Relationship It's My Birthday.......

[Sunshine71]

In the grand scheme of things this does sound really silly.....

However its my birthday in just over a week.

I can hear hubby downstairs talking to his brother....

They are talking about meeting for a drink next week - Hubby saw his other friend 2 nights ago.

Last year was a special 40 birthday. He did nothing for me.

This year I have sorted out a day at a spa - for us both.

Do I expect too much? Why can he arrange things with friends and the camera club and nothing for me or us as a couple or as a family???

Thanks guys

Love Sunshine

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm with you there. Hubby doesn't do anything special, or even a card. I make sure we at least go out to dinner. I asked for a chocolate cake and bought everything but he made one that was so terrible I wished I hadn't bothered. :<

My sweet daughter made a card.

I never thought I deserved better. Next year, I'm plan my own birthday how I want it. If he doesn't care to participate or intiate, I'm leaving him out of it entirely.

 

[Srain]

I think your birthday should be special! I hope he rethinks this.

I do want to say "Happy Happy Birthday" in case I get caught up in my own nonsense.

 

[Tabitha]

I'm with you on that one too.

My birthday is next month and I'm dreading even attempting to make plans with her because I'm scared I get my hopes up just to be let down again.

My N spent a few days with a friend last week and they apparently had a blast together, I can't even get her to come to a movie or dinner or anything with me.

 

[amethist]

I hope it works out the way you are wishing for Sunshine. I hope the spa day works out well for you both.

Arranging things with friends away from his home life is so much easier, as it does not matter if things go a bit off key. But arranging things for you and as a family is that extra stress in the cup that is hard for them to manage.

Yes we know we all say they should be able to do it, but the stress of them getting it right, can sometimes cause them to get it wrong.

My 50th blew up in my face 4 years ago for many reasons, PTSD being one of them. Still waiting to celebrate it properly, but I will give it another couple of years before work that one out. :rolleyes:

 

[Sunshine71]

THANKS YOU so much for your wonder support and birthday wishes too.

I asked hubby how his brother was and he said "Oh we are going out for a drink next week in London"

He HATES going to London.

He has been a few times in the past 4 months and it has not been great - to the point of forgetting where he lived.

He flared up when I said "Oh ok"

I said that I would just like us to spend time together and that the morning after his night out is when I planned to go to the spa for us both to have a relaxing day together.

He replied that he hates mind games............???

Thanks all for being there..

Sunshine xxxx

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you- we wish it was our birthday, so we could party too! HEY! (lame, I know- but you can't exactly sing through type formats:speechless:)

Let me make a suggestion. It's probably dumb, but, let me at least try. My ex was a lot like your husband. When he got that way, and would say something like that, twisting around what I said to make it look like something that it was not (I was concerned, he thought it was games)- instead of letting your concern show or even if it has already shown and he says something like this just tell him from your heart- I am proud of you for being willing to get out there and go to London again as it has been so difficult for you in the past. This does two things, it points out your concern, and it praises him even though you are concerned. Yes, in essence, responding this way is actually a mind game (go figure)- but to someone who has PTSD the proud 'happy for you' version is less threatening than the criticism of a simple, concerned response of 'Oh ok.'
Then once you have praised him, say excitedly, Just do not forget that we are going to the spa and detox, relax, unwind- it will be the perfect treat for us both.

It is so hard to talk to someone with PTSD sometimes. I have been on both sides, so I know. I totally know. But this is how I usually need to be handled. Without judgment. And that is what that concerned response usually comes across as. Judgment and criticism.

Don't feel bad though- my husband never remembered my birthday at all. In fact, the last year we were married his mother called him to remind him that it was my birthday- after 10 years she figured out that he didn't even know when it was, and she decided to start reminding him. If he remembers your birthday, be thankful!

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much Simplekindofgirl!!

And you know....

I just went downstairs and did this.

Thank you.

He explained that his head just goes fuzzy and he doesnt know what to do for my birthday.

I said thats fine we can do something together and it doesnt need to be too much - a simple video and take away when our son goes to bed so we have some us time.

I said I am proud of him and of course want him to have a great time too.

He said he is sorry for being miserable - he is like it with everyone (not true though!) and he is sorry for being 'broken'

I said well we are being fixed and have so much going for us - I love you and want to be with you.

Thank you Simplekindofgirl - SUPER advice and words.

Love Sunshine xxx

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Yay! I am so glad that it helped. I think it is just so hard, this whole PTSD thing has us literally wired to receive information differently. What should come across as normal just does not anymore. I know for me, it is like this. I take that concern as criticism and judgment, even though it isn't intended to be so. And then I remember the days of being the supporter instead of the sufferer, and what I learned in that process and I remember, oh yeah- this is what they mean by it. (And then I face-palm myself.) But my knee jerk reaction is always like your husbands. I may not be able to recognize it though, if I had not even been a supporter. This has been a huge advantage in my own treatment and controlling symptoms as well as emotional responses.

I am so sorry that it isn't easier for you, or for him. But you did good- you opened up your own vulnerability and took the chance and explained yourself, and he received it well. That is most excellent! Hugs!!!!

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much and I do hope that this will help others too xxx

 

[Toria]

Hi Sunshine - it's mine tomorrow :) and I'm dreading it too :(

He mentioned a restaurant a couple of weeks ago but it was never booked so that will be a stresser when he rings them with 3 hours notice tomorrow to discover that it is fully booked :(:(:(

Present-wise... that's been another big stresser this week. I tried to help by turning various corners down on various catalogues and leaving them in various places :roflmao: but he seems to have got the idea of a laptop in his head. Don't get me wrong, that would be lovely... BUT we always said that when we got one we would buy it through his business (you can claim tax & vat back so it makes sense - plus it doesn't come oout of his pocket - well not directly) but for some reason he has latched on to this and keeps bringing bits of paper home about Dells and Sonys - the Sony was purple and shiny and oh so lovely... :inlove: but we cannot afford it. But I am at a complete loss as to how to say any of this to him without offending him. Like I say, it is a lovely idea, but not a good one!!!

I did try last night, he gave me a Dell catalogue and I gave him a Boden catalogue!!! He flicked through, looked at the corners I'd turned down and gave it back to me saying "I'm a bit skint this month" :eek: Any you want to buy a laptop???!!!

I hope you have a lovely Birthday and a very lovely spa day!!! x

 

[Sunshine71]

Another Aquarian!!

I hope that you do enjoy your birthday Toria......... and funny enough hubby this end is going ON AND ON AND ON about getting an IPAD2 - Where the F is the money coming from???!!!

He even said that it would be good for MY birthday pressie - so really really are alike!!

I wonder if its a boys toys thing - and sadly enhanced by PTSD???? I mentioned before that hubby loves to shop......

Oh well - I do hope that you get a table and enjoy your day. :):):):)

Sunshine xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx