Relationship Kidnapped and Sexually Assaulted Untreated Partner Left.

[lostforgottensoul]

So those steps to try to get on top of it are terrifying. Doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm safe and that was long ago. It's in present tense -- always.

Yes! This!

 

[Peaceful]

So. She is going to a 60 day rehab in August. Has an appointment for a mental health evaluation tomorrow morning. But.... she ran away again last night. I’m so trying to get her help.

 

[Justmehere]

Half of my extended family is made of alcoholics with severe trauma histories in various stages of recovery. I’m also a sufferer with PTSD with no addiction to alcohol but a propensity for it (I want it too much to even consider a drink.) I write from life long experience with being in relationship with those with alcoholism.

She keeps going back and forth...... wants rehab then doesn’t, etc. She can be the sweetest most wonderful person one day, then reckless the next. Heck it can even swing back and forth by the hour or minute.

Alcoholism is a maladaptive coping skill. Give it up and all the pain someone was using alcohol to attempt to mask and self medicate will be there to face, plus the pain of the consequences of substance use disorder, on top of the withdrawal symptoms. Many have told me after rehab and recovery that living life sober is harder than the initial process of getting sober or being drunk. (But it’s well worth it to get sober - just not an easy path by any means.) That’s big part of why she keeps considering help, beginning to get help, and then running. This pattern may continue before and after rehab for some time. Relapse even after rehab is common part of recovery. This cycle she is in may last for years. (Some quit the alcohol cold turkey but even then they will struggle with behaviors and the trauma/pain that was underneath it all.)

I really want her to get help with or without me..... How can you direct the untreated towards help? Ptsd and alcoholism....

You don’t need to get her help. She needs to be ready to get herself help. No amount of help will work until then.

She knows she isn’t ok. She was diagnosed with ptsd but hasn’t had any therapy beyond a session or two.

She knows help is out there. She has the information and the skill to get into treatment. She has demonstrated it. You can keep directing her to resources but she’s got that info.

Most have to hit their “rock bottom” where the pain of current life is worse than the pain of treatment and facing all that one is self medicating before they will get treatment. Or they are court ordered... sigh. :( Right now, drinking is “working” for her, or so she thinks... it has to stop working and folks around her can help by not making it easier to stay in her current path.

In Al Anon, and through a lot of experience and work/therapy of my own, I learned that if I am to maintain a relationship at all with any of my alcoholic and traumatized loved ones (sober or not) I have to respect their dignity (as adults responsible for their own lives) to make bad choices while not supporting them in their bad choices. Successful supporters have to not rescue, not caretake, not enable, and not fall into co-dependency and learn wicked good boundaries.

Which is really hard to do.

She knows she has a major problem with alcohol that has gotten worse since the trauma. I don’t think she fully understands how much it is impacting EVERYTHING.

Sometimes it takes many years after sobriety to realize it all. Sometimes it doesn’t. What usually motivates people to get in the door of treatment for any number of addictions is that consequences of the addiction are so rough they are desperate enough to do the terrifying work in treatment. Some will lose homes, jobs, kids... and only then go. Drug and alcohol addiction is hell and takes ahold of people and wrecks them so badly - and yes, it is extremely hard to be on the outside of it and beg the person please get help only to watch them further wreck their lives.

She talked about wanting therapy. I agreed. Cross your fingers everyone.

I really hope she goes to rehab in August. It’s so good she has a place for her there. I’d suggest setting a boundary like you won’t let her stay over until after she gets into rehab and gets sober. You could offer to still listen and connect for coffee and the like, be a resource, but it may provide just enough comfort she is a little more likely tstays stuck because

I know that’s the last thing you want to do, but that’s generally the kind of thing that helps motivate someone to get help: boundaries.

I’m never giving up unless I think she is doing better without me. I’ll take whatever abuse she throws at me. I’m very strong willed. I truly believe paths in lives cross for a reason.

It’s not about giving up on her to set boundaries with abuse and contact until she gets sober. It’s about caring for her enough to say no in order to sustain the chaos long haul and to give her the best chance to break through her own denial and face things and get her butt to rehab.

For you, it may look different and I certianly wouldn't advise to push that hard or you will most certianly push her away but a slight nudge may just work. Advise something like "look, I cannot handle being in a relationship with untreated PTSD and addiction. I really need you to get some help and start working on yourself or I may need to end the relationship." Again, doesn't need to be those exact words but sometimes you need to put your foot down and be willing to leave a relationship

^This.

You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

This might be a helpful Dear Abby letter that I think is spot on about the “6 Cs of recovery” for supporters of alcoholics. About 28 percent of women with PTSD meet the criteria for diagnosis of substance use disorder - you are by no means alone in the struggle to figure out how to support.

 

[Peaceful]

Thank you for the response. Today is quite a struggle for me. Everyone keeps saying that I can’t help her. I WILL get her help though. I am really all she has. She knows this. Yet she hates the one person that cares about her.

Boundaries are tough.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can get her help all you want... that doesn’t mean she is going to accept it or follow through with it.

You really cannot love somebody better.

 

[scout86]

Everyone keeps saying that I can’t help her. I

I don't know that it's accurate to say you can't HELP her. You can't fix her, you can't do the work of recovery for her, but I'm pretty sure you can help her. Seems to me most of the supporters here help their people in an assortment of ways. I've had friends who've helped me by telling me I was acting like a jerk. (Who knew?) There's a fine line between helping and "rescuing", but there's a line.

 

[Justmehere]

How long were you two together?

Boundaries are tough.

Yes. Boundaries are very hard. It’s why they call it “tough love” sometimes. It’s still loving even when it’s tough. I have had long nights with my stomach in knots with worry after telling a loved one no. They are very healthy. She might hate you for them. Don’t be thrown by this - it’s common and could mean you are headed in the right direction. It’s a sign to stay steady with the boundary.

Be wary of possible “you are the only one I have” guilt trips or thinking. It doesn’t have to be true that you are the only one there for her. She can develop a whole new support system and life, if she is willing to start engaging treatment and making changes. It’s her choice to not do that work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You really cannot love somebody better

Amen!

She has to reach for it, grab it, and do the work herself.

I am really all she has.

Sounds a lot like codependency


co·de·pend·en·cy
/ˌkōdəˈpendənsē/
noun

excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Which is not healthy. She needs a support system. Friends, family, or just others. Someone else she can turn to but you.

Yet she hates the one person that cares about her.

I think hate is a strong word. But she may not be wanting to speak to you because you come with a buttload of stress. The intamate partner of a relationship always brings the most stress by default. Then you have the isolate from to spare the one we love the most from hurting them plus all the really bad parts of our mental illness and in this case, addiction.

But, she really needs to do this herself. She will not get better until she is ready. But there are many ways you can help her. You just can't do the work for her is all.

I think learning where your hard line boundries are will be the most help to her. There is a reason that the show Intervention makes the ones closest to the person addicted figure out what those hard line boundries are if the addicted loved one doesn't get help and why they must stick to them.

Basically, you are no longer willing to enable her addiction or unhealthy choices. But she has to do the work. You just need to learn where your hard line boundries are for you. You need to think about you and your health both mentally and physically!

Al Anon would do wonders for you. Ever thought to go to one of their meetings?