Relationship It Takes More Than Love

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Confused, sorry to read of your situation. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and if nescesary step back and do a little self care. If you don't it will only get worse.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[BlueSea]

Sorry to hear confused. Know what you meant about the emotional rollercoaster - I feel like a human yo-yo - up, down, all around.

 

[confused]

Just an update on my situation. I have backed off majorly since the beginning of March. I rarely call or text him, and when he calls me, I'm always upbeat, don't question him too much about what's happening , or why he acts distant. In fact, I never talk about "our relationship" any more.

This has resulted in him becoming much more consistent in calling, and suggesting we meet up. When we do meet up, I also act upbeat and happy to see him (which I genuinely am!!), however i never ask when I'll see him again.

He is still doing exposure therapy, and seems to be getting alot better. He can still be cold and snappy, but for the first time in months, he is beginning to make jokes, and at times be very warm and loving. He has even started holding my hand again!

Being patient is hard for me, but it's becoming easier to not take it so personally. I think he will find his way back to me when he is ready.

I think backing off, and placing very limited expectations on him has really helped.

Good luck everyone on your journey x

 

[Whitneys story]

Nicolette, I can relate to how you say it. The difference of personalities and past programming can be a fine line between life and death! Those who submit and choose to stay in abusive situations are only fooling themselves. Yes it is harsh but it is also truth. Those who choose to be coddled are usually the ones that whine the loudest and refuse to get out or prosecute. Then expecting the system to save them repeatedly. Love thyself!

 

[Nicolette]

Being patient is hard for me, but it's becoming easier to not take it so personally. I think he will find his way back to me when he is ready.

I think backing off, and placing very limited expectations on him has really helped.

Confused I would encourage you to read [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-hardest-thing-i-have-had-to-do.9102/[/DLMURL]

 

[confused]

Thanks Nicolette...I've just revisited the forum after a very hard fortnight, and your suggestion was timely.

Unfortunately my sufferer is not capable ( or doesn't want?) to actively participate in a relationship with me.

I must be a slow learner....I've tried so hard, but I have lost sooooo much weight, and continually feel anxious and insecure. It shouldn't be this hard.

He is still contacting me once a day or so, I guess to make sure I'm still available, but is not there when I need him. I don't think this is ptsd related. His decisions re our relationship have been deliberate, and considered.

Thank you all for your support, and I pray for happier outcomes for you all.

Over and out!! Take care xxxxx

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Confused, so sorry.

Please take the time to look after yourself, I know it's a cliche but it's a good one.

Wishing you courage and confidence, x

 

[jtrag]

Absolutely Excellent Thread! - After 9 years of being in a relationship with a sufferer (My Wife of 5 years now), we are just discovering that she may definitely suffer from PTSD, and it makes sense of everything that has been going on with her and between us, for the both of us. We both agree.

I have been reacting to her “episodes” and her lashing out at me, and other things she has said/done which I won’t get into atm, just like any other normal person would react, not knowing that the other person (in this case my wife), suffers from PTSD, and all I have been doing is making it worse :( I feel horrible, but neither of us knew she was suffering from PTSD up until recently when I talked to my cousin about her/her behaviour and all, and my cousin is an RN that works with PTSD Sufferers on a daily basis.she informed me that my wife sounds like she has PTSD, and isn’t a sociopath like I was thinking she may be (I seriously didn’t know what else to think and didn't know hardly anything about PTSD/how PTSD Manifests itself in so many different ways, and definitely didn't know she may possibly suffer from it :(I am so thankful my cousin talked to me about her, and pointed out PTSD as a possible cause of her actions/behaviour/etc…

My wife hasn’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I am willing to put money on it and she agrees. She has tests set up at the Psychiatrist soon. PTSD literally makes sense of everything that’s been going on for years and has been getting worse. Especially worse between her and I , because neither of us had any idea that she was suffering from PTSD and it went untreated and unrecognised for so long. Neither of us really, truly understood the reason behind it, and there was no apparent/logical explanation for any of it until now. We have done research and found this excellent community, as well as a great site/blog (Highly Recommended!) called: A Spouses Story PTSD, and looked at official/credible resources on the web, and we both agree, she most definitely suffers from PTSD, Disassociation, Personality Disorder/s, and maybe even Pathological Liar. I strongly feel that this all really just stems from the PTSD and the traumatic events that caused it. It’s a theory I have based on my 9 years of experience being with her and being there to experience the entire process/transformation since not even 1 year after the traumatic events took place.

I look forward to sharing our experience/s and helping others as much as possible :) Thanks for a great thread full of excellent posts/input/knowledge/feedback from both sufferers and supporters :)

 

[Never Give Up]

@jtrag - I feel your pain. Some of the symptoms you mentioned, I am also going through. My wife has not evaluated or diagnosed with P.T.S.D. yet, nor will I think she would agree to that. I am experiencing the dissociation part of it now. I just cannot understand the pulling away part after 21 years of marriage.
I am not in your shoes....but I would encourage you to never give up and understand that what your wife is experiencing has affected her mind and thinking. It may take time to heal and earn your trust again. Just don't give. I will be praying for you and your marriage.

 

[Aelwen]

I am so glad I found this thread! After reading everyone's stories, I feel a bit less guilty about being ready to move on from my relationship. My girlfriend is far from abusive, but our relationship is well past its expiration date. All the details (if you feel like reading an incredibly long post) can be found in this thread: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/girlfriend-with-ptsd-will-be-homeless-in-months.40400/

I've already come to terms with the end of our romantic relationship in my head, but I still can't quite bring myself to actually make it happen. I'm just not sure how to even bring up the conversation, nevermind actually navigating it. Right now I'm just kind of waiting for something to happen, even though I am well aware of the fact that nothing ever will until I make it. So how did anyone else find the courage and the words to actually end the failing relationship?

 

[Never Give Up]

@Aelwen - If you are dating I would think it could be easier to end your relationship versus a marriage. I would actually encourage you to hang on and remain loving and trusting to her. You can rediscover love again...but it will take 2 committed and it may take a long time for her to mend herself to allow that to happen. You must be frustrated like the rest of us in the fishbowl of a life. Hang in there.

 

[Aelwen]

I would love for that to be true, Never Give Up, but I'm just not sure that it's possible. I'm not confident in my own abilities to keep the relationship going without enabling her habit of hiding out from the world. She is completely dependent on me - financially and emotionally. I am only 20 years old, a college student with a minimum wage job. I'm just not at a point in my life where I can allow someone to depend on me the way Rachel does. She outright refuses to get a job because she gets panic attacks whenever she tries to take one step outside. She also refuses to try and move forward with her life. She has completely given up on herself, and she's starting to pull me down with her. Our relationship simply isn't healthy, and it will never be healthy until she gets to a point where she's willing to try. I'm the only one putting any effort towards anything at all anymore; Rachel's best efforts in any given day are just getting out of bed. She's already admitted to me that while she's too afraid of death to actually kill herself, she is basically just waiting for death to come to her.

There's absolutely nothing else I can do for her, is there? You can tell me to stand by her and keep fighting through, but is there a point when I'm the only one fighting? I would love to hear some advice about something I could actually physically do to help her, but after reading around the forums, I don't think that one magical action exists. I can't make her PTSD go away, that's something she has to do herself, and she refuses to try. I can't live my life when all of my energy is being sucked away, and Rachel will never attempt to move on until she realizes that people (myself, especially) will not always be around to take care of her and that she has to take care of herself. And I can say all of this just fine online with my written words, but I don't know how to make them come out of my mouth. I don't want to hurt her. I'm the last person she has left in the whole world - I don't want to be the one who abandons her and leaves her alone in the cold.