Therapy can help you through this. All the wishing and hoping and trying will most likely be useless without navigating it all with a good therapist to show you your roadblocks.
Also, I have a hunch you didn't ruin anything. When love is returned, one mistake wouldn't matter. Harsh? Yes. But true. So, therefore, either you haven't ruined things or there's a better person more suited for you down the road.
You need to stop beating yourself up and go talk to someone who can help you better work though things. One thing that stands out from your posts are the feelings you have for him, there has been little mention of your interaction with him, his behavior towards you, etc. As it sounds like you know (but may need to be reminded of) relationships are a 2-way street, they need to put in just as much effort as you on things.
Also, I have a hunch you didn't ruin anything. When love is returned, one mistake wouldn't matter. Harsh? Yes. But true. So, therefore, either you haven't ruined things or there's a better person more suited for you down the road.
You need to stop beating yourself up and go talk to someone who can help you better work though things. One thing that stands out from your posts are the feelings you have for him, there has been little mention of your interaction with him, his behavior towards you, etc. As it sounds like you know (but may need to be reminded of) relationships are a 2-way street, they need to put in just as much effort as you on things.
