Interpreting A Mild Request As A Personal Criticism

[BlueOrange]

It is now 2 full weeks since I last went to work, and I'm struggling emotionally. I sent a note to 8 or 9 people that I work with telling them what was going on, including the (rather awesome) fact that the company is working on a return-to-work plan for me.

My boss sent me a note saying "Please don't send these updates to so many people."

I feel slapped. I don't think that it's rational that I should feel slapped. He has a general preference for 'keeping a lid on things' and he's in a difficult situation. It's a perfectly sensible request, made in a perfectly sensible way by someone who genuinely likes me and wants me to succeed. My immediate response was to comply, and now, after several hours of feeling hollow and depressed, I can see that there's a part of me that's really angry about this.

I feel stupid that this gets to me. I'd love to 'just don't let it get to you' as I've been advised so many times. It's especially painful today, when I can see that my emotional response really is unhealthy.

My thinking is fine. How do I adjust what I'm feeling?

I have a feeling that this relates strongly to dissociation, that I've dissociated from the angry part, which makes this harder to work with. So ashamed to be writing this post. Surely, if I understand everything so well, I couldn't possibly need help?

 

[Ghostybear73]

I think if there was an easy answer to adjusting our feelings to coincide with what we are thinking (the reality), we would all be in an easier place right now, at least I know that I would.

 

[ghotiff]

I understand you on this.

Once for me my manager cautioned me subtly with his body language in a meeting before I made a small "mistake". Intellectually I knew he was totally in his right to do so and was respectful about it. But, it had upset me.

Later that night I went to bed and allowed myself to feel that feeling. What I discovered was that I wasn't upset for my almost mistake, I was upset because I should not have been put in a situation where I had to with-hold that truth from the meeting (a minor ethical situation).

Ethics are incredibly important to me and this I realized is why I was truly upset. Once I knew this, the bad feeling went away quite quickly.

My point is, sometimes with me, if I don't understand the root if why I am upset, I can't let it go until I do.

Hope that helps.

 

[digger]

The important thing here, I think, is that you are questioning your response and whether it's rational or not. Self awareness is a step in the right direction at least I reckon.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

So maybe the question is: why are you really angry? Anger for no reason never happens.
I'm not saying that it's okay to be angry.

Maybe if you try to figure out where this anger is really coming from, you could deal with it better.
Just shoving aside your emotions because they "shouldn't be there" never solves those emotions.

There are techniques for this that help. I have a CBT app on my phone, for example, I'll tell you how it works.
First, it says: what happened? you describe the situation. Then, you describe how that made you feel like.
Then it asks you, what your negative thoughts are. Write those down too.

For each negative thought, the app asks you what kind of distortion is in it.
You could be, either, overgeneralizing (this always happens) or reading minds (filling in what your boss thinks), leaping to conclusions, negative labeling (label yourself or him negatively), this list goes on for a while. When you have added the distortion, it asks you to reappraise your negative thought. At the end it asks you: how do you feel now?

I find this works with challenging systematic thinking.

 

[RussH]

I know for myself that it is really easy to receive critizism where none is intended.
I became so programed to people pointing out my flaws, my mistakes, or just what they didn't like about me, or what the thought they didn't like about me, that I started expecting it. And now someone can say something that is not intended as critical, but I perceive it as that way.

Personally I think you boss is trying to protect you, and that is a good thing.

 

[scout86]

I have to admit, I know the feeling/reaction! What @ghotiff said has given me so much to think about I may have to take the rest of the day off, just to think about it!

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @scout86 It was a huge realization for me to understand that getting to the root cause is important for me and the root cause can be difficult to work out.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that @ghotiff is correct, I think it can be influenced by how sensitive we are, even how tired and that. How much fear is there, +/or how tentative hope is, what we already fear.