General Is it common to hold onto things?

[Skywatcher]

I can see why you’d get the impression that he is being manipulative but I know he is genuinely hurt because I used some of the most personal things he’s ever said to me as ammo because he made it seem as if he was back with his ex... it’s a long story. We broke up, he sent me photos of him with his ex and I used whatever I could to hurt him, we got back together and now he still hold onto those things and says I meant them all even tho I know in my heart they aren’t true, I just knew that’s how he viewed himself. It was wrong of me. It’s just a really tough spot to be in. He holds onto a lot of past traumas of his mother giving him up as a child, then finding out by taking a dna ancestory kit his father who raised him isn’t his biological father.

I would be surprised if he didn’t have abandonment issues with that past, leading me back to attachment. I don’t think that he is intentionally being manipulative. Also, I think that if you want this relationship to work you might look into therapy, an older mentor or pastor. Sounds like some very hurtful things went on between you both in the past.

 

[AngelBaby]

My walls go up at the slightest provocation....even with people I know love me. I don't usually do the "well you did this last year" crap but I do pull away because it's suddenly not safe to trust them if I get too close when I'm upset. And this is with people I've been close to for decades.

So what your guy is doing doesn't surprise me. But that Does Not make it ok. This is his problem and if he wants to get past it he has to do the work. It's taken me years of therapy to get to a place where I can understand what I'm doing and how to buffer it. Don't get me wrong - I still pull away. But I no longer blame them when I do and I recover way faster.

He will either do the work or he wont. But that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like crap while he figures it out. PTSD does not give us the right to be abusive asshats.

I’ve noticed this, because of that incident he no longer sees me as the person that’s safe while he is having a difficult time with his ptsd.
We’ve had discussions on whether we should call it quits because I brought it up, but he always says he doesn’t want to end things and not have me in his life. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done, on both mine and his part.

I’m hoping once we begin speaking again, we’ll be able to have a conversation about this.

Sometimes possibly unintentional grudges can happen with PTSD, especially if the argument somehow aligns with the prior trauma. PTSD can sometimes cause misaligned thoughts. I'm sorry he's holding it against you. Is he in therapy? It might be worth encouraging him to discuss it with the therapist. Couples counseling could also help. It can be difficult for significant others to continually deal with PTSD, but you seem to be doing well and I hope you can keep going. Sometimes it's hard for those with PTSD to find such a loving partner. Come here to blow off steam any time. Prayers for strength and wisdom.

I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. It definitely isn’t an easy journey when trying to be a supportive partner to a man who is dealing with so much.
he was in therapy prior to covid so I’m not too sure now.
Trying to regain trust and assuring him I’m safe, isn’t like turning on a light switch and I’m aware of that. I’m still trying to navigate and get some insight from both sides.
I’m glad I have a safe place here. Sending my love to you all xo

Actually attachment patterns apply to all people. I think it’s kind of on a spectrum, but I could be wrong too. I was just thinking that it might be something the OP might be interested in reading about.

Thank you, I will definitely look into that.

I would be surprised if he didn’t have abandonment issues with that past, leading me back to attachment. I don’t think that he is intentionally being manipulative. Also, I think that if you want this relationship to work you might look into therapy, an older mentor or pastor. Sounds like some very hurtful things went on between you both in the past.

Between those 18 months I have dug deep on my own issues which is why I take full accountability for the things I have done and don’t point the finger or bring up anything he’s said or done. I met him at a very dark time in my life. My father was in a motorcycle club and was murdered a day after planning a trip to see him. I met T at the funeral, so I had a lot going on and had to learn how to cope and live again. It’s been 26 months since that happened and I’m finally in a good place in my life. We have a lot that holds us together. It’s him being able to forgive and trust me again that’s been a challenge.

 

[Movingforward10]

Between those 18 months I have dug deep on my own issues which is why I take full accountability for the things I have done and don’t point the finger or bring up anything he’s said or done. I met him at a very dark time in my life. My father was in a motorcycle club and was murdered a day after planning a trip to see him. I met T at the funeral, so I had a lot going on and had to learn how to cope and live again. It’s been 26 months since that happened and I’m finally in a good place in my life. We have a lot that holds us together. It’s him being able to forgive and trust me again that’s been a challenge.

@AngelBaby , I'm so sorry you went through that. I don't have the correct words. But I'm sorry.

I would just say, make sure you're getting the support you need too from this relationship. You have been through something traumatic. Yes, you said hurtful things. BUT you said sorry. He does have to let go and move on from it. You have feelings and needs too. It can be very easy to feel responsible for someone else's happiness. My T is constantly trying to get me to realise I'm not responsible for my partner's emotions and I struggle to believe this. But you partner does need to let this go. It is his responsibility to understand why those words are things he holds to closely so long after the event. And why all your other behaviour isn't enough for him to feel safe around you. That is on him. Not you. I say this as someone who understands how and why he feels like that. But also: don't lose you and your feelings. You are allowed to have them and to express them.
Maybe couples therapy will help?

 

[Never_falter2]

@AngelBabyYes, you said hurtful things. BUT you said sorry. He does have to let go and move on from it. You have feelings and needs too. It can be very easy to feel responsible for someone else's happiness. My T is constantly trying to get me to realise I'm not responsible for my partner's emotions and I struggle to believe this.

To be honest I think it depends.
What if Jane tells John “You are a babymurderer and you are gonna burn in hell“ or “Why don’t you kill yourself as you always planned to? Show me you have guts at least one time in your life and kill yourself“ or (in front of others) “Just look at John, did you know he wets his bed every night?“
Wouldnt she be at least partly responsible for his emotions?

 

[Movingforward10]

To be honest I think it depends.
What if Jane tells John “You are a babymurderer and you are gonna burn in hell“ or “Why don’t you kill yourself as you always planned to? Show me you have guts at least one time in your life and kill yourself“ or (in front of others) “Just look at John, did you know he wets his bed every night?“
Wouldnt she be at least partly responsible for his emotions?

Are those the things you said to him? If not, I'm not sure using hypothetical situations helps resolve your questions?

My questions would be:
18 months later, you're still responsible?
What about all your actions since then?

It sounds like his PTSD is fixating on what it was you said 18 months ago, as that feeds in to his ptsd narrative. That is his unhealthy brain making unhealthy connections, which you are not responsible for. He is. I say this as someone who has to remind myself of this *all the time*. It's exhausting having to remind myself. But that's not on anyone else but me. I don't always get it right. But I know that in a healthy relationship, if some one says they are sorry and they show that, over time, by not behaving like that again, then I know that apology is real, and the issue is resolved. Bringing up an issue constantly and not being able to resolve it, is a problem in a relationship. Arguments and disagreements need resolution. Otherwise, what's going on?

But, if all that doesn't sit with you, then it doesn't. What do you think you need to do then to resolve the situation?

My only words of caution are that sometimes our compassion for others can override what we need to oirselves,.

 

[blackemerald1]

To be honest I think it depends.

^Absolutely it does.

But.

Hypothetical statements that were never said are not useful here.

And,

At the same time having elicited many apologies and received the benefits of being in the relationship it isn't cool at all to hold one single event where horrible things were said as the reason why the relationship cannot move forward.

I mean if it is the reason? Then bloody end it! It's not okay to pick over your partner and hold them to ransom about something they cannot retract, that they have apologised for and have in the overwhelming majority been supportive.

This is eighteen months ago! They made up. They had a fight and got all mangled about it. The fights over and the relationship was resumed except he wants to take spent ammo and reload it, over n over n over.....

Not cool...

Find out what the real reason is that he will not/cannot commit to you. If he says that it is this single event that you've described then ask for resolution. And not entirely on his terms. Remember it takes two to have an argument/fight/breakup.

Like are we moving forward past that? Are we in a holding pattern whilst you do it all over again in therapy? Do you want to do couples therapy? What is the resolution!?? And a time frame too. Like don't waste another 18 months of your life with a man who doesn't know how to deal with crap/you/relationship/breakups & makeups. Just don't.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sorry my previous post (can't now edit). I got confused and responded too quickly as I thought @Never_falter2 's post as if it was @AngelBaby .
So ignore a lot of it.
I think what stands from it is no point asking hyperthetical questions, as I don't think that helps the OP.