Other I Really Don't Know If I Should Say Something

[Amy_Lisa]

One of my good friends is married. Her husband really creeps me out. When we are in a group, he always gives me more attention than anyone else, including his wife; and if we are in a group and i am drinking and i don't want to drink anymore because I am already pretty drunk, he says "why not? I'll buy you another drink. Keep going." One night, a group of us were at my friend's house and I was drunk. I was sitting on the floor and joking about how i didn't want to stand up. He picked me up and put me in a chair and didn't take his hand off my shoulders, and asked if i wanted him to massage my back. I felt very scared and uncomfortable, so I moved to the other side of the room. He made his way to the side that I moved to. I am very scared to be around him, and I am extremely nervous when I stay over at her house.
I don't want to tell my friend this because I don't want to screw up her marriage. I just really have no idea what to do.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, Amy_Lisa! I'm looking forward to reading some responses to this thread, because I was put in a similar (but not the same) situation once. I told the woman - my friend - and it ruined our friendship. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

You're not screwing up her marriage, he is. You may lose the friendship but really who wants to be friends with a woman who will tolerate her husband being a total letch to her friends?

 

[Friday]

Consider it like this: She may be perfectly, 100% fine with his behavior. If so? How does that change things?

Meaning you're assuming telling her that he buys you drinks, offers you back rubs, etc. will ruin their marriage. Because she doesn't already know he does these things? Unlikely. It sounds like she's right there, as you say he's paying more attention to you than her (not strange with married couples, btw., they live together so evenings out or in company are often spent paying attention to other people, not the people they live with).

So if she already knows, what's the point in telling her? So she'll ask him to stop? That's fair. Although it will -almost guaranteed- make things awkward between the three of you, it can also be worth it if you don't feel you can be all "Shoo. Off with you." To him to his face, and only see her in the presence of her husband. If that is your point, though, be very clear in what you want him to stop (pushing drinks on you, that you're uncomfortable with physical contact, etc.) so there are clear things for her to ask him to stop.

Because "stop being a creep" just isn't going to go over well with her, or him, in most cases. And besides, it may well be taken the wrong way (is there a right way to be told you're a creep?) if too vague, in thinking that he's not paying enough attention. Social people make that leap, sometimes. OMG! I made them uncomfortable? I must have been ignoring him/her and should redouble my efforts to make them feel wanted!!! :facepalm:

If the point is not asking him to stop... What would the point in telling her be? (Honest question. Outside of shit-stirring / drama I can't think of one, although there may well be)

 

[shimmerz]

I suggest dealing with it yourself. 'Want a backrub?' 'No, but perhaps your wife would.' 'I'll buy you a drink' 'Nope, maybe your wife would like one'

It is very possible your friendship will go the way of the dodo bird if you offend him. I had a very similar thing happen to me although the husband would literally sexually assault other people, including myself. This is about you and your boundaries, not about his wife's boundaries. Try not to get enmeshed with their issues.

 

[Naoru]

I'm, unfortunately, married to a man exactly how you describe (working on a divorce, long story). I have had friends tell me of these behaviors and yes, it's difficult to hear, but it never ruined my friendships with them and only opened my eyes to exactly who my husband really is. It is possible you could ruin a friendship, but to me, it's worth the risk. I'd rather know what a douchebag my husband is and keep him away from my people, but my situation is complicated (and everyone is different). They have a right to set boundaries and protect themselves. I also agree on the point that you could handle dealing with some of it yourself as shimmerz suggested above.

I think you could take into consideration your friend's personality, your relationship with her, what you know of their relationship, and what boundaries you're willing to set yourself before approaching the situation... what you're willing to put up with and what you're willing to lose, but also, maybe more importantly, what you're willing to gain. How will telling benefit you? How will not telling benefit you? As Friday said, if she is 100% okay with his behavior, what will that mean to you?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

If you were drunk then was he? I can see why you feel uncomfortable and scared. If he's drunk too he maybe doesn't realise he's creepy a lot of creepy drunks arent like that sober. Is he a creeper sober? If not maybe say something to him when he's sober. Or What I would do is avoid going out drinking with them.

It can be very difficult to say something in the moment when your scared. Especially where booze is involved because it can make things unpredictable. We may feel that in te moment the safest thing to do is keep our mouths shut. So that's why I wouldn't put myself back in that situation and would even avoid him and only hang out with her or even cut her loose if that's not an option. Sounds harsh but I'm done re-traumatising myself by putting myself in sketchy situations. I just won't do it to myself anymore.

 

[RussH]

I would tell him to back off. Remind him he is married, and you don't appreciate the attention he is giving you.

 

[Freedomfighter]

One of my good friends is married. Her husband really creeps me out. When we are in a group, he always...

You sound like a person who has real worries about possible negative implications resulting from the behavior of a so called friend.

I need to let you know: there are a lot of sickos out there. I myself have worked with many people, female and male who are searching constantly for swinging couples, they don't even care if they hit on someone at work or in a private setting.

I even have known people who my own personal safety relied upon, and what they were thinking was completely different from what I thought. I was convinced for instance that after a serious stalking incident at my workplace that I would receive the help that I needed but instead my pleas fell on the ears of corrupt security people who were very adept at pretending that they were concerned. Long story short, those same security people harassed me and even got others in the workplace to harass me to the point where I had to leave.

You think someone is a friend, a coworker, or just an acquaintance. But believe me: often behind that mask there is someone that is much more scary than you can ever imagine: like a married dude with no life who has a little collection of whips and chains in his basement.

Do you know what I am getting at?

 

[Abstract]

I think sometimes we get vibes that are about more than specific behaviours. Especially if we are intuitive. I try to listen to mine these days as in the past didnt and that tended to work out pretty badly. It seems to me you are saying you actually don't feel safe around this guy. Is that correct? If it is then the most important first step is to protect yourself. Don't hold back on boundary setting because of their relationship. You want to be very clear. Others like shimmerz have given you good ideas on that. If he doesn't react by stopping then you need to up what you say.

Do you have a personal history of assault and how good are you at putting down boundaries in general?

If I was the wife I would want to know but everyone is different. A lot of that is down to the people concerned and the type of relationship they have. Some woman will be determined not to see the truth and get angry and defensive at anyone making them see it. For me I rather start at the bottom so to speak and first see what I have to do. Then take it from there.