I Think I Am Reaping What I Sowed.

[sonicwhite]

I just think I suffer for the poor choices I made in life.......Yes Rock Stars do much worse but Jesus said do you think that the penalty should be greater for the one who did more wrong. No anyone who has broken the least of these Laws has broken them all. I remember being in jail weeping as I was detoxing from several drugs......The meth turned my skin green and I thought I saw Jesus and I looked into His eyes and said I would do it for you........



Hebrews 12 Talks about the chasening of the Lord. I learned from what I suffered. Never to treat a woman as a sex object....To not steal to not brake the law.........I came to Christ a year after my psychosis and all was well for two years. I'm torn on whether I was manic or anointed by God to preach.....



I wanted to be the next Billy Graham, meaning I wanted to do it for God and not money......Maybe many of you disagree with Billy but I believe his heart is after Gods own heart unlike Benny Henn and others who are after money.....



I started to realize one day that I was not able to do the will of God the way I expected I would. I turned my back on God and suffered greatly ever since........I wished i was normal, on fire for God......Devoted and at peace. But it looks like there is more trials and correcting coming and the nightmares are beyond disturbing....I just wonder was it my parents fault for not raising us children right....IDK, all I know is that the peace I once had was ripped out from under neath me.....All I want is peace....No more of this complex PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

God came for the weak, the poor, the broken in spirit. Not the strong and mighty and those who never make a mistake.

 

[darrenS]

with all due respect and no offence intended, have you ever thought that maybe simplifying things will simplify the approach. To feel you are being punished in some way for turning your back on God is just making it so much harder for you. You have already suffered greatly and although im not religous now , i was brought up as a catholic with the full catholic primary school education and all. If i was to view god in the simplest terms , he would be loving kind and compassionate.

He would not punish me for being bad and would understand if part of my journey was to turn my back on him for a period, after all it was he who said not to build houses of worship etc , so im sure he wouldn't be as hard arsed as some would make you believe.

I too have complex ptsd and yes had my life ripped from under me , i have also had substance abuse problems although have been clean for 2 decades now , life does get better if you work torwards it , but in all honesty you have suffered enough , the last thing you need is more fear or retribution. Please be kind to yourself and i truly hope you find the peace your looking for

 

[Suzetig]

I hear you. I lived with someone who's concept of God was similar to yours and they tortured themselves trying to reach a point where they met their idea of God's standard for them, which they never could achieve. You have an illness, it's not a punishment from God, it's a normal reaction to awful, abnormal circumstances. Putting the cause of the problem at God's feet can make recovery feel miraculous rather than being something within your reach, with he right kind of support and treatment. It's normal to look for explanations as to why you struggle so much but my sense is the answer will be more easily found in the DSM-V than the bible.

Even if you were all of the things you think you are in God's sight, He is a God of love, who cares enough to number the hairs on your head, who cares for you more than the lilies of the field and is faithful to forgive us. What makes you think "being on fire for God" is a normal state of being? My experience is that it seemed to be so rare it's almost mythical, most people of faith I know hang on in there with all their doubts, questions, failures and faults - which makes where you are pretty normal in my book.

Are you in therapy? It would be worth finding someone to talk this stuff through - I've personally found it helpful to have a therapist who is a Christian, rather than a "Christian counsellor" if you get the difference but you need support to unpick this.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm looking for a therapist right now. I want the one that came to my house and had so much love. I think I still have her card.

 

[darrenS]

Good to hear Sonicwhite, , one thing i meant to say/ask, was you stated you abused meth to the point of phsycosis , meth abuse has long lasting effects , it creates an anxiety level that is beyond compare , it messes with your emotions for a long time and it takes a very long for your system to recover(months to years).

When you talk to a therapist ensure they know about your meth use and also find out whether they understand the implications, as many parts of meth withdrawal will play merry hell with your ptsd symptoms. And it takes a therapist that understands it in detail to give you the proper treatment

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@sonicwhite .. I "feel" so much from your posts, I wish I knew better what to say. May I humbly suggest you find a Christian therapist (if that isn't already your goal).

Because I think you will need someone who understands GRACE to be able to navigate the practical side of walking forward in your journey .. there are a lot of Christians who take a more "legalistic"/rule-following approach to their relationship with God (I was just like this), but it's not a life that really learns how to DEPEND on the Holy Spirit, to allow HIM to empower and change us.

I would HIGHLY recommend some of the resources posted by Grantley Morris online. His approach to explaining overcoming sexual trauma, or PTSD, or DID, and all kinds of things in between, is the most solid GRACE-filled understanding I have yet seen when it comes to trying to incorporate the spiritual walk with God WITH the physical healing that we chase after.

Not sure if this link will post through - I've had some difficulty adding links to posts before - but you could Google http://www.net-burst.net/ if you're not able to access directly. Just following link to link, here, I have found SO many good examples of healing and self-counseling type resources.

Maybe start here:

http://www.net-burst.net/love/index.htm
http://www.net-burst.net/guilty/rejected.htm
http://www.net-burst.net/search.htm#subject

(If the links don't come through, you can message me, and I'll try another route to share them.)

Wishing you ALL the best!

~a sister in Christ

~S2B

 

[shimmerz]

Perhaps, rather than thinking this is a never ending punishment, perhaps it is just someone trying to get your attention to stand at attention and pay attention to your true calling. My guess would be that continued repentance would leave one stuck in the past rather than getting to the task at hand.

 

[sonicwhite]

So true, @shimmerz!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@shimmerz .. spot on .. in my experience, "continual repenting" (and self-flogging/punishment as a result) was evidence of a lack of FAITH that Christ's sacrifice and forgiveness was SUFFICIENT! "It is FINISHED!" on the cross! I had something of a "grace-awakening" when I realized that this meant God's love towards ME (not just "love" in a universal sense) was actually EFFECTIVE on MY behalf. What? You mean you (God) love ME? You want to be with ... ME? You forgave ME? *mind-blowing*

 

[sonicwhite]

I love these forums. Thank you Father God for helping me find this place.

 

[Mirlat]

We may suffer the natural consequences of the choices we make, but along with that, we should stand on God's promises and instructions (we do need to put time into finding out what they are). He can turn into good what the enemy intended for evil.

Joyce Meyer was sexually molested by her father for her entire childhood. In one of the articles, she stated, When I finally worked up the courage to share with someone what had happened early in my life, I actually began shaking violently in fear. That sounds like a familiar PTSD symptom. The point is, I was so excited to find a concrete example of God healing someone from PTSD.....because I'm going to remind the enemy every time he tries to tell me differently. (google 'Joyce Meyer Life Beyond Abuse')

I also found this most excellent site of prayers to help us break through and heal. I hope this helps someone too: (google 'freedomdeliverance prayers), and includes: Soul Ties Prayer, Healing Prayer, Generational Curse Breaker Prayer, Deliverance from Oppression Prayer, Curse Breaking Prayer, Daily Maintenance Prayer, Child's Prayer, Forgiveness Prayer, Deliverance from Sin Prayer