Just found out my husband committed financial infidelity

[Freida]

Yes - he made some pretty major mistakes. But he is owning them. He is admitting he did it, admitting why he did it, and trying to make you understand that he is in crisis. Marriage counseling is a great idea -- because ptsd sometimes blocks us from seeing other people's pain.

If you truly believe that you should kick him to the curb for this --- then that is your option. Its not a bad one or a good one. But it is your option.

But before you do - ask yourself what lengths you would go to protect someone you love when you were ashamed of something you had done. You husband lied out of shame. think about that for a sec. He lied out of shames. Now he has to face the consequences like so many of us do every single day.

I don't know about you but I lie my ass off every damn day because I am so ashamed. I lie about having PTSD and I lie about what caused it. I lie to my husband, my family, my friends. Pretty much the only people I don't lie to --- because of shame -- are the counselors I see. The shame overwhelms me to the point that I think it is normal. And sometimes it makes me make huge mistakes in my life. Then my loved ones have a choice to make. Are they going to leave me because shame drove me to do something wrong? When I admit it and take responsibility for it are they going to kick me to the curb anyway because it becomes all about how I betrayed them and not about the pain that drove me to it? Or are they going to sit me down and help me make a plan on how to fix what I've done and how to prevent it from happening again. Will they actually accept that I was in so much pain I made a huge mistake? Or will they abandon me because they can't get past making it about them?

 

[EveHarrington]

Wow, just ignore my other replies.

30K in debt?!? Is it your debt too? (I’m assuming so.)

Finances are a HUGE trigger for me. I’d probably be at the point of bloodshed if someone did this to me.

 

[joeylittle]

I depend on him too much and this is pressure and he takes care of me too much and disregards the strength that I do show.

I just wanted to go back to this, because it's both incredibly clear, and something that the both of you can work on - at least, by being aware of it.

The real-time crisis of the debt is definitely also something that's going to need teamwork to solve. It's hard to separate emotion from it - financial stress is a major, major stressor. But as much as you can, my advice would be to accept it as a problem that needs addressing, and it's not going to be solved overnight. Try and not mix it together with the day to day, going forward, of the relationship stuff.

And, if you are insured (sounds like), Id try and get to a marriage counselor to work on communication as a fairly high priority. You'll need it in order to work through the logistics of the debt reduction, and you'll also need it in order to stabilize the relationship.

Good job calling the crisis line for support. While you might be limited in other supports right now, that's always a good one. You can also look up the NAMI chapter in your area (www.nami.org) to see if they have any support groups that you think might help you widen that support structure around yourself.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, thanks @joeylittle for that advice. My husband is starting a new job and will be looking into his benefits which we will use for marriage therapy.
We are problem solving the debt one day at a time. I am being extremely hypervigilient about this now which is an issue.
My husband has been struggling with some depression, codependency issues and immense stress.
I have been struggling with severe protracted psych med withdrawal for 5 years after having a baby (and he never wanted a second child). And also PTSD.
It has been debilitating. We were managing but after a while he just cracked racking up the credit card debt trying to take care of me.
Codependency issues. He could not say no to me. This is an issue. I was spending money I thought we had. He was keeping up an illusion to get me through benzo withdrawal hell.
The ironic thing is that I had to take klonopin last night to get a break from my brain and it did not really work. I have only been getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I will be pulling my DBT skills out big time and also sharing them with my husband.
The good news:
1. He is no longer suffering in silence.
2. These problems are out in the open. We can resolve them now and maybe our marriage might be stronger (if I can trust him again).
3. We have solutions that we ironed out such as getting us in to marriage therapy and then individual therapy for him. We are going to make sure he is getting nutritional support for depression and possible look at meds. His actual depression he thinks is mild but combined with all the stress he did something crazy. We will see how these interventions will help and then we may or may not move to drugs.
4. He has been honest and has taken responsibility.

The bad news:
I don't know if I can afford my out of network T. Plus therapy for him (and us). Two therapists. We need to get going on the debt ASAP. The cc is maxed out at a very high amount. I have been in a constant state of panic. I am terrified of needing to go back in klonopin. He helped me get off of klonopin through a false depiction of reality.
He made everything ok when it was not.
While I understand logically why this occured it feels like the rug has been swept out from under my feet and everything that brought me comfort has been a lie. Yes I know a lot of cognitive distortions there.
I am seeing my T and I cannot really afford her. There is a chance with his new job, but I don't know. Giving her up right now and getting a new T seems too much.
I should use insurance for my T, I know.
I am stilling seeing her just until I get settled and can sleep.
I am terrified of the debt he racked up. I am full of insecurity.
I am shocked and confused and feel like I am in a nightmare.

 

[Suzetig]

There's a world of difference between using up 5k of savings (which is what your OP said) and running up 30k of debt, the first still has you living within your means and doesn't put security, housing etc at risk while the second certainly does. If you're dealing with the second scenario your reaction feels a bit less extreme in that I know I'd feel extremely panicked to suddenly learn about 30k of debt when I thought things were going ok.

I don't know how the insurance system works but is there any way your T would accept your insurance or accept being paid their out of network rate? I can imagine thinking of changing now feels impossible. Try to pick one or two things to work on e.g. The debt and stabilising your own mood rather than trying to sort everything at once, you run the risk of becoming overwhelmed.

There are some very good finance websites out there which can help you work out the best way to tackle the debt, try googling money saving expert, it's a uk based site but their forums have folk who have successfully dealt with significant levels of debt.

 

[scout86]

I don't know how the insurance system works but is there any way your T would accept your insurance

I don't know if this will work in your situation or not, but, when my insurance changed, my T actually got himself into the network he needed to be in so I could keep seeing him. I'm sure that's not always possible, but sometimes it is. (He's in practice by himself, so that removes one level of possible complication.)

 

[Scarlet13]

My response is extreme matching this extreme situation.
But I am using skills and coping thoughts to try to take care of myself so I can hopefully heal.
I have to take stock of this situation.
How bad is it? Really looking at that. Then practicing radical acceptance and most likely turn the mind.
Looking at the good. Its not a completely desolate situation. There are things we can work with.
He just got a job in which he doubled his salary. We also have family support (from his side).
I might not have to give up my T. Maybe reduce the sessions. Maybe take a little break while I am doing couples work. It does not have to be all or nothing. Maybe look into a new T but not right now because that us too much.
It is hard because we both have issues.

 

[LuckiLee]

5k vs. 30k. Big difference. I'd be livid too. Lying for years about finances. That's messed up!

My guy would be at the curb. But we're not married. I feel for you. I was all forgiving of your guy in the first post until I heard $30K.
That's crazy!

Best of luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

Don’t go back on the Klonopin. You’d just be making things worse. Hugs.

 

[joeylittle]

But I am using skills and coping thoughts to try to take care of myself so I can hopefully heal.
I have to take stock of this situation.
How bad is it? Really looking at that. Then practicing radical acceptance and most likely turn the mind.

You're doing great. This is exactly right.

Something I learned about radical acceptance...it's not a one-shot thing. You're going to find you need to apply it to the same things a number of times before your mind finally starts to really grasp what you are telling it to do (if that makes sense). So, think of 'radical acceptance and turn the mind' as the sort of 'rinse, repeat' of cognitive work.

I might not have to give up my T. Maybe reduce the sessions. Maybe take a little break while I am doing couples work. It does not have to be all or nothing. Maybe look into a new T but not right now because that us too much.

This is excellent thought-balancing, truly. Your therapist might also have some good recommendations of Ts who do couples work. If you like a therapist, odds are good that you will like their colleagues as well.

 

[Scarlet13]

So technically speaking it was 18,000 on our credit card (originally mine.)
And then the 5 k in savings.
There was an 8,000 dollar bill he thought he took care of.
The other debt I knew about.
This is really, really bad.
There was a lot of lying.
He was giving and giving to me to keep me alive supposedly because I was so suicidal so often so he felt he could not say no. Felt he had to lie. Also he had to keep saying yes to cover his tracks.
None of this right. These are all cognitive distortions.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so sorry @Scarlet13. This is the last thing you needed in your stress cup! You're doing all the right things.

Deep breaths. XO