Relationship It Takes More Than Love

[Never Give Up]

You are in a complicated situation at a young age. I agree with you, there is nothing you can do for her at this time. She has to be willing to accept her condition and want help. These things normally do not better over time they just "snowball" into deeper emotions. I am new in this P.T.S.D. world and I cannot grasp what has been happening with my wife. maybe someone will add comments from her side of the brain scenario.

 

[Aelwen]

I'm new to all of this myself. I didn't even realize that her PTSD was affecting her so badly until a few months ago. Before then, I fully believed that everything was okay; I knew she was in pain sometimes, but I thought she was fighting through it. I thought would all work out eventually, so I waited. I held onto her because I had hope for her future, but she never did. While I waited, my life has slowly faded away too. The few friends I used to have gave up on me, even after my apologies for accidentally pushing them away while I tried to focus on Rachel. I just want to rebuild my life, but it's hard, because rebuilding my own life means tearing down the last shreds of my girlfriend's life.

I wish you luck with your wife, though, and I do hope that the two of you can work things out. I truly believe that a relationship can be successful if all involved are fighting for it.

 

[Never Give Up]

Best of Luck. Keep us posted. I hope you can see improvements soon with the behavior patterns. Just don't push her...that seems to reverse any built up trust. Just remember that it is not you that is her problem.

 

[Chris516]

I have stayed 'friends' with my online friend. From, the same sort of stance, as a married couple, in that, even when isolate/push away. I think she is isolating now. Because she isn't talking to me. But I know this will eventually change. It always has. So I just need to ride 'isolation' wave again.

 

[Never Give Up]

I live in the same house with my wife. We can go 3 weeks without speaking to each other. It is so important to have some communication. I know it must be tough for you.

 

[HimOrMe]

If people post on here looking for answers they should take the ones they don't like as well as the ones they do. I'm new here but I'm here for answers. Even the ones that hurt.

 

[SURVIVED THE WORST]

As I read the forum over and over there are posts in which I read Carers complaining about their situati...

I being a surviver I can sgrre that sometimes it may sound aeful but after analyzing the what if .and only if I ..it all comes to I played a big role in ehat I live for 10yrs .It took18 staples around my head, beat down for over a hr nonstip to fonally leave my ex husband .....I am in therapy and yes I also have PTSD learning to accept thing is the hardest part of wanting to feel normal...I am in control of myself today even if its in my own world as long as I have positive pore around me and feel safe is what make me thrive yo be a good mother to to my children. Today I can say I am a giod mother, im berrasesed to have tbought I was a mother when yet I expose my kids so mich violence. I grewe up seeing my father beat my mom so to me I can say it seem normal.. Well bo its nit ok ... Im so greatful DCFS came into my life and took my kids temparly die to the environment I exposed them too. I did all that was required to get my kids back. Today my daughters 18,15 are aware of ehat not to do and how to choose what right for self .....We need to know we all have choices sometimes them right choices seem hard or not something we are use too yet sometimes its the best safes way to do things ...

 

[Nicolette]

Bumping this up for all new supporters to read - seems timely :)

 

[grimalkin]

It took our marriage counselor calling his behavior "abuse" for me to finally accept that, yes, PTSD or not, abuse is still abuse. He's never hit me, but through everything, even knowing there was "something" but not having the name for it yet, there was that red flag saying "this is mental and emotional abuse."

It's really really hard to come to that conclusion, because, yes, I enabled it. And, to give the label "abuser" to someone who, I believe, genuinely loved (loves?) me, when claims to have tried not to be abusive. Sure, I tried to get him to see what he was doing, but I always backed down.

To be honest, I'm way too...forgiving? Passive? No, not passive, that's not quite right (anyone who knows me I'm not passive lol). Naive? Basically, I see the humanity in everyone. My mom was emotionally abusive, but she really had NO idea. Now, as an adult, I recognize the damage she did to me, but I also know HER past. She had no idea what she was doing. Ironically, in HER attempting to learn about mental illness, she's...making amends. She admits she was, if not abusive, too judgmental, and that is HUGE for her. And in all reality, I forgave her long ago.

So in my own marriage, I recognize the humanity and what led my husband to where he is. How was he supposed to know what love looks like? But, at the same time, I let him walk all over me, thinking that was the key to keeping the demon at bay. Nope, sure isn't. My own depression and anxiety contributed as well.

Finally hearing it called abuse really hurt him, and I know that. Probably to the point where he won't ever forgive me, at least not while he's "dealing" with his trauma, by shutting down. He can't even forgive me for a misunderstanding that triggered him.

Now that my depression and anxiety is in remission, I finally have the strength to say "This is not acceptable. This is abuse," actually mean it, and do what I need to protect myself. Can I forgive him? I already have. But he has to put forth effort as well, and realize that "I'm physically here" being the "best" he can do, at any given time, is just the start. I've seen what he can do, when he's capable of coherent thought, not tainted by amygdala demons. He's the one that needs to decide he wants more of the good, and try to start to heal the bad.

I thought love was enough. Love is not enough. And thanks for bumping this, I needed to read it. :)

 

[TheMinsterman]

Another very important bumped thread, Nicolette, and very relevant.

I think we often take a lot of what you can term abuse on the mistaken belief that it's "just the condition, they don't mean it." In the cold light of day though, how is that any different to "I made him angry, he doesn't really mean it" or "she told me not to do that, it's my fault." I have rapidly come to the realisation that PTSD isn't some trump card a person can use to get away with treating another person badly with absolutely no apology in sight.

For context here, I have OCD. It can affect my mood, when I am in full blown pure OCD mode, I can be grumpy, I can be a real arsehole, but I also identify that and isolate myself from people to prevent any chances for lashing out until I cool down. I actively prevent myself from being horrible, and if it is unavoidable and I am a real jerk, I apologise pretty quickly for it and take full responsibility.

I certainly don't try and pretend it's ok because I'm having a bad spell of OCD, that may explain my mood, but it doesn't exclude me from being responsible for my actions. I'd never hit anybody, but words can hurt just as much, if not more. They stick deep in your psyche, they circle around, they can cause real damage.

If you don't own up and apologise, you're being a coward and selfish, imho.

It doesn't have to be instantaneous, but you can't just expect a person to put up with it forever, and I think we often look past a lot of unacceptable behaviour in our "sufferers" because we love them, we see them as who they are when they aren't in a spiral and we want to believe they'll reappear, we just have to endure. We excuse so much because they "can't help it", but where is the motivation to change if we just allow ourselves to be their personal punching bag?

I 100% believe that my SO/ex-SO has used me to take out her frustrations on, everything seems to be my fault despite other people's behaviour causing the anger, I am this safe, soft, easy target because I will "put up with it."

I think we can all do that, and it isn't healthy for either side of the relationship.