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I Want Me Back - Former Police Dispatcher
- Post starter vcc123
- Start date
- Status
nov_silence
Gold Member
as a part of you knows, struggling with PTSD, isn't about strength. Well, not strength like, "I need to strong-arm this thing into submission." It's more about I am going to hold on bc I can get through this." I don't know what it's like to have had the experiences you have had. But know that you are in right place and we are here for you.
D
Deleted member 93
Welcome to the forum. Denial is a normal part and one I hope you can overcome so you can start to heal. The most strength I have had to show was admitting this, accepting it, and going through what I have to learn to heal. Hiding and denying is not as hard, but it does not last forever, it simply cannot. I hope you can find the tools to help you heal here.
wildcritter44
Silver Member
:hello: Hi vcc,
I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher for 15 yrs. Have had some serious stuff happen. Not a loss of a friend/officer while on duty. It is not an easy job.
I am sorry you lost someone you cared for. Loss is not easy.
YOU AREN'T ALONE --- here on the forum you will find a bunch of cops/firefighters/EMT's/MVA's/military/abuse victims of various types. They have PTSD and share their thoughts/feelings/opinions/experiences, etc.
We all want to be better, get better, get over issues, and so on..It's a long process for some, shorter for others. Individuals vary as I am sure you understand.
We are sufferers, spouses, Mom's, Dad's, Uncle's, cousin's, daughter's, son's, friends, etc all looking for answers to questions.....We are trying to help ourselves & others whenever possible.
You can address us all or send us private messages (PM) once you have us sorted out. There is a trauma diary for you to write private or public for yourself and there are experts of varying degrees here.
Looking forward to hearing more from you...
Take Care of yourself.
D (wildcritter)
I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher for 15 yrs. Have had some serious stuff happen. Not a loss of a friend/officer while on duty. It is not an easy job.
I am sorry you lost someone you cared for. Loss is not easy.
YOU AREN'T ALONE --- here on the forum you will find a bunch of cops/firefighters/EMT's/MVA's/military/abuse victims of various types. They have PTSD and share their thoughts/feelings/opinions/experiences, etc.
We all want to be better, get better, get over issues, and so on..It's a long process for some, shorter for others. Individuals vary as I am sure you understand.
We are sufferers, spouses, Mom's, Dad's, Uncle's, cousin's, daughter's, son's, friends, etc all looking for answers to questions.....We are trying to help ourselves & others whenever possible.
You can address us all or send us private messages (PM) once you have us sorted out. There is a trauma diary for you to write private or public for yourself and there are experts of varying degrees here.
Looking forward to hearing more from you...
Take Care of yourself.
D (wildcritter)
welcome to the forum I undertstand your feelings of wanting to get back to who you were and to fight this PTSD because your job there is little room for weakness or what we see as weakness, Know that you are stronger than you think just by coming here and talking I wish you peace and healing
Hello and welcome. I'm new as well, and I feel like I can relate, even though my job wasn't even close to having the strength required in yours. I was in denial as well. I was so, so used to using strength to overcome anything. This I haven't overcome, and I've given it my all(!), so it's hard for me to swallow, and I've found myself avoiding it and ignoring it, but it's not going away. I believe I'm starting to face it a bit more, and being a part of these forums may help me do that.
I truly hope that it could be helpful for you as well. Please take care.
I truly hope that it could be helpful for you as well. Please take care.
- Post starter
- #8
what happened
First, I want to say thank you so much to those of you that have responded so quickly . This is my first time on a forum type site so I'm feeling my way through it. (I was pretty vague in my intro) I've been an EMS police dispatcher for almost 11 years, its so much a part of me, I still cant believe I'm not there anymore. My friend/officer that I dispatched to a call that wasnt even considered a 'hot' call.. was shot and killed. I dont know when my 'IT' moment was.. This incident happened in 2003, and in March of '06 I snap? I dont get it.. why then. I'm so used to not being allowed to feel.. just get into auto pilot, dispatch mode.. do it, and feel later. Well its later.. and I'm textbook I guess.. detached, miserable, marriage caput, and scared that I'll never find myself. (I've had a bad couple of days, so please excuse how pathetic I feel) I saw this forum, read your stories and have been crying ever since. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy or pathetic. It means more than you ... hey.. you probably know!!
First, I want to say thank you so much to those of you that have responded so quickly . This is my first time on a forum type site so I'm feeling my way through it. (I was pretty vague in my intro) I've been an EMS police dispatcher for almost 11 years, its so much a part of me, I still cant believe I'm not there anymore. My friend/officer that I dispatched to a call that wasnt even considered a 'hot' call.. was shot and killed. I dont know when my 'IT' moment was.. This incident happened in 2003, and in March of '06 I snap? I dont get it.. why then. I'm so used to not being allowed to feel.. just get into auto pilot, dispatch mode.. do it, and feel later. Well its later.. and I'm textbook I guess.. detached, miserable, marriage caput, and scared that I'll never find myself. (I've had a bad couple of days, so please excuse how pathetic I feel) I saw this forum, read your stories and have been crying ever since. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy or pathetic. It means more than you ... hey.. you probably know!!
Hi 123 I am so sorry to hear about your routinr dispatch turn bad, we all know when we go out that the next call might be the last and we would never blame the sispatcher but that doesnt make you feel any better does it.? I want yo yo know that I have denied, avoided and repressed my PTSD for many years and then all Of a sudden the dam burst so to say. It takes time hard work and lots of talking but day by day you will feel a little better. It can never make that day go away just how you percieve it and deal with it you are alreday showing how strong you are by coming here keep talking and feel free to PM me anytime
wildcritter44
Silver Member
:hello: Hi VCC,
As a dispatcher we are not allowed to "feel" anything at the time. We are programmed to react later. So what you said about the time span falls into place as a dispatcher, but in some cases it's the PTSD as well. Most dispatchers are considered "type A" personalities. Mostly that means simply put for those reading this that don't know, strong, take charge, give directions/orders, make literally life and death decisions in less than a second. When you feel "out of control" as many do with PTSD, it makes adjustments difficult to say the least.
You are recognizing your issues, sounds like to are starting to deal with them. And yes, we do miss the "rush" or whatever any one wants to label it. It's the hub, center of everything that is happening, your sending what needs to get sent. As a dispatcher, we chose to stay in that profession once we knew what it was all about. As a police Officer going out in the field they are very aware of the risks. As are the Firefighters/EMTs and any other rescue worker out there.
I am sorry you lost your friend. We just have to remember that he was doing the job he wanted to do. He would not want you to suffer because of what happened. At least most of the cops I know, would never want that for the dispatchers they work with. I have went to see the injured officers in the hospital that I worked with, they were very understanding and made me understand that no matter what we do, the calls they go on/the decisions they make/the risks etc are their choices.
Not long after I left one of my positions, an officer I knew & had worked with, joked with, was killed -- it was an ambush. It still hurts to this very day and that happened in the early 1990's.
Many hugs to you.. just know you aren't alone ..
Take Care
D (wildcritter)
As a dispatcher we are not allowed to "feel" anything at the time. We are programmed to react later. So what you said about the time span falls into place as a dispatcher, but in some cases it's the PTSD as well. Most dispatchers are considered "type A" personalities. Mostly that means simply put for those reading this that don't know, strong, take charge, give directions/orders, make literally life and death decisions in less than a second. When you feel "out of control" as many do with PTSD, it makes adjustments difficult to say the least.
You are recognizing your issues, sounds like to are starting to deal with them. And yes, we do miss the "rush" or whatever any one wants to label it. It's the hub, center of everything that is happening, your sending what needs to get sent. As a dispatcher, we chose to stay in that profession once we knew what it was all about. As a police Officer going out in the field they are very aware of the risks. As are the Firefighters/EMTs and any other rescue worker out there.
I am sorry you lost your friend. We just have to remember that he was doing the job he wanted to do. He would not want you to suffer because of what happened. At least most of the cops I know, would never want that for the dispatchers they work with. I have went to see the injured officers in the hospital that I worked with, they were very understanding and made me understand that no matter what we do, the calls they go on/the decisions they make/the risks etc are their choices.
Not long after I left one of my positions, an officer I knew & had worked with, joked with, was killed -- it was an ambush. It still hurts to this very day and that happened in the early 1990's.
Many hugs to you.. just know you aren't alone ..
Take Care
D (wildcritter)
- Admin
- #11
anthony
Founder
Welcome to the forum VCC, and look forward to chatting with you soon.
Nam
Diamond Member
Welcome 123. I'm glad you're with us. We've all done our share of crying on this board. Amazing that our keyboards still work!
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