Just So Tired Of Trying And Feeling So Bad (possible Triggers?)

[Storm-ridden]

I don't even know where to start. So anxious all the time, and then frustrated and depressed because of it. I recently started taking Zoloft, and was on a really low dose. About a week or so later, I started having more thoughts of self injury and suicidal thoughts. I had this before with another antidepressant (Cymbalta, I think) and had to stop that. My doc was very clear if it happened again, to discontinue taking Zoloft. I stopped it a few days ago, and just really feel like crap now. Depressed, anxious, feel like I can't function. The urge to cut myself or follow through on my suicidal thoughts are getting stronger instead of fading, and I'm not sure I have the strength to ignore them.

What really makes this worse, is that I tried some holistic stuff to help with the anxiety, and it seemed to work. I was doing great at work, and feeling okish, and then Bam! Even taking my dog out was hard work. So discouraged and depressed with this!! I was getting my life back together!!! It seemed like I was on the right track and things were going to be, if not okay, at least tolerable again. I have an appointment to look at going back to college tomorrow, and I have a bunch of stuff going on at church that I'm responsible for. Now I feel like its all getting out of reach again and I just want to lay down and die. Feel like I'm letting so many people down. How long before people get tired of me being okay, then not okay and needing help??? Just so done with this... What do I do now...

 

[TimeToHeal]

@Storm-ridden, so sorry you are struggling right now. First, have you called your Dr to tell him/her about your returning/worsening depression, SI, urges to self harm, and that you have adopted taking the Zoloft? They may have some suggestions or offer a new plan of action. Either way, they need to know what is going on.

I totally *get* the back and forth Roger coaster of feeling a little better and a little more stable, and then wham, back to a low point. I know, it totally sucks! (For lack of a better word!) Try to remember that you made it through this the last time you felt this way, and you CAN and WILL make it through this time.

Are you also seeing a therapist? If so, now would be the time to reach out and let them offer some support. If not, please consider seeking out a trained trauma therapist. I've seen many, many therapists over the years but none have understood or been as helpful and on-track as my current therapist - my first actual trauma therapist.

On another note -- I too, struggle with self injury/self harm, so I totally *get* the urges you mention here. Just wanted you to know you're not alone with that. :)

One more thing -- it's really not about other people getting tired of you being okay then not okay and needing help. It's not about them, it's about you and your safety and well-being! And it's the difficult and painful reality of PTSD -- we have ups and downs, some times are more difficult than others. It often takes time, and trial and error to find the right antidepressant for you. And most, if not all of them, take a good 4-6 weeks to start working. So don't give up on finding one that works for you!

Keep reaching out - we are here for you and you will find people who understand. I've only been on the forum a short time but have found it so helpful and everyone has been welcoming and supportive! :)

 

[Storm-ridden]

I haven't called my doctor yet- they are open usually when I'm at work and I"m not thrilled with leaving a message about this. I have tomorrow off, so I'm going to call tomorrow. Unfortunately, in the med department we're about out of ideas. I've been on literally almost everything under the sun, and either it doesn't work or I get bad side-effects. This was the second time on Zoloft, actually. They just don't know what to do with me. :banghead:

I do have a therapist, but she's now on vacation. Ugh. I can call her, and probably will. Just.. I don't know what more can be said or done, really. I'm trying hard to remember it gets better, but its so easy to think about when the next trip down the roller coaster will be after I go up. Frustrating, isn't it?

I had a bout of crying, then was able to get up and do a small work out. I'm calmer now, and kinda zoning in and out. I'm bringing my dog to church today (I trained him to help with my anxiety and be my service dog- he's a big help sometimes). I have a meeting I have to go to directly after church, and I"m giving someone else a ride, otherwise I probably would skip today. It helps to do normal things thought, right? So I'm trying to keep doing my usual.

So far refraining from hurting myself, though not easy. Thanks for sharing your struggles, @TimeToHeal - it helps knowing I'm not alone. :) As for what others think- I just feel bad about making them care for me. I'm the type of person that likes to take care of others and help them, not vice versa. Frustrating. I'm trying though.

 

[greenleaf]

It often does help to do normal things! I'm glad you're trying to keep doing your usual. Also, if the Zoloft had a bad effect on you, perhaps you will feel somewhat better in a few days? Does exercise with your dog help?

Also, doing more is not all-or-nothing, and a learning process. Definitely long-term but worth it, I'm very glad you are trying.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@Storm-ridden, I'm the same way -- it's my nature to care for others, and feels very foreign to have others care for me. But, that doesn't mean you don't deserve it and, at times, need it. You are worthy of their care and concern!

I think it does help to keep up with your usual routine. I sometimes refer to it as, "doing the do." (Not sure what therapist said that to me, but it seems to have stuck!)

Hang in there! :)