Childhood If I Wanted To Google Signs Of Abuse

[Friday]

@Deadman... LOL. We're actually talking about totally different / exactly the same thing.

I'm saying you can't reverse engineer what an abuser looks like. Because anyone can be an abusive POS. Doesn't matter how they present themselves to the world, or what their personality is like. So you have to actually look for signs of the abuse itself.

You're saying you can spot an abuser by the signs of the abuse. (Like abusing animals? Is a really strong indicator that they also either abuse people, or will escalate to abusing people).

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Ever notice how equal and opposite things show up an awful lot with signs of abuse? One person becomes s...

I agree with you. And it becomes even more complicated if the victim is afraid the abuse is their fault, feels guilty, or being threatened into silence because then they may try to cover it up themselves and their behavior might be totally different. Or any number of things might make the person behave differently. Both abusers and victims all react differently because people are different and react differently, not everyone will show the "typical" signs of abuse.

 

[LadyZane]

I changed my search terms, but I'm not talking about simply a frustration with not finding what I was...

It's like it's up to the searcher to dig for what they want -- instead of that role being filled by the content creators themselves. Ideally, an article about signs of abuse SHOULD include how to spot a victim and a perpetrator, but they don't. They're treated as completely separate topics by experts/doctors/researchers/whatever who should know they're not.

 

[joeylittle]

Abusers have traits, not necessarily symptoms.

The abused demonstrate (show) symptoms or behaviors that are a result of abuse.

I understand where you are coming from, @ExitLight - but I think these are just two different topics.

 

[ExitLight]

@joeylittle, I think these issues are one in the same.
There is a lack of ability for feasible research in comparison to signs of victims vs abusers. Victims are heavily more focused on, and it could be assumed because victims "show" more in a sense.

The lack of research I feel is part of why these issues should be addressed. Imagine a panicking mom, wondering why her child is acting weird. So she googles it. Hypothetical, but these are situations that could lead someone to googling signs of abuse.
If she googles signs of abuse, or is my child being abused? There already lies part of the problem.

Search results bring up symptoms of children that are being abused.
Abusers has just as much traits. They are called traits because it's easier to say traits than symptoms. You could call the victims symptoms traits too. Because behaviors develop.

There's not just one way to figure out a problem. @Friday and @Deadman
So hear me on this next idea.

Because when these results come up, "these are the traits(symptoms) your child develops after being abused."
First the researcher still needs to believe that information. They need to believe their child's point of view after that. And then they need to decided after that whether or not they feel it is true ie the abuse.

Do they ever afterwards research "signs of abuse in my child" "signs of abuse in my partner" "signs that one person i love may be abusing another" Not often. They do, but not nearly enough in my eyes. Because we still see people choosing to disbelieve their children. Choosing to defend the abuser. The lack of access for information on the abuser is disheartening. I believe this is an issue that is much bigger than just what shows up in a search result.
But how does one talk about this type of problem without starting small? How does a person address the bigger picture without first giving building blocks?

To make an analogy, like I love doing. If I wanted to explain what vegetables are to someone who only knows what fruit is, I would have to give reference and analogies to their knowledge of fruit to then expand and teach about vegetables.
I feel like when it comes to abuse, the vegetable is the notion that abusers are just as visible as the victims and should be treated as such. When I see a lack of access to information on that, I feel like I'm looking at a world that is specifically built for fruit-based minds.
In this analogy, fruit = the willingness and acceptance to ignore the victim, and defend the abuser.

So when I talk about addressing the notion that abusers should be visible, held accountable, and victims should not feel like they are living in a world that focuses on them yet refuses to acknowledge that their problems are valid and should be heard...
I feel like I should start small, and slowly suggest the notion. Because not a lot of people like an abrupt change of thinking. I know I don't.

So. When I google symptoms of abuse, I see victim based responses.
I believe, and feel there should be equal amounts for abuser based responses for the same input: ie. signs of abuse.
I believe, and feel the reason why I do not see this currently is because society does focus on the victim rather than the abuser.
We see this as proof when courts let abusers go, and that's even if the victim is believed. It takes a lot more "oomf" for a victim to speak out about their abuse because it's generally not believed. This is the pattern I've seen. Through my personal experience, watching others' personal experiences, and then hearing about even more.

The post is not meant to complain. I feel like I may have not made that clear. The post is meant to help broaden concepts. The post is meant to help critically think. The post is to help others who may be reading and feeling the same disconnect and fear about speaking up regarding their own abuse. The post is to let people know that you can focus on the victim, but please don't choose to ignore the abuser. Please do research into what abuse looks like from the abuser's point of view.
These issues are one in the same because problems stem from bigger problems. People may not relate to this issue because they are stuck my "googling" problem. I'm talking about that, but I'm also talking about something bigger. I feel I cannot talk about the bigger issue without giving at least a few building blocks; "what i see when i google things."
Dropping vegetables in a fruit-based world, ya know.

 

[Friday]

@ExitLight

So... I'm curious... Can you name a single thing that an abuser does that ISN'T abuse that also ISN'T something normal people do?

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@joeylittle, I think these issues are one in the same.
There is a lack of ability...

Most all abusers start out as infants pooing and peeing, eating baby foods, sucking thumbs, on and on. The sexual abusers that act normal and do normal things that trouble me (all concern me) are the priests, pastors, classroom educators, teachers, professors who have the capacity to get so close to children, all of us actually. The priests say their prayers like some of us do; many marry and have children and some do not sexually molest/assault their own children yet prey upon children of other unsuspecting family members. Insidious neighbors who hide behind facade of normalcy all the while molesting and raping their own children, and some rape and murder. Normal people cloaked in normalcy wolves in sheep's clothing. JJ

 

[Suzetig]

It makes sense to me to catch children while they are young in an effort stop the cycle of abuse.

The vast majority of children who are abused don't go on to abuse others - the idea of a "cycle of abuse" is one of those myths that I think is intended to give society some sense of control or safety in situations that are awful to contemplate. It's actually an incredibly hurtful and insulting idea to suggest that because I've experienced extreme levels of abuse as a child, I'm likely to abuse others.

While a lot of people who abuse have been abused themselves, many have never experienced abuse and many many people who have been abused never harm someone else. I think your processing is far too reductionist tbh, there are many factors which contribute towards someone abusing another person and most can't easily be predicted simply because what might indicate an abusive tendency in one person will indicate something entirely different in someone else.

The danger of having a "symptoms of an abuser" type list is that people get boxed when they haven't actually harmed anyone and would never intend to.

 

[Abigail7]

This sounds like it is 1000% a Google frustration that isn't specific to the topic at hand.

How many of us have had a frustration (or twenty) over not being able to find the information we're googling?

(All hands go up.)

We then switch up the Google search terms a few times and finally get what we're looking for.

I think that perhaps you misunderstand how search programs work.

Type in words, get hits based on words you type in.

The application isn't "smart" in the sense that it mind reads and assumes what you actually meant and want to find. I think this would actually be "stupid" technology in that we'd all start banging our heads on our keyboards over an app that constantly incorrectly assumed what we mean, giving us thousands of unwanted hits! Even with a program that gives us hits based solely on the words we type, we still get many unwanted hits.

Google is only as good as its programmers, but Google will never (I hope) be able to mind read. I think it will always be best to get hits based on actual input and not want the computer to read our minds. (Scary stuff!)

 

[StellaBlue]

While a lot of people who abuse have been abused themselves, many have never experienced abuse

I certainly agree that most people who have been abused don't go on to abuse others; however, I'm curious if you have data to back this statement up. I am in NO WAY excusing or defending abusers, but I do suspect that the number of abusers who have not been abused themselves may be relatively small and their behavior is due to an organic brain disorder. However, I don't have any data to support this either.

On a personal note, I have had several therapists question whether or not my familial abuser (my brother) was sexually abused. It's not something I had ever considered and (mostly) don't care about as I can easily get mired down with "inappropriate" empathy towards him.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Most all abusers start out as infants pooing and peeing, eating baby foods, sucking thumbs, on and o...

This is a good point. Many abusers are extremely manipulative and can appear to be very normal and it is often those who you would not suspect (those in authority, family, those already mentioned etc.)

 

[Deleted member 37085]

This is a good point. Many abusers are extremely manipulative and can appear to be very normal and it i...

To this day there is no one that would ever believe father ever sexually attacked and abused me. No one. Crazy-making! they say. Not your father, he would never hurt you!

Then add to the mix the step-father, dawson (gastroenterologist), and man in garden - all seemed normal, acted normal and blended well for others to "see" and yet cumulatively all nearly took me out of here through their manipulative Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde "normal" personalities/behaviors that they acted out and displayed to others and regarding father I was the only person (except for state trooper he hit square in face and also his second wife who to saw the "dark side" of father as well) . To others these vile men must have seemed harmless and to me each in their own disgusting vile putrid manner were sexual predatory sick, purile, disgustingl monsters! I hate them all! I was exposed to evil, pure vile evil! And no one suspected a thing (except with step-father (pringle) Patricia was sexually abused and beaten as well by him, and also I believe he (pringle murdered little Robbie - I have coroner's report and reads like a murder on the series Investigation Discovery).

That I survived and am still here this moment is nothing short of a miracle. I want to say that since starting back in 9/16 Emdr, father manipulatively groomed, discounted, gifted me, beat me into submission, brainwashed me and those that were close about me to believe that I was stupid, crazy, and would never amount to anything, father talked dirty to waitresses in restaurants and our female married neighbors in front of me and looked at me each and every time for reaction (grooming), sexually hung all over me, and was able to cause my brain to dissociate quickly and effortlessly for him so he could sexually abuse me, taught me learned helplessness, treated and talked negatively and showed no consideration to any and all men (younger and adult) that showed any romantic interest in me - father even treated my husband badly made fun of my husband (I only married one time) and said to me that I was special, treated me like his whore, talked to me while drunk like I was his whore, YET around everyone else father could do NO wrong, exposed only to me how evil he was e.x. burned our trailer home down and called me laid up drunk in whore (Beckett) motel just down road from where trailer used to stand. He was extremely seemingly caring, sharing toward others around him ex. worked on AC/Refrigeration etc. and did free work for those who could not afford (sometimes), and his masks that he wore fit so well no one - not even me growing up and during the sexual and physical abuse could see past his masks that he was one of the sexual and evil (beat me and verbally abused me) monsters. I through it all even though he beat me, sexually treated me like a whore, idolized father, worshiped the ground he walked on. I looking back had no children (neither did either bio-sister nor half-sister) and I did not because again looking back I was paralyzed with fear to bring a child into this world with no skills and no ability to love a child. The only skills I had was molestation and how to rape a child. And I was horrified as I got older to even be around children, thoughts ran crazily through my mind that I needed to not be around children, my mind was so screwed up back then my mind told me that I was no good and dangerous to children. Such lies. For I loved and love children. I use to stop mothers in shopping malls and hold their little babies (this was about little Robbie) and because I could not have children out of extreme fear of what I'd been taught myself and how I had been so viciously sexualized and cruelly treated as a little innocent precious girl all the way up into adulthood like a piece of well-seasoned and cruelly stalked and caught animal!

One thing molesters and rapists do that others do not do and that is they blend in oh so well with normal people and their thoughts are sick, twisted and demented about what they are plotting to do (and some do carry and act out) with children, women, men, etc. sexually perverted thinking. All the while they are sitting right next to you, to me, and acting normal. Plotting and planning all the while acting normally around unsuspecting women with children, etc. and blending in oh so well. You certainly can't tell the normal ones from the predatory master manipulator sexual monsters until they strike! Normal people do not sit around salivating and plotting all the while acting normal, on what they want to do to our innocent men, woman, children, infants, etc.

That is one of the myriad of reasons these sexual monsters are so hard to spot! They are chameleon-like and are masters at hiding among normal people. Masters!