I Realize That I

[BlackbirdSinging]

I realize that it really did bother me when my mom told me I'm a b*tch at certain times the other day.

I realize that I don't know if I'm overreacting because I'm confused since she said it with a smile and a laugh.

I realize that even with a smile and a laugh it was hard to look my mom in the face when she said that.

I realize that maybe she didn't mean anything by it.

I realize it bothered me anyway.

I realize that I can't tell her how it made me feel without her yelling at me.

I realize that keeping quiet about it is easier and less stressful than having her yell at me for telling her she upset me when she said that.

I realize that even though I can say all of this and feel as hypervigilant as it makes me feel to say it here that it still confuses me.

I realize that all of this makes me feel guilty and like I'm a bad daughter.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't have to hide myself completely anymore. There was a time when I didn't even have virtual contacts via internet. The forum was my first step out of my isolation and I realize that I really like it and need it - and that I like the people in here.

I realize that the forum is already part of my daily life. For example: When something good or bad happens, I already think how I will write it in here.

I realize that I'm glad about my bachelor thesis. It helps me to focus and gives me a goal. Living without a certain goal is really hard for me, I also realize this.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that I probably feel worse then I should have because I know my sister is upset and I take it internally. Have to stop this.

 

[Let It Be]

It really took a lot out of me this week, to keep showing up for these appointments, and next week will be a repeat of it.

I realize that fear has always been there and as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will keep growing and changing and becoming more authentic.

I also realize that the fear has been there for quite some time but I'm at least I'm showing up and am practicing my skills with these appointments.

 

[Tanishq]

I realize that I am trying to live this life.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I'm not up for a usual relationship.

 

[Tinyflame]

It occurred to me that instead of looking for a way 'out' (of life), maybe I should be looking for a way 'in' to it?

 

[Tanishq]

Dear @Junebug yes yes. Go for a way 'in' your life. Who knows what surprises you find?

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I'm allowed to have long, soft hair and that I'm allowed to look female. My hair was always a topic for arguments with my former boyfriend because he had the opinion that all women had to have long hair, but I cut it short. So he started blackmailing me that he would stop shaving if I didn't let my hair grow. I have really thick hair and with his words in mind, it was always hard to think of me having long hair. But I have it now...and I like it. Even if I feel a bit like Rapunzel when I have to comb.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Anrish, I've been told it's been my fault because I smiled, or wore a skirt, etc etc etc. It's hard to just do simple things like that after, in the way of just feeling 'good' or 'normal' about it.

Thank you @Tanishq . :hug: My friend told me that before, to 'just say yes' if offered some help. But I just say 'no it's ok'. I find it difficult to figure out if I am entitled (?) to say 'yes', or something, or whether it applies to me or not, or if I would regret it. (Not sure how to explain or describe what goes through my mind :confused:).

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't need a schedule for every second of my life. I was always organized to be under control. But I realize that I'm able to just go into situations without having a special plan.

I also realize that I suck at packing stuff for my holiday. Looks like I wanna move out....as always too much. :confused:

 

[Recovery4Me]

I realized that at times,
the only thing that I can control within a situation is my attitude
and the only thing I own are my feelings.

More than enough for positive change.