Relationship It Takes More Than Love

[IvyMillie]

That's a good thought about what love is. Love is supposed to endure things that are hard. We do live in a throw away society. I think there is a difference if you are married, because you did make a commitment to a person. If you are just dating, and newly dating love can sometimes be a crush or infatuation. So it's a good thought, to think about what love is for you.

For instance, my husband does have PTSD and there are times it is very hard for me. However, I know that he loves me. He takes care of my financial needs, and he does nice things for me. Now these aren't maybe the typical things that people think love is defined as, but they are expressions and things I know he does to show he cares about me.

He is unable to be there emotionally for me--it's just something he can't do. He isn't even there mentally for me--as far as being open to have conversations and such. This is even more true when he is isolating himself. Sometimes he gets angry and upset, just out of the blue. If he was an ordinary person I would probably say I think his neglect of me is abusive. However, all his negative actions and reactions I can attribute to all I've learned about PTSD.

For many of us that have stayed married to a person with PTSD, we do love the person. It is hard and we need support, but we don't want to leave, we want the support and help so that we can stay in our marriage. So I'm super grateful for this site and all the information.

As I said initially those people that are dating--have an opportunity to find out before getting married, whether they can handle this or not. It does help them to see what are the things they really need from a relationship. For many of us that got married--we got married blind by the situation and had to learn and figure out how to cope over the years.

 

[Srain]

when my ex boyfriend punched me in the face and I looked into the mirror seeing the blood poor down my face and the black eye, while he was being oh so caring, I finally realised that I played a part in getting to this point. I then asked myself what I did to get there and I realised I had accepted things which let this man think he could treat me like shit and I had convinced myself that he loved me as he was nice some of the time. Never again.

((((((((((((((Nicolette)))))))))))))))
broken noses, cracked ribs, black eyes, chipped teeth...I saw the same face...I'm sick when I think about it, I'm sick when I think about what it took to get away...love?...it's not love..it's "mine mine mine"...love doesn't hurt, love doesn't break your face or damage your self esteem.
Love builds you up, makes you feel like you are somebody! You matter!

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[May1321]

As I reread through this I am soberly reminded of where I've been and where I stand. I obviously care more for someone than they do for me. If I stand my ground and say 'this is uncalled for' and their reaction is not "Oh, I'm out of line" and instead they tell me that I'm being 'ridiculous' or 'crazy' and hang up on me or break up with me then it just has to be over... they can't call back and start being sweet and sucking up and saying they miss me without either changing their ways or being willing to talk about it.

PTSD or not... the behaviour is disrespectful. I deserve better! Is there better? I honestly have no idea... but even just taking care of myself is better. I'm tired of complaining about the same thing over and over again and excusing it because he's having a rough go of it. If you love someone, you should always either A) make the effort to respect and validate them, or at least B) apologize for beign out of line.

I am heartbroken because I've put in the effort of what obviously is someone who doesn't find ME important enough to watch what they say or do.Though my sufferer is not physically abusive and we get along 80% of the time, he is only sweet maybe every 3 months and after almost a year of the back and forth :eek: The true PTSD I feel like I handle pretty well, it's just selfish and abusive side of him... the putting other people down constantly including me if I say something that touches a nerve. I know this may be his way of making himself feel like more of a person and he doesn't ever say it to their faces (except for mine), his self-esteem is extremely low and takes beatings if you say something even slightly insulting. In the end, we agree on almost everything except for how arguments are about things that SHOULD NEVER be arguments if you are in a loving relationship.

Someone told me that relationships are 90% timing and I think in this case, that is exactly it. He is a match in a lot of ways and he wants to get better, but I can't "love" him better and right now even standing my ground is not sinking in to him... he doesn't understand how relationships are SUPPOSED to work. That isn't PTSD, that's upbringing. It's sad... I do love him... but Love is not enough and I have to love myself more and accept that the longer I stay, the more abusive he's going to be even if he doesn't believe it's abuse - because DUH! I'm staying so it must not be that bad... Oye!

 

[Jason111]

To support abusive behavior from someone suffering from PTSD is to enable their behavior. Enabling is contrary to healthy recovery from trauma. All trauma specialists that I've read, suggest that the sufferer of PTSD must find their own autonomy. Since the trauma (or multiple traumas) shook the foundation of trust (of human love & community) to the ground, the sufferer must, with the help of loved ones and good therapists, rebuild that foundation so they are able to love and feel connected to others.

Lovers of those with PTSD can be a powerful force in the recovery process, but it seems that we must be able to walk away and strongly demarcate limits when abuse is present - whether that abuse is a flash in the pan or has become more cyclical and habitual.

I am currently trying to sort out for myself my own limits in regards to dating a woman with PTSD. It is crippling for her and will end our relationship if she is not able to reach out further to me and is not able to enter fully into recovery with her therapist. It is sad, but it may be necessary for me to end it. I know that I will go on and will pray for her recovery.

We all know our own limits, we have to know what we are able to handle, no one can tell us what those are but us.

We all know love is worth fighting for, but we have to be willing to appraise the cost.



"may all beings know limitless joy!"

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree Jason with everything you've said but I don't know if she'll ever be able to reach out to you, at least I'm not sure how realistic I can say I've found that to be with ptsd. Be honest with you, care for you, love you- but reaching out - that's a hard one.
Guess it depends on how that's defined.

But I wish you the best (and also) much joy.

 

[Jason111]

Junebug,

Yes, sadly, you may be right...my girlfriend is trying, but as I mentioned before, she has yet to go back to our therapist since we met almost 6 months ago (though as of this week she has an appointment).
I am remaining "hopelessly hopeful" as my Buddhist teacher has suggested to me in this situation.

She does reach out to me, but it appears that she doesn't have enough of a handle on her PTSD symptoms or have enough of a self awareness to relate her daily conflicts to symptoms of her PTSD. Then she has excuses for her behaviors, and denial and then resentment when i attempt to gently point out her behaviors when they are encroaching on my limits.

I know she is not yet a thriver, she is still a survivor....though, I am remaining hopeful that she will become a thriver, not for me, but for her and for her having a real life, filled with happiness and joy, not fear and anxiety.

As I mentioned above, only we can know our limits, only we can know when our love is not enough.
I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but know that it is a real possibility...


J

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Jason, I'm she can love you but herself- that's the hard part.

 

[Jason111]

Yes Jason, I'm she can love you but herself- that's the hard part.

I'm willing to stick it out awhile longer to see if that's possible. I'll know when it is too much, if it gets to that point.

Thank you for your helpful insights!

J

 

[Nicolette]

I am heartbroken because I've put in the effort of what obviously is someone who doesn't find ME important enough to watch what they say or do.

((Hugs May1321)).... you do deserve better and you are right that love is not always enough.

 

[pi314159]

I don't want to live in a world where love isn't enough. I wish it was enough!

 

[May1321]

All trauma specialists that I've read, suggest that the sufferer of PTSD must find their own autonomy

Then she has excuses for her behaviors, and denial and then resentment when i attempt to gently point out her behaviors when they are encroaching on my limits.

I know she is not yet a thriver, she is still a survivor....though, I am remaining hopeful that she will become a thriver, not for me, but for her and for her having a real life, filled with happiness and joy, not fear and anxiety.

Jason,

All of this makes so much sense. Thank you for such deeply thought and felt words. :)

 

[May1321]

I don't want to live in a world where love isn't enough. I wish it was enough!​

MEEEE TOOOO! :) After a few days of feeling low... I know that to doubt that it is not possible is not very representative of me. It has to exist! It just HAS to! At least, I will keep striving for such a world by living by example as best I can. :inlove:​