I think he got frustrated with me now what?

[Pippi427]

My boyfriend of 6 months finally went back to work a few weeks ago. Joblessness triggered some horrible PTSD symptoms for him. This group helped me understand his behavior and how to work with him instead of against him. It helped me see that his reactions were not because of me. Now I have new behavior to suss out.

He started his job a few weeks ago. It's one of those thankless public service jobs with long hours. He started out very chatty, sharing with me what he was working on, then after shit got real at work, the communication dropped off a bit. After of about 2 and a half weeks of noticing this behavior, I emailed him to let him know I felt:

"Are you doing OK? I'm a little in the dark over here. I noticed you are not responding to my texts very much during the week, so I will try to text you less during the work day/work week as I am aware your job requires you to talk to people and drive around. I know you need to be successful at work right now. I still need to know you care, though, and that you think of me from time to time...unless something has changed. My days don't feel the same when I don't hear from you every now and then. I'm here for you, too."

I really can't infer tone from an email, but this is what it said:
"I am at 12 hours today at work. I have driven over 500 miles this week and I am mentally drained and emotionally in awe at how people live it’s hard to describe. I’m sorry I have just been in a ton of houses and families that are f*cked up. "

Is this him saying he's too busy for me? Does he just need time to integrate this new schedule and it's taking longer for him because of PTSD? I told him I was there for him and would give him some space to integrate this new job schedule into his life. I am always kind and clear to him. Never angry, or hurtful. Not sure how to feel or what to do. This is new territory for us.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you read about the ptsd stress cup?

If not, go read it. (It’s an article.)

He’s essentially saying that his job is taking up much of his stress cup right now.

It is NOT personal.

He will indeed have less time/emotional reserves for you because of his job.

I’d give him time to adjust before demanding more of him.

PS I see zero zilch nada none frustration on his part.

 

[Pippi427]

I saw the stress cup article. I will read it.

 

[Pippi427]

OK, yes, I think this (Stress Cup) applies here. I guess I read his reply to me in the tone of my Ex boyfriend who would use "sorry" an emotional grenade to punish me. L hasn't ever been like that to me...and I'm down because I miss him. I guess he really did mean sorry.

Now I'm wondering if I should apologize for asking he make time for me while he was overburdened. Then I argue with myself that I deserve communication. We were getting really good on communication before his work started. This is going to be a strange dance.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t think an apology I necessary..... Maybe just say that you understand that things are stressful for him and that you’re here for him if he needs you. Maybe also ask if he’d like to go out sometime on his day off....something non-stressful?

 

[Pippi427]

I don’t think an apology I necessary..... Maybe just say that you understand that things are stressful for him and that you’re here for him if he needs you. Maybe also ask if he’d like to go out sometime on his day off....something non-stressful?

Yes, I like that idea. I did offer to bring him some food earlier in the week. But he never replied. He only seemed to reply when he knew I was struggling. I'll suggest it though, knowing full well he may just want to collapse and sleep.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly he's going through a big transition between going back to work after being off for awhile, and getting used to a stressful job. I'd totally expect a little withdrawal right now with his stress cup situation. I wouldn't worry that his communication has dropped off. I'd give him some space.

Do you need a certain amount of communication in a relationship? For instance, donyou need to communicate every day? If so, have you had that talk with him?

 

[grit]

Two things first:
Please stop communicating via email if you are dating seriously. Any normal conversation unless it is pick a milk or do not forget to close the window should wait when you are together. This kind of emailing are relationship killer. Look at you know, asking what he means by this or that when if you would have waited for few minutes, you could see what he means. Maybe I am old fashion but I would never email my husband during business hours annoying him with my anxiety and impulsivity. I just would not. I am not saying you are but you were fishing for a serious conversation about amount of time you spend and you get a real I am busy eamil. Nothing got accomplished and now you have another problem to dissect.

The second issue is this and it relates to the first: Do not email anyone during business hours period. Again unless it is urgent. If you are expecting you should chat all day during business hours, it is not sustainable and it sets a trap and false expectation.

I hope my words are not harsh but I think you have a good relationship but you are not aware of your anxiety or the source of your need to know what he is thinking, feeling and doing when he is not around you.

I hope you both have a great in person conversation and clear the air and wait until you are together to do it. No more long serious conversations via email or text. It is not working so far.

 

[Pippi427]

I don't see your words as harsh @grit I am just trying to understand the situation. I don't guess I've done anything irreparably harmful to our relationship, but I don't want a bad level set either. I do not need daily communication with him, but more frequently than once a week. I guess I really am going to have to wait now. I hope he talks to me again now after this.

 

[Pippi427]

Honestly he's going through a big transition between going back to work after being off for awhile, and getting used to a stressful job. I'd totally expect a little withdrawal right now with his stress cup situation. I wouldn't worry that his communication has dropped off. I'd give him some space.

Do you need a certain amount of communication in a relationship? For instance, donyou need to communicate every day? If so, have you had that talk with him?

I told him I'd give him space to prioritize and align everything. I feel really bad about what I did. Maybe I did it for the right reason, but the wrong way.

 

[Friday]

Now I'm wondering if I should apologize for asking he make time for me while he was overburdened.

Super badass awesome trick...

...when you want to apologize? Try thanking, instead.

- Hey babe, I’m sorry for asking you to take time for me when you’ve got so much going on. :(

- Hey babe, thanks so much for taking time for me, when you’ve got so much going on! :D

Same message, completely different tone & energy.

But it’s even better when you change the message, and focus on all the good points. (You are such a rockstar; all this going on, crazy hours, zillions of miles and houses, shitty people, massive schedule change, and you still take the time to ABCDEFG. Thank you darlin’ :D You’re amazing, you know that?)

Apologies drain energy (this is serious, something has been going on, and people have been done wrong by); gratitude raises energy (Yay! Something is good, and I’m sharing that with yooooou!). For both the speaker and listener.

Carrots over sticks.

 

[Pippi427]

That sounds like a magic trick @Friday and is definitely worth a try.