Relationship It's Over, A Big Thank You X

[Newtoptsd]

Going thru the exact same thing. Ended yesterday. Thought he could handle us, can't. Having panic attac...

I feel as though what you wrote above was my words .... I did try to move on for one day and then he ended up leaning on me the day after he went out drinking and now I'm back to being confused and I don't know what to do from now on.

How long have you been dating your sufferer? I know it's a terrible situation but I do feel better knowing I'm not alone in this. I don't know if the holidays are having an impact on his emotions/stress at the moment?

 

[WhyAnon]

I feel as though what you wrote above was my words .... I did try to move on for one day and then he...

We've tried dating twice. Both times at the one month mark he went running. Said he hates himself. He can't bring people into what's going on in his head. He just wants to be alone forever. I have a book about emotional unavailability and what causes it. Fear, irrational thoughts, whatever. I'm going to send it to him to see if it resonates.

The fact that when he was drinking he was so open, so affectionate, telling me he wasn't going anywhere, was going to make us work, we'd be so good together... Coupled with the fact that intimacy gives him physical panic attacks doesn't make me think he's someone who DOESN'T want a relationship but is just terrified and can't work through it.

 

[Buttercup]

@Newtoptsd and @WhyAnon I wanted to share this thread with you - The Line Between Codependency, Support And Friendship. and anyone else here who can relate.

It's over three years old, and I wish I could respond to it, but read mixtapeheartache's posts. They really resonate with me. How we are told to be with a PTSD sufferer and how it differs from how we "should" behave in a non-PTSD relationship and how it's so hard for us to determine what to do.

I think I will post it elsewhere too.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@WhyAnon Mine has never promised me anything, from day one he said he doesn't get close to people, that he can never be my boyfriend yet he has allowed himself to get close to me. So close I am his go to for support when he drinks and the after affects take hold and he has panic attacks and cries! I guess I shouldn't have let myself get this far into it, I did however make the choice to do some research after 4 weeks in, I have read three books to date and counting and I need to re-read them in order for it to all sink in properly.

My other issue is that I would prefer for him to turn around and tell me not to contact him and that he needs me out of his life, but he does not do this ... he tells me that's not what he wants and that's not what he's saying! This is where my issues lie, I aim to be there for him as and when he needs someone but always a part of me will think that maybe maybe one day he may realize I ain't going anywhere and he might finally say he is ready to give it a go, but then part of me knows this will not be the case.

He also as much as he would hate to admit this has jealousy issues but would prefer to pass this off in a jokey way as I do with him. He often says, you were on a date last night or you had a boy round last night, or he would ask who I'm messaging etc. Although we both say these things in a light hearted jokey way there is definitely underlying jealous/insecurity with both of us. If he wanted me to find someone I supposedly deserve and not miss out on the opportunity to date a 'lovely' boy as he often says, then why these comments?

Sorry I'm rambling again.

@tlc Gosh this post really does resonate with me as well, unfortunately we will never have the answers, no one knows and no one will know what our sufferers are thinking or what we are to them or will be to them in the future.

If there are any sufferers out there who can help in terms of what you think when new people enter your lives in a friendship or relationship sense then any advice/insight would be helpful today. My sufferer says he never get's close to people anymore, but as much as he wouldn't admit it, he has let me in and we are indeed very close. I don't want him to think I would ever abandon him or run away when the going gets really tough yet I don't want to suffocate him or ask too much?

 

[dulcia]

The problem is he keeps kissing me and I've just seen some messages from an Amy on his phone, sounds...

Reread your original post. You already know what to do ;)

 

[Newtoptsd]

@tiredtexan

Can you spell it out for me? Haha I need someone to tell me so it kicks me up the backside as I'm not listening to myself rationally at the moment!!

 

[dulcia]

@tiredtexan

Can you spell it out for me? Haha I need someone to tell me so it ki...

I do the back and forth thing you're doing here a lot. I don't know how to deal with it. With that being said, I've recently started thinking about literally turning off my emotions. I mean I actually picture a switch that I am flipping to turn off my emotions and rely solely on cognition (the whole thing came from a tv show but hey whatever works lol) when I know that I'm getting caught up in the PTSD roller coaster or getting overwhelmed in my own head. I flip the switch in my head and then I concentrate on relaxing each one of my muscles. After that I feel like I can talk to myself more rationally. I don't know -- it's so specific and so weird but it's working for me right now so I thought I'd share.

You have to remember what it feels like to be without him. Because you would be fine without him, just like he would be fine without you. Forget star crossed lovers, meant to be, our paths aligned crap -- you would live if he was not in your life anymore. My favorite quote that reiterates this is: "Remember that guy you thought you couldn't live without? Well look at you living and sh*t." Have a little faith in yourself. This is about you now, not him. You did the him thing already and it didn't change anything. Now it's your turn to look out for you.

 

[Buttercup]

where are things today @Newtoptsd?

 

[Newtoptsd]

@tiredtexan

Yeah I do sometimes just talk to myself and breathe and just switch off, usually helps to keep myself busy! The thing is I haven't ever been in a serious relationship so in terms of being independent .... I am the height of independence my friends would say. I have never needed or particularly wanted to have someone in my life, my sufferer just sorted or came into my life and now I'm dealing with these emotions myself which I'm not entirely familiar with. There have been guys I have liked and dabbled with the idea of, but non that I have wanted as much as this lovely guy.

I guess it's a pretty shit time right now with Christmas and New Year so I just need to let him be and crack on with me, I will give him a ring on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve just to check in but aside from that I need to just do me like you said.

 

[Newtoptsd]

where are things today @Newtoptsd?

@tlc

Currently broken-up .... going through the stage of not knowing whether this is it or not. I did the whole looking after him thing at the weekend and then Sunday Eve he said we were still broken-up and he's sorry for leaning on me when he said he didn't want a relationship etc. Haven't spoken since then, sent him something funny on Monday and he responded. Now I'm in the stage of when and should I reach out in the near future?

How does the nature of your break-ups work with your SO? I'm concentrating on me and keeping busy so that's good and then I'm going back to my familys for a week at Christmas so I won't be around which is again probably a good thing!

I just miss him.

 

[Buttercup]

@tlc

Currently broken-up .... going through the stage of not knowing whether thi...

I know that feeling of missing him and what you're going through very well!

I think so far you're doing the right thing. Stay away for you and your relationship. I personally would say no contact at all for a couple of weeks. Or however long it takes you to figure out what you're willing to handle in your life.

Then I would reach out with the supportive type texts to let him know you're there for him if you decide that'sounds what you want. Maybe in this time apart you can also decide on your boundaries. Like you're there to support him but in what capacity? Are you there for him when he's hungover, or is that off limits? Stuff like that.

I am currently in an off phase with my vet. I have been going through some rough things with family the last couple of months and started getting very emotional and insecure and that's when he puts on the brakes.

I decided to take at least 3 weeks to work through my crap and not contact him at all. This is very unusual for me as I text him a lot. Even during shut outs. But I need it for me. I actually kind of had this very empathetic feeling last night about how much stress it puts on him to have me all worried and anxious on him and I feel badly about it. He really is a good and sensitive guy and needs extra care. So if he and I do move forward, I need to come up with strategies for this and my emotions.

That is another thing for you to consider...you will have times in your life when things are hard and you need support and usually that's what we look for in our mates. Will you be ok that he may not be able to support you in your tines of need?

In any case, it sounds like he really needs to get more of a handle on his illness. Did you say he's in treatment?

 

[Buttercup]

Forgot to add...the nature of our break ups usually have to do with him shutting me out for several weeks. It takes him a long time to process and cool off and I guess also decide if he wants to get back with me. During these times I text a lot. The last time I realized I needed to stop being emotional for the both of us and just text the friendly and funny stuff and let him know I care and i'm here for him. I know he really likes it even if he doesn't respond.