Just Discovered Potential Sexual Abuse As Child?

[missmary]

I am in therapy for PTSD because of child abuse growing up. I have an eating disorder, numbness to feelings, an incessant need to be in control and obsessive personality disorder.

I told my therapist last night about a memory I recovered when I very young. It was sexually based and took me a LONG time to finally be able to tell him. After telling him the memory and being so embarrassed and ashamed, he mentioned that he had been suspicious of whether or not I was sexually abused in some way at a young age, and this memory solidifies that concern. He told me that my behaviors line-up exactly with someone who has suffered sexual trauma as a child. He said that at the age I was when this happened (6 or7, 8 or 9?) I would not have known about the things I described unless someone taught them to me or I witnessed it. (simulated oral sex/voyeurism). This makes him think that somewhere in my early childhood I suffered sexual abuse.

I can't remember. I don't know. There's always been a tiny part in me that suspected it too but I figured it was just part of the physical abuse. Maybe it wasn't? And what do I do with this potentially new information? I had nightmares all last night about it and I can't remember what they were. I just know I was up and frightened half to death most of the night.

Does this sound like dissociation? Or is this in my head? Is it possible that sexual abuse never happened and I was just a very sexually charged child, naturally? I'm swimming in a cloud of what-ifs and confusion. Thoughts?

 

[Zef]

Hi missmary,
I think what you are going through regarding questioning what is real is something a lot of us go through. I'm not a therapist and don't want to give bad advice, but I'll share what I did.

When my first memory came I had lots of doubts about whether it was a real memory. Basically, I decided to just keep my mind open to both sides until further evidence appeared. I think it was important for me not to try to force myself to decide right away if it really happened. I didn't have enough information at the time.

Hoping this made sense. . .don't think I worded it very well. This IS a tough thing to go through. just try to take care of yourself the best you can.

 

[Red Feather]

I might be in the process of remembering things. But I also don't know for sure. I don't want to trick myself into thinking it was true or not. But I know it would explain so many things. That makes sense to me Zef. I am also trying to remain open, and at the same I'm terrified.

 

[Zef]

I guess I should have said open, but skeptical, mind. But skeptical of both sides. It is terrifying and confusing and, I don't know, made me feel lost and questioning all my reality, not just the memory.

 

[missmary]

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate the insight and just knowing others are dealing with something similar is helpful. I guess I'm confused about whether or not I try to accept this as yes this probably happened or brush it off and say there is no memory so no it did not- or how I should be approaching this. I definitely can't just sit in it. It's really bothering me. I am trying to be open minded, and skeptical Zef- is probably the better way to see it, but I can't help but feel like that leaves me lingering. Will this resolve at all? I hate that this is happening...

 

[Zef]

It does leave you lingering, but if you can find a way to make that OK for now, it might help.

One thing that I did, that you should probably talk to your therapist first before doing, is I just started doing some research online about both sides of the issue. There is definitely some argument going on between some researchers and a lot of the people who actually work with people and it can be difficult to find a neutral viewpoint out there.

By looking at both sides, then applying it to my particular situation, I was able to reduce my confusion a bit. I followed it up by asking questions of my therapists.

 

[missmary]

Thanks, Zef! That might help!