Last Night Was Bad, I Started Cutting Myself Again.

[FindingMyself88]

The title says it all. Last night was one of my worst nights since getting out of the psychiatric hospital 6 weeks ago. I posted a thread yesterday about feeling numb and disconnected. It continued into the night and so I took my medicine early and tried to go to bed at 10:30. I woke up around 11:45 from what I think was a flashback instead of a nightmare, not sure. All I heard was my old step mom's voice yelling. She molested me and her and my dad got into violent fights, so just her voice will set me off. I jolted awake and immediately was in a panic attack. Part of me wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I still couldn't really feel anything.

I got up and tried watching tv for a little while, but it still didn't help. By around 2am I tried laying back down, but I couldn't do anything but lay there. Before I really even thought things through I was up and in the kitchen grabbing a knife. I just needed to feeling something. This was my first time cutting again since going into the hospital as well. I don't cut really deep, I cut just enough to make it bleed and burn. The burn is what I really want at times like that. Something to distract me or make me feeling something. I then realized what I was doing and where I was heading, so I reached out to a crisis text line. I talked to them for about an hour through text. Didn't really help, once you've talked to them several times they all basically say the same thing. They listen for a bit, then ask if I'm in counseling, then ask me to think of some of my coping skills I can use. If they worked in those situations, I wouldn't be calling them! When I get to certain points, they just don't work.

Anyways, after that I eventually went to sleep around 3:30am, although it was far from restful. Now I can't believe I cut again, I had been doing so good not to. But yet, part of me isn't upset about it. Like I said, I don't cut deep. I just do it to feel something.

Normally when this happens I would talk to my T, but this is the first time I've cut since I started seeing my new T. I like her a lot, but I don't know if I can make myself tell her something like this yet… Plus I don't see her again until next Friday.

 

[The Albatross]

You're previously successful days are not lost on a lapse. Mark your days on a calendar. See if you can focus on broadening the gap between incidents and chart/journal the severity of the incidents and the time it takes you to rebound.

I was quite surprised when I did this. My mind lied to me... it made the severity worse (incident's not cutting) and the duration between incidents less than they actually were. I found I could get a leg up on the cycling by charting the "reality" of the occurrences.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @The Albatross I will try this for sure. I only really started cutting in the past 6-8 months. I just really hate where I cut last night. I always cut on my legs, but I cut where you can still see it with shorts, so I will not be wearing shorts for a while...

 

[zeckster81]

I suggest getting up and physically going for a walk around the house, running up and down stairs, taking a shower, petting an animal, playing an instrument, writing down what you feel, art work anything, but avoid the room with the knives. When I want to burn myself I do something physically active to prevent myself from doing it. Usually its Zumba video or playing my guitar.

 

[Healing Reins]

First I'm going to talk about the therapy apt.

What I tend to do if I relapse is, I make a note of it. I make a note of what was going on, why I felt like I needed to, and how it relieved what I was feeling after, then I give it to my T. She reads it and we discuss it. Usually it goes well. There have been times when I wasn't ready to talk about it, and she pushed me to talk, so It didn't end well. But in most cases it ends well.

The next thing I suggest is finding a coping skill that really works for you! Maybe it's coming on to this sight and talking about how you feel, maybe it's going for a walk, or maybe its going for a drive. All of these are great ideas for coping skills, and I believe all of these will help you! Distraction is key to feeling better :)

I hope you find a good coping skill soon!

 

[FindingMyself88]

@zeckster81 I tried all of my normal things to do that I could do. I couldn't go to the park like I normally would because it was 2 am in the morning. Aside from that, petting my dogs normally works but this time it didn't. My therapist is trying to work with me on meditating but I'm not that great at it and I get frustrated.

@Healing Reins I use to do this with my old therapist, however my new therapist really tries to make me talk to her. I think if I just absolutely wouldn't talk, she would allow this, but normally she tries working me through it by asking questions.

Normally my 4 main coping skills are: 1) petting my dogs. 2) going for a walk. 3)painting in my art journal. 4) playing with the rubbing rock my current therapist gave me. Painting wasn't working because I couldn't feel anything to express. Eventually between petting my dogs and playing with my rock calmed me enough to go to sleep. It just didn't help quick enough.

Thank you. I was kept busy so far tonight, so hopefully tonight won't be as bad...

 

[FindingMyself88]

last night did go okay, I think because I was so physically and mentally exhausted. I did at one point wake up from a nightmare (I hate those things!) and felt the urge to cut, but I forced myself to stay in bed and pet my dogs until I was able to fall asleep again. I have another full day again today, so hopefully that will keep my mind off things. We had a church retreat this weekend, only it was here in our town so we all just went back to our houses to sleep.