Ive Got News For You Theres Nothing New.

[The Albatross]

Yup, people do not like change in the static quo and particularly familiarly, roles seem to be "forever" yet are not in other types of relationships.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

It is a tough thing to break out of those roles. At first I got really angry. Really really angry. And I hated everyone.

Then being around them was so hard, because I would always get pulled back into the role. I had tho distance myself from them. I move to a different country fit a while. Then I moved another country away. Then I moved back but still was easily influenced by them. Now I live two big Canadian provinces away. And I'm getting more stable in who I am when I'm around them.

It's like being an addict who needs to avoid the places where the drugs are. Distance has been very good for me.

I also cocooned myself. Meaning I gave myself permission to hide in my little space (my home, my yard, local stores, only people who don't trigger me). This has been so healing. It's like being in ICU until I'm stable enough in my personality to come out.

I'm still healing. But I have so much more peace while I'm doing it.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate about the distance angle... I am far and away less resistant to relocation than I was.

 

[IamFree]

Yes for me the way I have been changing big time is around setting boundaries and asserting my wants and needs..one family member reacted quite aggressively to me setting a boundary. yes familys can be very tyrannical.

 

[The Albatross]

I guess the issue for me is the discrepancy, actualizing the person I want to be - loving/caring/good-just-fair/involved... with the reality of the dysfunction which has been significant for a very long time. I have to give myself permission I think to actualize it independent perhaps of family bond/connections rather than keep getting sent back to the very same self harming pattern?

 

[Gs172003]

The question I ask myself during these times is . Who is my family then.

I have said this before. Sometimes you have to pick your "family". Blood relatives don't always work out but friends can.

 

[The Albatross]

Friends personally are very helpful yes... but they lack the depth oftentimes of what I "feel" (and you all know I hate that word and am using it anyways) I need... which is the breadcrumb trail back to my "authentic self"/who I was before the traumas... which for me was very young as I have no concept of before. Friends can do a lot, but they can't do that.

 

[The Albatross]

Said I wouldn't take over your thread Terry, so I will stop/withdraw and read.

 

[The Albatross]

Terry said "Who is my family then?" I'm gonna think on this today. I expect that it is reasonable to move forward rather than be locked in to a schema/role for dysfunction. It is rational though I am not hardwired to readily receive it? Maybe I/we need to re-examine/redefine the concept of "family" and perhaps prepare ourselves for the risks/potential pitfalls/or responsibility of self directed living?

Inquiring minds want to know though... do normal people have to do/choose at any point in their lives as well? That could potentially be a comforting thing to know.

 

[Friday]

I come from a really amazing family. Good people. Whole lotta love. Both ways. I love my family, my family loves me.

That said, am I friends with most people in my family? Nope.
When I spend time with them, is it friction free? Nope.
Do I like everyone in my family? Nope.
Does everyone in my family like me? Nope.
Does my family drive me crazy? Absolutely.

Just because there's no abuse, and a lot of love, doesn't mean that we actually get on. Doesn't mean that we all like each other. Doesn't mean that boundaries aren't crossed -on accident, or very deliberately- or that we respect each other, or even share the same idea on what respect entails. Doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot of family politicking. Doesn't mean that we share interests, values, ideals, or any of the other foundations of friendship.

 

[IamFree]

I come from a really amazing family. Good people. Whole lotta love. Both ways. I love my family, my fami...

Yes indeed i am well aware all familys have problems even ones which are not nessacarily abusive...and there are various degrees of dysfunctionality. Trust me when I say Mine is high end dysfucnctional..being threataned with physical violence last year was the last straw for me.My neices and nephews have disapeared into the care system because sister was to busy with drugs and men...I try hard to feel commpassionate for her she only does what she does out of her pain. But I feel angry and full of greif to because who knows if i will ever see them again. I am committed now to living my life away from them .I am not a super hero or a saint I am just a wounded person trying to pull together some resemblance of a respectful life.I suffer terrible surivor guilt feeling like i want to save or rescue them..but you know what I was the youngest child I was the baby i needed them to rescue me. Everyone who was older than me put them selfs first..and now I feel bad for trying to do just that..i say no more because they left me a long time before i left them.

 

[IamFree]

Said I wouldn't take over your thread Terry, so I will stop/withdraw and read.

Thats ok we need all the support we can find in this business I do not begrudge it.