Keep Trying? Or Just Let It Burn?

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

I real really really messed up BIG this time :( Without boring everyone or getting into too much detail, I will try and just keep this short and straight to the point. Like everyone else on here, I too, am going through a lot...I would even go as far as saying maybe even too much.

I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD, met and married my best friend, lucky enough to gain a wonderful stepdaughter and blessed with a beautiful baby.

Two months ago, I underwent spinal surgery.... Which incidentally, time leading up to surgery date was extremely difficult for not only me, but my family too. I'm talking extreme PTSD symptoms! However, my best friend, my wife, my partner CEO, stayed by my side unconditionally, metaphorically, she somehow always managed to pick herself up from canvas of the octagon...My stepdaughter too :( Both of them were always in my corner, motivating me, inspiring me, never allowing me to quit, nor them throwing in the towel either...Through all the numerous name calling, hurting feelings, many proposed divorce threats and constantly being belittled, she stayed by my side and kept my head afloat.

After my surgery, we were all just finally getting along...It was like my PTSD had vanished!
I was finally back to normal, enjoying married life, being in a loving argument and problem n stress free world!!

All of a sudden a couple of weeks later, I started experiencing excruciating pain that would disable me from moving my leg and back causing me to pass out. I had no choice but to start taking my narcotic pain medication, which I must add, I am extremely paranoid and afraid of taking any medication, based on a previous bad experience that caused me a relationship and incarceration...Which I fully disclosed all my concerns to my wife.Now 2 days in on the dreadful meds, I can start feeling myself changing for the worse, so I explain to my wife that I want to go stay by my moms.

After a long and stressful and painful day, coming back home after driving my stepdaughter to her dads, I immediately start packing a bag to go over to my moms and tell my wife that I'm going......Next thing I realize, I'm sitting in my truck, freezing and barefoot? I ended up getting few charges of mischief and uttering threats and conditions now to stay away from the house and my family. As well the intervention of Children's Aid involved too....

I have no animosity or hatred or any malicious feelings or intentions towards my wife or police or children's aid. After all...I'm the one that created this mess.

I will say this, I really really really hate myself and regret taking meds, I should have just have endured the pain and this way nobody gets hurt but me. I don't know what to do or what to think where to start or where all will end up. I don't care about what happens to me, but really worried and upset about the predicament I put everyone else into.I even asked the police if I can just stay in jail until this is all over as well.... They won't let me. I even tried to do little misdemeanors to try to go in, they didn't even want to charge me?

I feel so lost, lonely, sad, and hurt....... Not for only for me, but for them too :(

Unfortunately, now, after being forced away from her I ONLY NOW, realize how much I was never mentally nor emotionally there for them in their time of need, which incidentally was always as a result of me. I genuinely really do care about and love them and miss them soooooooo much.

I really wish that I can just look at my wife and my stepdaughter, wrap my arms around them with their heads buried into my shoulder and tell them everything's going to be alright while we all shed our tears of grief in support of each other.


I just wanna go back home :(

 

[Badger]

I take it there are parts of this whole episode you have no memory of? Has anyone told you what happenned during that time? Because its hard to say anything helpful here without understanding why they threw you out. Presumably it is not because you were going to stay at your mothers? Do you know why the blanks in your memory exist? Was it drug or stress related?

 

[franciemarnie]

There is a pain medication that is just as effective as those with a morphine base that does not effect you mentally. You will not get that high feeling that leads to trouble. I don't know why doctors don't prescribe that instead of Hydrocodone, etc., which is so horribly addicting. I was addicted to it for years. If you want to take something for pain that keeps you feeling sober, ask your doctor for Ultram.

If you like the feeling of being on morphine, that is another issue.

(I can conjecture why doctors don't prescribe it. They and pharma benefit from addiction. Keeps you coming back. That said, I am sure there are lots of doctors who are not like that...Well, I hope so anyway!)

 

[digger]

Tramadol (Ultram) can have its bad effects too for some people. I felt anything but sober on it, in fact in my experience it was one of the most frightening painkillers I've tried. Not that that is everyone's experience of course but just wanted to put it out there.

 

[arfie]

I am frequently amazed that I celebrated my 33rd anniversary and have grown sons who actually love me after having screwed up this bad several times during those 33 years.

When it happened to me, I took the focus off them entirely (well... Except for the missing them like crazy part) and started working all available programs to the max. I did not approach them again I had the support and encouragement of my therapy network.

Sustaining hugs and hopes while you find what works for you...

 

[Promicarus]

My heart goes out to you, truly. It's said that PTSD is one of the main factors predisposing one to addiction...so it's excellent that you've recognized how high the cost is, and are aware of your need to avoid addictive substances at all costs. Of course, spinal surgery, as any surgery--but one of the more painful--makes avoiding narcotics well-nigh impossible...if one expects to function, at all. And to expect anyone to be in all-out, blinding pain 24 hours a day...is really too much to ask, in my opinion. So it seems you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, a damned if you do, or if you don't.

But I agree...enduring physical pain is far preferable to the pain of hurting those you love.

Others have recommended alternatives to addictive painkillers--and I think that's important, of course. But it seems as though the more significant concern is your feelings of loss and self-hatred over what your family has endured, as a result--that the physical pain is secondary. Truly, if they've already endured everything you've mentioned, involving your PTSD symptoms...and remained steadfast...
then whatever happened while you were on the pain meds must have been terrible, indeed, for it to be "the last straw". And having Child Services step in makes things much more complicated. For example...was one of their stipulations that you have no more contact with either your wife or stepdaughter? Just your stepdaughter? Once the authorities step in, it makes the others involved not only that much more resentful of your bringing such consequences upon them, and so reticent to put themselves in a position where you could again...but it may be that there are just the practical concerns of their being unable to reconcile, if to do so means violation of State orders.

I would take first things first--if there are stipulations made by the State requiring you to have no or little involvement with either party...then it seems those would have to be addressed first...how are they going to reconcile with you, when to do so means involvement with you which might put them in jeopardy of violation? Are you familiar with the measures necessary to have such conditions lifted/amended? Maybe a note from the prescribing doctor would help (State agencies are often reluctant to run afoul of an authority as influential as a licensed M.D.) Maybe testimony of responsible members of the community, character references, that would attest to the fact that this behavior was a rare aberration, rather than routine? Learn what hurdles you have to jump, and take practical steps to address them, using their own established protocol.

As far as your wife and stepdaughter are concerned...it sounds as though any attempt to approach them in the immediate future is out of bounds. Sometimes we have to accept that others we hurt feel the need to show us how much we've hurt them, by not simply forgiving us immediately...they have a right to make an impression on us, after all...to make an attempt to make an impression upon us, in order to communicate just how hurtful we've been to them. That's not easy to see, from our perspective, I know...especially when it's those closest to us...and the feeling is that they might just "slip away" unless we act immediately.

But there are other ways to "act immediately" to show how much they mean to us...other than those which seem to scream to them "I demand that this be over right now! That everything get back to the way it was, at once!"...in other words, to show that we care, and love them, and are sorry...while still showing that we respect that they are hurt, and that it's not "just going to be that easy".

Have you thought about just writing them a note, everyday...telling them how your day went, asking how theirs has gone, and expressing how much you love and miss them, and how sorry you are...without any demands that they respond, or forgive you?
Have you thought about making an effort to seek formal counseling, as evidence of how seriously you take the situation, and to what lengths your willing to go, as a consequence? Often, it's the small things, done regularly, that mean so much...as a sign that others have your respect, and attention...even when we seem given, to large, intense, and dramatic displays, instead. This seems to be another characteristic of the average PTSD sufferer...maybe because when we're in crisis, we tend to overreact...but it's not the best way to make others feel comfortable with us, needless to say--comfortable that our reactions are in proportion, and therefore that we'll be safe for them, in the future.

As far as alternatives to pain relief are concerned...acupuncture has been shown to be more effective for the relief of pain, than all else...and often as much so as painkillers (according to studies I've read). Have you tried anti-inflammatories? NSAIDs over the counter, (Naproxen Sodium--"Alleve"--is likely the most potent and pure anti-inflammatory, in action)--but of course, prescription anti-inflammatories, as well. Supposedly, more pain after surgery can be attributed to the associated inflammation of surrounding tissues, than any other factor. Don't know what part of the country you're in, but medical marijuana is also prescribed for pain...and has been demonstrated to be very effective...if legal in your state, of course.

There are many alternatives to narcotic pain relievers (neurotin (gabapentin) was mentioned, as well as Tramadol), but I think more urgent is your fear of losing your wife and stepdaughter, and the pain arising from the pain you've caused them. I'd advise slow but steady, practical, and material efforts, with demonstrable supporting evidence--and patience. It takes time for fresh wounds to heal. But if they've stuck by you through what you mentioned, they must love you very much, and be fully invested. I'd take heart that proof of their commitment makes it unlikely that they would simply completely detach from you permanently, over one incident...especially considering you were "under the influence" at the time...and on a substance prescribed for legitimate, severe pain. Odds are they'll come around--if you continue to demonstrate that you understand their pain, respect their boundaries, and are making a solid effort to change. Best of luck. Free to IM anytime

 

[scout86]

To answer the question in the title of the thread, I'd vote to keep trying. There aren't a lot of things that can't be fixed. There are some, but, if the people involved are willing to try, there aren't many. People and relationships usually have some built in resilience.

Some of that depends on things like whether this is the first time something like this has happened. If it's not, what happened previous times, etc. I think Promicarus had some good suggestions. If you're not already in some form of therapy, seek it out. Demonstrate with your actions that you're sorry and intend to do better. Actually MAKE any changes that need to be made. Talk is cheap.

I hope you can work things out! It sounds like you've been in the kind of relationship that's worth keeping. Not only for you, but for the rest of your family too. Sometimes an important lesson we can teach our kids is that everyone makes mistakes, what matters most is what you do next. Good luck and welcome to the forum!

 

[Britt.f7]

I hope you are seeking therapy and a pain specialist. You need to get help, but I'm sure you know that. A pain specialist can help you manage the pain without those type of drugs. Physical therapy is a big benefit. I wouldn't have believed it until I went through some excruciating pain and actually visited a pain specialist. I thought it was a crock. Of course, make sure you get a good one, which may mean putting your foot down where those kind of pain medicines are.

I wouldn't give up. I would try to improve yourself and take it from there. Your family needs a stable life. They can't have that unless you take care of yourself.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

@Badger ,thanks for your reply.

Yes, I was briefed on the of the events of that evening. It was the police that forced me to stay away. Every day, all day I still think and try to make sense of it all. I relentlessly blame and try and punish myself for what stress and problems I put my family through, not to mention my wife.Unfortunately, as a result of the PTSD, there was previously some strain on our relationship...But NOTHING like this!

I'm so embarrassed of myself and ashamed to face anybody...I just hide and stay away now.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

@franciemarnie , thank you for your reply and especially your recommendation of Ultram...According to my doctor today and the emergency just days ago, apparently I need to start taking an even heavier dose of narcotics plus an additional one now as a result of surgery complications.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

@digger1 ,You are right about the Tramadol.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

@arfie , Congratulations on your achievement with your sons!

I guess part of the contributing destruction of my predicament is or was the lack of available counseling, programs, and controlled proper pain management .I never wanted to tell my wife, because after the surgery, we were soooo good together and didn't want to let her down thinking I was still suffering PTSD symptoms, and FINALLY, she was so happy, something I couldn't do for her before...but I really did seek out help from my therapist and programs I was already enrolled into prior the surgery.

I was a little disappointed that my psychologist wasn't available to see me until after the new year, but understood that she had to be there for her husband that was going through a surgery too. I even tried seeing a different on, but we just didn't click.

As for my program, my surgery caused me to miss more than 3 classes, so I was dismissed.

As for sustaining hope and hugs..... Thanks, but I would first need to find it, to sustain it.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

@Promicarus Thank you so much for your reply and especially the time and thought you put into it!

I think you hit and covered pretty much everything there.

I don't have any stipulated conditions to stay away from my stepdaughter, only her mom. However, I'm not her biological parent, so I have no say in that. If her mom feels she doesn't want her daughter around me, then, it's for good reason, because she has good judgement and I unfortunately somehow lost control.You are right and ironically, seemingly know what I'm going through?

I did try reaching out, but failed :(

I could have easily kept trying over and over, but after my last attempt on NewYears eve feeling really down and out.... I came to realize that I'm further more making things worse and realized that she really does hate me and wants nothing to do with me anymore :( Unfortunately, I understand, who can blame her? I EVEN hate myself and want nothing more to do with me and PTSD.

As for help, I'm now finally back with my therapist, enrolled into a couple of programs and groups, but asked my therapist that it not be disclosed to my wife because I didn't want her to think that I'm only doing this just because I got charged...Truth of the matter is that I had applied for this one program over 6 months ago and finally got accepted without having to disclose any of the pre Christmas predicaments.

I'm doing these for me and the people around me.

In regards to writing them a note everyday...Hahaha!

I now almost have a book ready...I just never sent it over. I think that would not only make things harder for everyone involved, but incriminate myself and get further into trouble becasue I'm suppose to stay away.

However, If she wanted me back around her...I would have sooooo risked it before feeling how I feel now.

We've been apart now for 24 days. I know it may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me...It feels like a lifetime, she was my best friend, my wife, my soulmate, the only one person I had ever fell in love with. Sad but true. I should've have told her, but never did. Instead, all I've done is avoided it by any means necessary and said a lot of meanful and hurtful things to her...To this day, I still don't know why or where all those things came from. Even trying to remember saying those things, I barely have recollection of saying it...Just what she says I say? In those 24 days, I've shed so much tears to a point of dehydration, stayed in homeless shelters, my vehicle, even outside. I feel like all of that has helped me overcome my partner and allowed me to somehow all of a sudden became desensitized and really am ok letting it all go? She deserves so much better and will definitely find someone that can treat her and her daughter so much better than I ever can.

Alternatives...For now, we have encountered some post surgery complications, so there are even heavier dosages involved now. Most likely yet another surgery too.

I'm already on a lot of meds, nerve pain pills, narcotics pain, anti-inflammatories, sleep, muscle relaxers and ulcer ones too... Smoking the marijuana is not something for me , but thanks for the heads up info for that.

In a nutshell,I finally made my mind up to just let it burn. :( It just hurts less this way.