Is Anyone Glad They Tried Reconciling With Their Parents?

[Bloomy]

My pc is sick poor thing so hope Ill post this correct :wideeyed:

 

[Lady McCormick]

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies. Thank you ALL! :)

Is it really the "teaching" her part, or is it more the need to maybe communicate to her how much she hurt you?

"Teaching" probably wasn't the best word. I recognize that she won't understand most (or any?) of what she did wrong. We've had a couple conversations now after a decade-plus period of no contact, and she's given two back-handed apologies for relatively insignificant things. It's insulting.

It's not my job to tell her what she did. I guess I just want to tell her that she did an unforgivably poor job of "caring" for a human being.

If I had it to do over again I wouldnt do it. They made me feel hopeful about making discoveries & understanding what happened, until I soften up around them and started to feel pity and forgiveness, I didn't even think I was capable of that & wasn't guarded against it

Yeah, I was certainly worried about that as well. At this point, I'm planning on meeting her with my psychologist, in his office. We won't allow time for empathy, and he's willing my act as a moderator.

They wont tell the truth.

No, she won't. Who would admit to the kinds of abuse we see all over this forum? Who would admit to repeatedly destroying my penis when I was an infant? I just had my third surgery for that. (Despite my username, I'm not a lady :p.) She pretends like nothing's wrong despite the fact that I walk around with the evidence in my pants every day. This was a MADDENING way to harm a child!

Her m.o. has been to act like the most caring, loving mother, all the while perpetuating unspeakable abuse. My next message to her will be that I contacted her for answers, not to build a relationship. If she doesn't want to talk about that, she can go f*ck herself.

 

[Sideways]

contacted her for answers, not to build a relationship.

This, to me, is the really important part. You're clear why you're doing this, and the plan to have your T present is great.

Remember that she will be approaching this with her own needs and expectations. If she wants to reconcile and doesn't want to have her (appalling) mothering put under the microscope, you may not get the answers that you want. You can only control what you do, not what she does and says.

Having said that, I find what you're doing really inspiring. Obviously you know, and will have talked to your T, about the chance that she simply won't cooperate. But if this confrontation is something you need, not the relationship with her moving forward, then I think this is great. Even if I worst-case-scenario this and she gets her hackles up and resorts to old patterns, you've still confronted her. You've done what you need. And I think that's brave and really awesome:)

 

[Lady McCormick]

But if this confrontation is something you need, not the relationship with her moving forward, then I think this is great.

Yes, the confrontation seems to be it. Especially seeing how she responds to human situations. When you're an isolated kid, you can't really say think, "Wow, that parent of mine sure is behaving irrationally."

Anyway, I just hit SEND on the no-frills message telling her what I want to talk about. My partner sees how she's responded to my messages and he knows she's batsh*t crazy, and really, seeing her take on the world now is pretty enlightening. I'll keep you posted with how this turns out. No idea how long it'll take to get to the end of it. I'll be happy to put this behind me. I'd like to think I'm prepared for quite a storm.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I cut my parents off 3 years ago. I have my mother a second chance when the child was a few months old.

Didn't work out, and I drop kicked her again.

Don't do it. What you are biologically primed to want and what your birth unit and sperm donor are capable of giving you are usually as far removed from one another as is possible in this universe.

I don't think, in my limited experience, that I've ever seen a parent that caused or contributed to their child's ptsd, stop damaging their child,even when they're adults and able to defend themselves.

My psychiatrist taught me something very valuable. When someone is treating you in a way that damages you either emotionally or physically, they are throwing you a cactus.

It's up to you what to do, but if I threw you a potted cactus, would you catch it?

Don't catch the cactus. Move to a place with nurturing life giving water, lush green grass, beautiful flowers and the warm sun, and nurture yourself.

You're no longer in that emotionally barren desert, don't go back.

We are conditioned from birth that we owe our parents. We don't.

 

[Lady McCormick]

Well, I've asked her via text the question I wanted to ask, and got the answer I expected from her. I've kind of lost my motivation to meet with her. All I would have to say to her now is that she can't possibly understand what a horrible parent she was, and I have every reason to expect she can't listen to that.

She says, "I cancelled the [surgery] when you were in high school I was furious at your conduct. I don't have any idea why it was never rescheduled." I know why it wasn't rescheduled: She had no regard for my health. I have permanent damage to my genitals, quite possibly because of abuse or neglect (which she of course denied), and that is what she has to say.

She also "apologized" for calling the police and having me arrested when I "was out of control" (read: when her husband was assaulting me).

It's maddening to see how she feels she's the victim of a son who didn't love her, and what a good job she does of acting like a perfect parent.

My psychologist, my partner, and most of you tell me I don't need to meet her. I was kind of looking forward to meeting her, as an extreme exposure therapy.

I may still do it (in my psychologist's office), but I don't feel it's urgent any more. I don't feel like I'll get much out of it. Maybe I'd be less scared, but maybe I'd be more scared? Maybe we'll see.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Do you need her to listen, or do you need to say it out loud?

When I served my birth unit, I held nothing back. Because I knew she hadn't changed, I deserved to have my voice out loud.

Fast forward several years and my sister told me that she's changed so much that my sister can no longer tell if it's her or the sperm donor texting.

 

[Lady McCormick]

Maybe I do just need to say it to her. Good question.

my sister can no longer tell if it's her or the sperm donor texting.

Does that means she's gotten worse?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Maybe I do just need to say it to her. Good question.



Does that means she's gotten worse?[/Q...

Much worse. My sister and brother have almost no bond left with them.