General Is This Ptsd Or Is He Being Rude?

[Virtues]

Florian, you hinted you had the same problems. Could you tell me how you learned to cope and how your loved ones learned to cope?

I told you I was on the verge of killing someone, well I wasn't lying. I was a firefighter in the military so I always carried my tools with me in the truck in case I came across a motor vehicle accident and needed to go to work. Well, one day at a red light I drug a guy from his car (because he pissed me off) and held a crash axe to his head. The only thing that kept me from swinging is a little lap dog in the car that was yapping at me; I don't know why but that snapped me out of it. I wasn't arrested by authorities and could have walked away free and clear, but something inside me died that day. I really turned into a monster, something I was afraid of. I committed myself to an inpatient facility the next day, and more importantly, I committed myself to getting better. I joined the Marine Corps to help people, I became a firefighter to help people, and what I became that day was not conducive to who I wanted to be.

It didn't come all at once, as a matter of fact once I got out of inpatient treatment my med-board was started, this may be when it hit me the hardest. I use to walk around base looking for people to square away. You didn't salute the flag, your uniform wasn't squared away, you were walking and smoking,... it didn't matter what rank either. I was so angry that I was losing my beloved career that I clung to the uniform regulations like they were the holy bible. I was so demanding of my Marines that they took them away from me, and stuck me in an office to finish out my career (imagine a firefighter pushing papers) it was no way to live.

Something that has really given me some new hope (because I know that's what you're looking for) is equine therapy. Working with horses has been a real eye opener and has forced me to get in tune with myself. It has humbled me, challenged me, as well as given me some pride back. If you're interested I can send you a link to the thread I started about it and you can read through my posts (if you like)

I think my husband has a strong urge to protect and help other people and I wonder if the job he currently works in is right for him because he cannot help other people there and I guess that makes him feel useless and he jumps to saving people who are not in need of being saved.

I really think you're on to something here. This is exactly where I was when I got out and it compounded my PTSD symptoms as well as my depression and anxiety. It's tough to get a handle on things when you feel useless.

 

[Tweety]

Wise words @The Albatross!
@ghottiff I have been watching out for clues when he will say something mean and did not find any. May be his mood, if he did not sleep well.
I am a bit chaotic and try to be not to but I cannot be perfect no matter how hard I try.

@Florian7051: I hope that I did not make you share anything you did not want to share. I am happy you are in a better place now. Yes please do send me a link about horse therapy.
I have been reading a few of your posts. I hope you don't mind. You mentioned you have a wife and kids. How did they react to your "rudeness"?
I am happy to learn you went to see Disneyland. My husband cannot do those type of things but one day we will be going there together.

 

[Virtues]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/part-of-a-group-that-just-isnt-working.58939/

I will post more in the above thread soon (I've been putting it off for a while, but I have a lot of updates to put in there)

My "rudeness" was mostly directed towards my wife; my marriage was a sketch straight out of the sitcom "Married With Children". My wife straight up told me she didn't like how I talked to her. I didn't listen when I was at my lowest, but once I got into therapy I started to make a real effort to change the way I talked about her, the way I talked to her, the way I talked about our marriage.

And don't worry, you didn't pressure me to say anything I wasn't comfortable talking about. Like I said, I've come a long way since those days and that man is in the past. That doesn't mean I don't have my problems, setbacks, issues, etc... it just means I'm not in those dark beginning days of my recovery with no tools and no idea what was happening to me; at least now I have an idea and some tools to work with.

 

[Tweety]

Thanks @Florian7051. That was interesting. I am looking forward to your updates.

 

[Tweety]

I have been mulling over my marriage a bit and realized that I am so unhappy with his rude behaviour that I am not going to accept it. I will have to talk to him and tell him that I won't be talked like that and my brothers won't be talked like that and I don't think he is setting a good example for his kids.

I did this before but I mostly talked to him when I was angry and talked to him without making a plan (what to say).

Is there the possibility that this will be a success or are the really some people who cannot help degrading other people?

I tought about suggesting that I could say "Stop, you are being rude again" and them he is allowed to write his thoughts like "Our house will burn down, the children will die and all just because my wife is a lazy idiot and I did Not stop her" or "My brothers in law will end up wimps and it is all my fault" into a diary and can curse as much as he wants to.
After a while he can check if any of his fears came true and will he relieved that this is not the case.

*sigh* He is a gentle soul and I don't want to offend him. Is my idea any good?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I havent read all the replies so I appologize if this was said already.

I watch Dr Phil (yes yes I know) and he says a lot (to people that try to control everyone and everything outside) that they are being controling like that as that makes them feel better inside. If I can make everything perfect outside then somehow that helps me inside, feel more controled inside. Though trying "toughen" up guys arent always controling and calling you or anyone lazy isnt really controling either but I think it might be a byproduct of it.

Unsure if he's in therapy (again, appologize if that was already said) but googling "PTSD control" is how I found this site.

Yes, we are responsible for our behavior but he may not see the damage this is doing or he may not even see his behavior as bad. So if he doesnt have a theripist Id get one and if he does Id urge him to talk to them about PTSD and controling behaviors.

He is, as we all are, responsible for his actions & behaviors and how they affect others in the end. Im not trying to excuse it at all.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes he can change if he is willing to do so.

Walking on egg shell's constantly in your family life is very tiring.

Ensure you look after yourself in a positive way. This will help you stop the doormat syndrome from creeping in.

He will loose his job or get complaints if he does not get this under control.

I sense you wanting to appease. Don't, it is very important that you do not enable his behaviour. I suggest you accompany him to therapy & make sure all of you are addressing this behaviour.

Do not allow him to call anyone derogatory names. This is psychological abuse. Call it for what it is, and tell him he is causing harm.

You really do need to take back some control of what is & isn't acceptable for you & your family. (Your boundaries).

He need's therapy on this behaviour asap & you need to know he is working on it.