I think its time to end it.....

[FragileGlass]

I’m the PTSD sufferer of the relationship and it stems from my job working in Emergency Unit, my partner the supporter, she suffers from Chronic Illness (Rheumatoid Arthritis) sadly has adopted ‘Chronic Illness Mentality’ .

We’re both currently off work, mine is temporary for now due to a physical injury and trauma, she’s been off work for over a year now. However she has allowed her illness to pretty much rule all aspects of our life. We can’t go out with friends without her talking about it, her Facebook is a graveyard of daily thoughts for how her treatment is going. Our personal conversations are always about how tired, sick, sore she is. Constantly reading side effects on meds, without fail if there is a side effect she gets it.

Recently, she knows that my PTSD stems from some pretty tragic events, somehow every day she tells me about the news of someone committing suicide, this person died, that person died people who mean nothing to me. I’ve set my boundaries I don’t want news of death or tragic events unless it really is within my circle of family and friends or truly affecting her. I care that she’s ok and realize the unrelated deaths can affect others.

Sex is absolutely dead between us, at first I thought it was all due to PTSD effects. I’m coming to realize that I’m just not interested, she’s let herself go physically and hygenically (yes, this is superficial and awful) but she gained a significant and unhealthy amount of weight. She’s a little bit slobbish, burping, sharing bathroom stories and gross shit all the time. It’s killed my attraction to her. I keep thinking....... maybe that spark can come back. She’s a little bit TMI and often. I grew up with a mom that would run me to the back aisle in grocery store before she ever let gas pass in a crowd. I’m the rare male that will run to back of the aisle and go blue in the face before anyone catches me passing gas. Yeah I’m definitely not the ‘pull my finger mentality’!

I’ve always enjoyed the not girly girl no nonsense, I can take care of myself I don’t need you strong female personalities, still expect a little bit of a lady to be present at times though.

So now that I’ve knocked the negatives out of the way. She’s been an amazing supporter, always attentive as to whether I’m ok, if I need anything, in the beginning of the relationship, she was kick ass all the time, fun, outgoing and truly that long term thick and thin for bettor or worse personality. She’s always thoughtful on getting little things just to make me smile. Aside from bickering over my absent mindedness, we don’t fight. There’s no heated arguments. But we’re absolutely depressed.

I just think that we’ve both hit bottom, because we’re both there it’s hard to help pull one another up. I’m at a point where I am depressed often about our situation. I don’t think it’s helping my PTSD issues any much more than I’m helping her recover.

I don’t know how to talk to her, I don’t want to hurt her, I have tried to express issues I have with our sex life. I don’t want to outright hurt her in the fact that my attraction is gone. My physical attraction issue not something I want to transfer on to her, she doesn’t deserve to feel self conscious or unpretty because of my hang up right now. At the same time, only so long I can bluff my way through this intimate issue relying on my PTSD as the culprit behind the non sex. I’d prefer for her to believe my PTSD killed it, than the truth.

It’s such a terrible situation. She’s a sweetheart, I do love her. I know she truly loves me. She’s been an amazing friend and has done incredibly sweet things to help me out that would crush her if I leave the relationship. But, I don’t think we can upswing from this.

Advice anyone?

 

[Supervixn]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this tough and touchy situation. I see where your heart is, and you're set on leaving. I think being honest with her while leaving out the sex and attraction issue is your best bet. No need to stay in a situation you don't see a future in. Can you remain friends or no?

 

[FragileGlass]

I’m absolutrly hopeful we can remain friends. I’m just dreading the conversation that is needed to make this happen. She is the in depth probing conversationalist. I’ve always been an honest person. But this time I know I can’t be in regards to all of the reasons. That’s stressing me out because I know it’s going to come up. The lack of sex has been hurting her a lot.

 

[Sweetpea76]

How long have you guys been together? Sounds pretty long term...

Do you think maybe now that's she's not working she can't figure out what to do with herself?

 

[Hojay]

Your heart is in the right place, that’s very evident. I’d not mention the sex issues just yet as they seem symptomatic of a larger, much more systemic issue of a dynamic in which both of you seem to be enabling each other’s sufferage under the guise of “care.” Compassion is great, but it can become enabling when every whimsy and weakness is nourished through too much understanding, at which point boundaries are being trampled (as is the case with her talking to you about death and dying when you’ve clearly told her to stop.) Boundaries are for us to enforce.

The most loving and, in my opinion, productive thing to do is sit her down and tell her exactly what you’ve written here (minus the attraction bit for now.) Tell her you’re done being depressed, that you want to fight, that you want positivity in your life, not incessant suffering. You can tell her that she can make her own choices about how she deals and heals, that you sincerely hope she comes along for the ride, but this is the choice you’re making, and x, y, and z are the steps you will be taking to live the life you want. Crisis talk is inevitable in that case, of course. But sometimes that’s a fracture a relationship needs to get back on track. To me, none of what you describe sounds like a lost cause just yet.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok, so here’s the deal.

No matter what, you are going to hurt her.

(Aside, I don’t understand people who say they don’t want to hurt someone. Hurt is part and parcel of having someone in your life. If you don’t want to hurt someone/anyone, become an isolationist and interact with no one.)

I think the best thing you can do is be honest with her. (But yeah, leave the attraction stuff out for now.) Tell her what’s going on with you, what your feelings are...

Is counseling an option?

I think you should be honest with her in terms of the illness dominating your/her life stuff. Really, nobody wants to be around someone who only talks about their health woes. If it hasn’t happened yet, she’s going to end up scaring all of her friends away. The best way to keep support is by not making the “support” the dominant part of the relationship. I honestly think she needs to be straight up told this. I had someone tell me something along the same lines, and from that day forward, my disorder isn’t discussed with my friends and family beyond “I’m struggling” and the like. I have doctors and therapists and a number of other support people who are paid to give me this kind of support.

If she can’t shift her focus, I can’t blame you for walking away. I couldn’t handle 24/7 negativity like that.

 

[FragileGlass]

We’ve been together almost 2 years now. We live together now. When we first started, it was long distance our dates ran 2-3 days long because it was a 4 hour drive to see each other. We spent a lot of personal time together and felt that we would be comfortable living together. I made the move to her area. Funny story.... I was due up to buy a car as my old ride was near death. I felt I had a little bit of time. When I moved here, I didn’t know that I was also taking the car for it’s last hurrah. It died when I landed here. Far ahead of scheduled finances. Her being the awesome heart that she is, bought me a car, nothing crazy under $4,000. Still significant financial investment. It was a welcome home gift.

I’ve pulled a lot of strings, I have the money for the car as I fully intend to reimburse her in the event we do part.

She’s pushed a lot of friends away, the friends she does have left, invited her away over the past weekend. I thought the break would be good for us and her and give her a chance for some female comraderie as I know I’m far from perfect and she deserves a gripe session and advice in how to deal with me some days. But she wouldn’t go.

Last week she had a friend angrily pull away. Rightfully so. The girl is a cancer survivor, had a recurring cancer diagnosis that spread to her liver, but my girl was over talking about her about RA diagnosis.

I tried to talk to her about this night, I related my diagnosis of PTSD. In saying that when we go out to friends or events. I don’t introduce or discuss my PTSD. It’s a private matter and it’s a mood and fun killer. It’s a part of me but doesn’t define me entirely.

Any advice on how to discuss the intimacy topic if she keeps pressing for an answer. I’m truly hopeful it won’t. I am protective of her emotions and self image. It’s something I will drag on and keep blaming my PTSD for. I’m just looking for some feminine sensitivity in case I have to cross that threshold as the breakup leads to me moving out as well. I’m positive lengthy conversations are gonna happen along with some relationship saving tactics.

Thank you for your awesome responses.

 

[Hojay]

Ok, if we’re getting into sex stuff, arm yourself—especially when it comes to attraction, or lack thereof, as clumsy attempts at approaching those topics can really mess with someone’s mind for a good long time. And my best advice would be for both of you to read a book called “Passionate Marriage” by Schnarch. It’ll be uncomfortable, it’ll be educational, but I personally wouldn’t touch sex related conflict with a ten foot pole without having read that book. If you guys truly love and believe in each other, maybe it’s really worth the investment.

 

[FragileGlass]

Thank you very much for the book referral! I’ll check that out. I’m not planning on ending things right this moment. It’ll be soon. Anything helpful and tactful in approaching sensitive subjects only helps arm me to be prepared and respectful.

I’m loaded with enough reasons to make this about everything other than intimacy and keep steering back that way. As I’m sure many can tell. I truly care about this girl. It’s not that ‘I love you as a friend.....’ feeling either as I do truly love her. After this weekend I realized that our dynamic isn’t healthy for either of our recovery.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why are you trying to manage her emotions?

That’s not your job.

 

[FragileGlass]

@EveHarrington - Thank you! That means a lot! It’s a tough balance as I toss hats as sufferer and supporter personally and professionally. I know I should be rocking this on my own and not look back.

She just sat down complaining that she ‘planned to shower today’ and I wanna scream that’s where your sex life died! Too much information from you! It’s agonizing!

 

[gealach]

Right now it sounds like you have a lot of built up thoughts and emotions that you're not communicating to your partner. She's not a mind reader, so if you suddenly jump to "it's over", you've had time to stew and think and prepare, but she's going to be blindsided.

have you tried couples therapy? It seems that there's a lot unsaid between the two of you, and having a professional to help with communication would probably be beneficial as a couple. It would also benefit each of you as individuals, and create a better ending, if the relationship does end.

a separation for a period of time might also be helpful. You agree to a certain time period, as a couple, that you will be apart, and set relevant boundaries.

And of course she might not be game for trying anything to save the relationship.