Relationship Is he coming back?

[Fleabug]

So I have known him for almost 20 years. We started seeing each other in October. He has issues with labels. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend in March. He has been really great. We are long distance and I see him once a month for a week. He refuses phone calls and only speaks to me through text, email, or social media. He has cPTSD from domestic abuse in 2 previous relationships. He has tried therapy but says it doesn't work and is currently using CBD. Usually his anger and delusions center around his ex partners. Our last visit though, he started on me for the first time. I was able to redirect and calm him easily. We had a pleasant visit. On my way home, he texted that we were finished. Out of the blue. He was concerned we wouldn't see each other as often and said when he thought about it he lost all feelings for me immediately. He still wants to be friends. He blocked me on social media and I got really upset and he unblocked me. I told him I loved him and would give him space and he told me to quit manipulating him. I left it at I wouldn't contact him and he could contact me if he needed/wanted to because the anger directed at me and the fighting isn't healthy. He doesn't seem to want to cut ties with me and wants to fight no matter what. If I am nice, he gets upset because I am not hurt by the break up. If I express my hurt feelings, he gets really angry. I guess I am wondering do I keep hope that he is coming back? Or do I give up all hope? I am moving to be closer to him as we had planned. He is my best friend and I am crushed that we aren't talking.

 

[Fleabug]

I wanted to add that the reason we wouldn't see each other as much was because I have to pack and move. So it would be a couple of months before I would see him again. Also when we broke up he absolutely refused to tell me he didn't want me anymore.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm sorry he's struggling so much. Is he in therapy? Is he diagnosed? Trust is really hard to get back after abuse.

Are you moving specifically to be with him? If I were you? I'd wait a while to do that until you both work things out.

Good luck!

G

 

[Fleabug]

I am not moving closer solely for him. I have family that I need to help care for. He is diagnosed and is seeing a therapist sporadically.

 

[Fleabug]

I want to say also that he has not been verbally or physically abusive in any way. Just angry and extremely combative. I can't say anything without it starting a fight. It isn't productive fighting which is why I decided to not contact him and let him come to me. It's not healthy arguing.

 

[LovingH]

Ack ack ack, I can SO relate to this.

My ex did the same thing in our last IM convo. Accused me of being manipulative. Said "you just want to fight because your narrative requires that somebody be the good guy and the bad guy. Obviously I'm the bad guy"...stuff like that. OMG I was like, what happened to you? Where is my sweet love? Where did all this vitrol come from? I broke up wtih him but apologized..wanted another shot..he gave me one..said we'd hang out once a week "as friends for now"..then on our 2nd "working it out" date, he totally was triggered and cried about his past ex and how now he doesn't trust me..it got so extreme that he said he was scared I'd "stab him in his sleep." Very alarming. I just listened and held his hand.

Make a long story short, then he withdrew from me again (which is why I broke up w him two wks prior..he got cold and distant).

I really wanted to keep trying to make it work. But he was all over the map about what he wanted and ultimately told me I should move on because he didn't want to use me to escape his pain from the past.

All I did at that point, was express how sad I was, and how if he wanted me to move on cuz he didn't think I could handle his trauma, he was wrong. I can. And left the door open for us.

I'm not sure how that got perceived as me manipulating him, or me just wanting to "fight."

But yeah, once they project their past onto you..or construct a fantasy in their mind where you're just a manipulative jerkhole..what can you do?

It's frustrating. Every day, I cry because he thinks I'm this terrible person who sees him as a bad guy. And I don't. I'm sitting here on this forum,a nd doing research because I recognize MY PTSD is what made me break up with him, and I need to treat it. I'm trying to not only help myself, but understand him better. I still love him. I totally think he's wonderful but suffering, just like me. And I can't even express that to him.

There's this wall I can't climb, because no matter what I say to him, it'll be misunderstood. Or misperceived.

Anyway, I'm here for you if you need support.

 

[LovingH]

oh and btw, my ex had said he wanted to be friends, too, at the time he told me to move on. I said I couldn't..my feelings for him were too strong.

I wonder if that's their sort of noncommital way of keeping the door open?

In any case, maybe he's mad at me cuz I shut it.

In that last angry IM to me, he said "I had wanted to be friends as a transition for us but now I don't think I can." Which was puzzling cuz I never even mentioned being "just friends." Or maybe that was a swipe just to hurt me. Ie, you've hurt me so much that I can't even be FRIENDS with you.

Very painful to have so much projected anger directed at us.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I guess I am wondering do I keep hope that he is coming back? Or do I give up all hope?

That’s the million dollar question... in fact, this is without a doubt the most common question asked in the supporter section of this forum.

Short answer - there is no way of knowing.

Welcome to a PTSD relationship. This is likely just the tip of the iceberg as your honeymoon phase wears off. It seems like a lot of supporters wind up here at the 6-ish month mark wondering WTF just happened. That seems to be a popular time for the newness/happiness of the relationship to wear off and the symptoms to reveal themselves.

I’m not saying it’s standard, and that everything works the same way. Anything but that. Every sufferer is different, and every relationship is different. Some come back, and a lot do not.

It sounds like you are doing the smartest thing. You are giving him space, not engaging in arguments, and not escalating. That’s really all you can do at this point. Respect his boundaries and work on your own healing.

He officially asked me to be his girlfriend in March.

This may have been what did it, just as an educated guess from a fellow supporter. Transitions are stress. Relationships are stress. He may be having problems processing it.

 

[Fleabug]

Omg. That sounds so much like my situation. This whole thing has made me feel awful. I keep a pit in my stomach. I want to message him so badly, but I know if I keep trying to communicate he will completely shut me out. We had discussed if his brain turned against me and I had said we will deal with it if it happens. That was before I knew a lot about the PTSD. I wish I could go back and set some better boundaries now though. Too late. I feel certain he will be back, but I almost feel like if I could get over him it would make him feel safer to be with me. A nice catch 22. He is the kindest most beautiful man. It's all just such a shame because he deserves love.

That’s the million dollar question... in fact, this is without a doubt the most common question asked in the supporter section of this forum.

Short answer - there is no way of knowing.

Welcome to a PTSD relationship. This is likely just the tip of the iceberg as your honeymoon phase wears off. It seems like a lot of supporters wind up here at the 6-ish month mark wondering WTF just happened. That seems to be a popular time for the newness/happiness of the relationship to wear off and the symptoms to reveal themselves.

Yes I was shocked that he asked me honestly. And I even asked if he was sure. Guess it was too much. And yep, we are right around that 6 month mark for sure.

Ack ack ack, I can SO relate to this...

I replied to you, but did it in the wrong place. Sorry!

 

[LovingH]

I think you have a better chance of your ex coming back than I do.

Mainly cuz you didn't do anything wrong. I, OTOH, broke up with mine, and even tho he was willing to give me a 2nd chance..that all got shot to h*** because he was triggered.

Someone pointed out to me on one of my threads, though..since we had the 6 mo honeymoon period and right AT the 6 month mark is when he started acting out of his past fears..this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Would you WANT to take him back? Knowing he can drop you like a hot potato, like this, at any time, and you are left stunned? Confused and hurt?

Something to consider.

If my ex came back, I would insist we go to couples counseling together.

We have another stumbling block..a huge age difference. He may not think it's worth it to put in the work with me because I'm a lot older than he is. He had put a time limit on our rel'ship of a few yrs because of it. Probably another reason I felt so insecure :(

 

[Fleabug]

I think you have a better chance of your ex coming back than I do.

Mainly cuz you didn't do anything wrong. I, OTOH, broke up with mine, and even tho he was willing to give me a 2nd chance..that all got shot to h*** because he was triggered.

Someone pointed out to me on one of my threads, though..since we had the 6 mo honeymoon period and right AT the 6 month mark is when he started acting out of his past fears..this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Would you WANT to take him back? Knowing he can drop you like a hot potato, like this, at any time, and you are left stunned? Confused and hurt?

Something to consider.

If my ex came back, I would insist we go to couples counseling together.

We have another stumbling block..a huge age difference. He may not think it's worth it to put in the work with me because I'm a lot older than he is. He had put a time limit on our rel'ship of a few yrs because of it. Probably another reason I felt so insecure :(

I would definitely 100% want him back. Obviously need to work on better boundaries, but definitely. I am a pretty solitary person and have my own things going on. Hopefully he is able to recognize when he needs space and not wreck me, but that remains to be seen. It is interesting to me that you are older than he is because I am also older than mine by almost 8 years.

 

[WTF Happened]

It seems like a lot of supporters wind up here at the 6-ish month mark wondering WTF just happened. That seems to be a popular time for the newness/happiness of the relationship to wear off and the symptoms to reveal themselves.

I came here at that exact time. And, well, just look at my username.

Mine never did come back. I still find this forum and insight from sufferers to be of comfort when I'm struggling with residual emotions (the suddenness and coldness of the break-up traumatized me in its own way). I do often wonder why I'm treated like something to be avoided, even now: I recently sent a brief, friendly email in an effort to reconnect. Figured I'd get an apology at best and an indifferent or even mean reply at worst. I got no reply instead.

Don't let my story discourage you. Everyone's different. I only share to let you know that you're not alone and you're not crazy, though this experience can be crazy-making.