General I recently discovered my wife was raped. how to deal with her secrecy?

[user27357]

even the little bit of shame and guilt I get for not helping at the time and not somehow preventing it, even that little bit of shame and guilt made me want to just go to work yesterday and try to not think about it, and again today.......until I was awakened by the prospect that my window of opportunity to solve problems that will affect my relationship for the duration was being wasted on solving problems for a manufacturer in their factory, well, shame and guilt did that and the desire to hide from them was a strong force.
She would have thrown herself down a flight of stairs to hide bruises and her shame and guilt. I know that now. So glad she didn't.
I was willing to hide myself under a blanket of "too busy to deal with it". thanks again. You did some good today.

 

[Tinyflame]

@enough , I'm very sorry for you both. :(

This I get. thanks. she has been dealing with this by boxing up the attack and her lack of relying on her support groups at both times the attacks occurred in her life together because just dealing with it alone like it never happened has been her only successful coping mechanism basically her whole life. Her dad was her strength as a child, The kids and I are her support now, none of us knew about any of it. It wasn't because she didn't trust us, it was because she didn;t trust anyone, including herself.

I think this is probably very likely ^^^, and even minimizing, though it doesn't internally deny it entirely is the same as saying this is something I can't think about. As you said, she'd rather throw herself down a flight of stairs to explain the bruises- that is why she didn't/ couldn't say anything.

I know @Hooper was in a similar position with similar feelings in response as you, and has posted threads here.

I think what you know is, it's neither of your faults; you have 30 years of togetherness to get through this, if you can (I believe so) you will come out closer for it.

My heart goes out to you both.

 

[user27357]

I am glad you are reaching out for your own therapy. This is going to be a painful time for both of you and getting support will be important.

she is with her counselor right now, I will be with an old counselor that has helped alot in the past by sundown tomorrow. Let the healing begin!

we write these memory files at times when we are under stress or in pain, and then we open them back up and when asked "save changes?" we say yes and close them. Then, a week later, when we are thinking about opening them and having another look, we see by the header that the file was last saved by a trusted source (us) on a recent day when we were more or less sane. We forget that the content was written by a pissed off five year old that just got a beating for having his shirt untucked in public. Or a woman who was raped and decided to hide it.

The secret is in remembering when the file was written and by who, and reading it in context.

This "rape, 2017" file is going to get opened up again and again, but I am vowing from the start to add notes about how it is going to be made better every time it is opened and saved, and not just glancing at what was put there at a time when I was pissed at the world, myself, and totally confused by my wifes motivations to keep this a secret and enforcing those ideas by just hitting save when prompted. This file will include all of the help given by everyone today and by my counselor tomorrow and ideas about how to make this a thing of the past as they come to me. This file will be about survival and a show of strength.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think one of the big issues in this situation that everybody seems to be overlooking is that the rape occurred 18 months ago, and @enough has been married to his wife for 30 years. It isn't the past pre-relationship abuse, it's that his wife was raped recently, during their marriage, and didn't tell him when it happened.

I'm looking at this from supporter/partner eyes, so I'm probably going to sound less than sympathetic and understanding... but I can see why he his feeling gutted. My concern is going to be for his process.

First, somebody hurt the love of his life in an unimaginable way. He has to process all those emotions.

Secondly, she hid it from him. It doesn't matter why she hid it from him, she did. Of course he is going to feel betrayed. He's going to feel shocked. Finding out after the fact just made all of this worse. Now on top of processing the fact that his wife was raped, he has to deal with this. I can image a lot of anger and sadness, then guilt for being angry with your wife who was victimized. It's a shitty situation.

@enough, I feel for you. All your emotions are valid. It's OK to be upset with your partner, or feel like they betrayed you. A lot of supporters have a very difficult time with that, because it comes with a healthy dose of guilt. How can you be upset with somebody who was hurt/traumatized/has PTSD? You can because your emotions are just as valid as theirs. As supporters we have to moderate our reactions, but we're allowed our feelings.

 

[user27357]

First, somebody hurt the love of his life in an unimaginable way. He has to process all those emotions.

Not sure that one ever heals. That one is for me alone.

I appreciate the post and the sentiment, but as a sufferer myself I am maybe a bit more on the side of getting it than resenting it. I wont deny wanting to put my head through the screen in front of me and that the reason that I reached out to the counselor I did was because she can handle huge amounts of anger in me with a self assured security that doesn't leave the room smelling of fear after I am done.

All my emotions are valid, yes, but how can i ever act in a positive way to the strong desire to hunt down and kill this asshole? It cant be done, although the idea is probably a sound one and the emotion is a valid one. All i get on that one is the knowledge that living the life of a rapist has to be one of constant fear with short, hopefully long, periods of self loathing. And I can be prepared for and hopefully avoid danger with a renewed vigor, for both of us (hypervigilance? just what does too much vigilance look like in this world on this day? I have no idea what too much vigilance is-honestly).

I am going to get past this, mostly by getting us past this.

like the latin by the way....always a good policy.

 

[barefoot]

@Sweetpea76 I’m not sure that we are all overlooking that this is a more recent trauma that took place during a long term relationship. It was on my radar - it just isn’t my experience in terms of what I could share.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 20 years. We have a very strong relationship. Tbh though, if something were to happen to me now (if I were sexually assaulted) I don’t know that anything would be different. Obviously, I don’t know for sure how I’d react until it happened. But all the reasons I listed in my post about why I didn’t tell my partner about abuse in my past would still stand if something happened now, I think.

You’re right - it’s a very shitty situation for both @enough and his wife. And, of course, they are both entitled to all their feelings around this. I don’t think anyone here is saying otherwise.

@enough I feel for both you and your wife so much. It’s a horrible situation all round and this is going to be hard and painful for both of you.

You sound determined to get both of you through this - I’m rooting for you both!

 

[EveHarrington]

I see lots of trauma reactions going on here as what I said was to take a balanced approach. That is, it may not be 100% a shame issue. It may also have to do with the dynamics of the relationship at the time of the rape. PTSD sufferer is going off the rails? Nope, not a good time to disclose the rape. But, we don’t know that, as it’s impossible to look back and know what was going on at the time.

This is actually a time where I’m saying something that is balanced and fair, to examine all sides before throwing a rape victim under the bus and saying it’s all about her shame.

Good luck with your trauma reactions. I don’t think it is fair in the least to say it’s ALL about her shame when we don’t know the full story.

 

[EveHarrington]

With almost all rape comes shame. It is a dynamic of the event. With most trauma- comes shame. Rape is...

Please leave me alone. Mods told us to not engage with one another. I tried to message you privately but your account is private, hence why I’m saying this here.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@enough, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you have to make sure that you are processing your emotions. It's nothing to do with resent. It's about feeling what you need to feel and processing it in a healthy way. It's OK to get pissed off. It's OK to feel hurt. It's OK to grieve. You have to allow yourself that process.

It is not selfish. How can you work on "us" when "me" isn't taken care of? You can focus on "us" or "her", but if you're not taking care of your own issues, it's not going to be successful. This is how a lot of supporters crumble. They focus most of their energies on their partner or relationship, and not enough on themselves. When their partners do something that hurts them, they look for reasons "why" their PTSD would cause them to do so, then use that for an excuse, or a reason why their own emotions are not valid. Why they need to squash it. Why they should feel bad for feeling the way they feel. Or why they need to stop feeling why they feel. That's not the same as actually processing their own emotions. That's sucking it up and rolling on. You can only do that for so long.

Don't fall into that trap. A lot of supporters do. You have your supporter hat on now. I tend to support the supporters first here... so sometimes sufferers take that the wrong way. Self care is vital. Caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue are very real things. If you don't practice self care, that resentment you want to avoid is going to build up whether you want it to or not.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@EveHarrington there is an ignore function for a reason. Use it. Do not bring interpersonal drama into the supporter section, it will not be tolerated.

 

[joeylittle]

All my emotions are valid, yes, but how can i ever act in a positive way to the strong desire to hunt down and kill this asshole? It cant be done, although the idea is probably a sound one and the emotion is a valid one.

I'd say, your emotions and your thoughts - the whole nine yards - are definitely real, but you're right, they aren't going to be helpful to you in the long run. Or her. Unfortunately, it's not a sound idea - assault would add more trauma to both your lives.

That doesn't mean you don't need to work these feelings through, and it doesn't mean that you're bad or wrong for having them. They are really understandable.

Don't know if this will help: if there's any part of her psychology that is tied to helping you maintain your even keel in life, then there's a good chance that part of why she didn't talk is, she did not want to cause you to explode.

Now - that's not a good thing for the relationship, for either of you, for sure; but, it points to a common relationship dynamic (even in partners who aren't dealing with PTSD in their lives). She held herself back from accessing support from you, because she was aware that it would add to your own stress load.

I'd be surprised if you and she don't make small decisions about how you talk with each other everyday, factoring in what you know about the other person, and how their reactivity works.

This wasn't a small decision, it was much bigger, and ultimately it's going to be good for both of you that it's out in the open. I really think your respective therapists/some time with a good couples counselor could help you both navigate this - and since you are already both living with PTSD, getting that help is a really good thing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@EveHarrington I responded to the thread in post number 6- yesterday about 45 minutes after the thread was started. If you had read the posts, you would see I came and stated my opinion. I responded with kindness and caring and took my time to post to a searching soul-@Enough- prior to your arrival. I could strongly relate from the perspective of the wife.

If you have never been raped- you don’t know the pain of this shame. If you have, I am so sorry. It is burdensome-and so so traumatic and so so filled with shame. In my case, I wanted to keep it a secret- shame is a dark part of the soul- at least I believe so.

With that said, this forum belongs to no one-not you or I- it belongs to all who are searching.

It is derailing to this thread to make unfounded accusations, and I’m so sorry for your pain.

Without the founder, the moderators, members, and visitors, there would be no myptsd forum. We all are trying to find our own way and learn from each other taking what we like and leaving the rest.

We belong to the same community here, we are equals as members....we can help each other, but first I’d like to invite you into my little ol’ sandbox-Here’s a bucket- and a shovel-I have a shovel, too. Let’s dig and search together for understanding and cooperation. Maybe playing nicely together, with someone would feel better. Life is a choice- we can choose to be miserable- or assume not everyone is out to hurt us- I know that pain of paranoia very well-but there are nice people in the world-I’ve found some right here.

Be well and I truly hope you find your peace. Maybe I’ll see you at round the sandbox! :tup:

@enough - sorry for the slight derailment. I wish you luck at the therapists!!:smug: