Is He Lying About# Sexual Partners?

[Ufeb]

I don't know if he's lying or not, but you may be in for a sexless relationship as well.

 

[Simij]

Wait, why does the number of women he has slept with before matter? Why is the even coming up? Outside of both of you getting tested for any STDs, that's in the past. Why are you asking so much about how many people he slept with. Does the number of people he slept with before you change anything for you?

3 dates over a 2-3 month time frame is not very many dates. Is this a long distance relationship? Why don't you and him date more?

I think you both have trust issues, and that you both need to give this relationship some time to build up, and interact more face to face.

Have you asked him why they lived together and why they didn't have sex?

It is weird they lived together. It could have been she gave him the impression she wasn't into premarital sex, and he respected it, and then after they broke up, he found out she was cheating on him, and now the betrayal means he is reluctant...

I think it might be better to focus on what sex means for you and him now, rather than figuring out the mess of this past relationship of his. Focus on if you two will have sex, if so, why not, what hold him back, what would make him sure the relationship is going somewhere, tell him what you hope for and want about sex, and what you want in the relationship. I think this will get into a lot more practical info that will help you two figure out this new-ish relationship.

I don't see any major red flags to indicate he is lying to you, especially if that is your sense of it too.

Only he can tell you if he is afraid of sex, and it might take a lot more time in the relationship for him to admit such vulnerable info. It might also be that he's afraid of hurting you, not performing, ect. He may also be ashamed of his struggle. Sex can be a very mixed thing for survivors still in recovery. Having steady partner that is safe to talk to and work through concerns with can help a lot.

 

[Ahu]

Why does there seem to be so much judgment toward this guy who isn't having sex!

Just as its bad to judge women who have too much sex, it's bad to question men who don't have "enough", whatever random number "enough" is supposed to be.

It's 2016. Please join us....

 

[Azep]

It is important to the OP, or they wouldn't have asked the question.

Sex is a natural, healthy part of a romantic relationship. It is important to most people to be sexually compatable to their mate. If this guy doesn't have a sex drive, and the OP does, then it's going to be rough.

My sufferer doesn't have a sex drive sometimes and it is frustrating. I would NEVER want him to "power through" only to make me happy if he didn't want to. I also love him more than physically. I never push him or demand sex. I understand his PTSD affects his second drive. However my desire to have sex is just as valid as his not to.

 

[Fevivu]

I think I put more importance on his number than intended. It's more like his lack of sexperience. (Intentional typo) all I know is he said he was in a really bad space when he met her online. He flew out there and he said he stayed because he was lonely. She had kids (that he's still in contact with) so I don't know if he stayed just out of loneliness, love, the kids, got stuck there money wise, or a combo of many reasons.

I should also say that I also have PTSD. And it literally JUST occurred to me that I spent the last two years of my last relationship sexless. I suppose it's not that far fetched they didn't have sex.

He did lie to me once about having an apartment in a different state. He is a truck driver and we talked about it in the beginning and we didn't tell me he lived there, but was "thinking" about it. He fessed up about it (after I stalked him online) and said he didn't feel like it was any of my business at the time but didn't want to be rude and say that so he lied.

I do NOT do well with lies. We talked about it and now if he doesn't want to talk about something he tells me he's not ready to talk about it. Which seems to have worked out.

I also didn't bring up # of sex partners, he did so I'm not sure his motivation of that. I got the feeling he isn't very experienced and is nervous about it. He also says sex is ok but he's never been with anyone he felt "connected" to.

I have such a difficult time trusting people. But he's always so patient with me. He's never gotten defensive, even when I confronted him after my online stalking. He didn't flip it around on me for snooping or anything. Listened to my concerns and explained his point of view.

Oh, yeah since he's a truck driver is why we've only met 3 times in person. It is sort of long distance. He takes his "home time" in the city I live in, he grew up here and his parents live here.

 

[Mivij]

You stalked him online?

I think it's a bit disgusting that you mention this so casually.

Stalking of any kind is nothing to take lightly. It is creepy. It shows an extreme lack of boundaries.

You've only known this guy 2ish months and have only met him 3 times.

There is so much dysfunction and co-dependency in what little you've written that I wouldn't even know where to start.

Please tell all of this to your therapist. I honestly think you need more help than an online forum can offer.

 

[Mecig]

That's a little harsh... She smelled bullshit, so she investigated. Using the phrase "online stalking" as a colloquialism doesn't equal actual stalking behavior. Looking up public information online is hardly stalking.

Not everybody in this word is an abuser.

 

[Rahe]

Yep harsh. I myself would feel equally at odds with being told this story. And why couldn't he say about having an apartment in a different state? What's to hide?
In reality you hardly know him - three dates and a lot of conversations on the phone does not make a relationship, but I too would feel wary in this situation.
Take your time and get to know him well before you commit to snyyhing, I say!

 

[Fevivu]

I used "stalking" perhaps incorrectly... I looked him up in public records. I didn't pay a spy site or anything like that. I also told him I did it. Not the first time I've looked someone up. Found out a guy had been arrested for domestic violence that way.

How to say this nicely... If you have a problem with me and how I'm living my life and feel that I'm not allowed to get PEER support on this forum you can opt to not read my post and I'd certainly invite you to leave me alone.

I was under the perhaps incorrect assumption this was a safe place where I could get some opinions from people going through perhaps similar situations.

I didn't realize people rode horses that high here.

 

[Pehus]

I didn't realize people rode horses that high here.

,

@Fevivu You're virtually guaranteed to get diverse opinions on virtually any topic, and -since it's PTSD- the likelihood of one or more of those responses being triggery or triggered is fairly high.

Stalking someone online is a fairly common phrase rationally & respectfully accessing publicly available info, in much the same way that starving is a pretty common phrase for being hungry for lunch in a life that never misses a meal. But being a PTSD forum? Yep. You're likely to bump into people who have been seriously and dangerously stalked, and who have near died or suffered for years from starvation. And sometimes those people are having a bad day.

In nearly all cases, it's less riding horses that high, and more having been trampled by horses that get the what may seem to be out of left field responses.

I don't personally agree with Mivij, for the record. This is not a defense of that particular post nor viewpoint. More I've read a lot, lately, about this site being a "safe" place... And that just confuses the hell out of me. While we're moderated exceptionally well, and attacks are not tolerated -although diverse opinions are- this is not only the interwebz, but we're talking PTSD here ;) Emotions run high, triggers abound, and other people's nightmares and worst fears are our real lives. Things can get a bit sparky!

My best advice? Take what's useful to you, & ignore the rest. :D While it doesn't work in the anonymous forum, if you're new and don't know about it yet, there is an "ignore" function that allows you to ignore individual members at your own discretion. Even if they're responding directly to your thread, all you'll see is a line that reads something along the lines of "ignored member" or "ignored content"... And none of their comments. You can always change your settings later -or not- but it gets rid of content that you can't/ don't want to/ don't have the energy to ignore on your own.

Hopefully not derailing your thread too much.

Cheers!