Letting Out Inner Pain

[Deleted member 34328]

This is a topic I've never had to deal with before. I have a lot of questions.

I've had to deal with several medical procedures that caused a lot of my initial traumas to resurface. It's only been a couple of weeks. Too many similarities that acted as triggers rather than stressors. Result was intense flashbacks and then dissociation. I'm now slowly thawing out with help from my therapist, but just over the last few days, I've come to realize that when I hurt myself (get scratched by my rabbit) - as silly as that is, I feel as though the pain is right. I've never self-harmed, but I'm finding it harder and harder to fight the urge to force the cuts - not inflicted by me - to bleed harder which causes a more painful wound.

Yes, the rabbit can be a beast sometimes, but I'm a little afraid of myself and how strong the urge is. It only happened once before. A few months ago. Once the cuts heal, or start to heal, there has been no desire to re-open a wound. I just have a very painful hand since the scratches were quite deep.

I got scratched again yesterday and responded the same way, only the urge to keep the cut open and let it bleed was so much stronger. I'm also fighting it now to not pick off the scab and let it bleed again.

Has anyone experienced this? If so, what did you do to keep yourself from starting to self-harm? That is my fear.

 

[mrsmegan]

Yes. I fight an addiction to self-harming, including not allowing the cuts to heal. And it is VERY addicting. The pain, the blood, the release of self-hatred. It feels perfect. FEELS perfect, but it is incredibly destructive. As an addiction, nothing becomes enough. I actually landed in the hospital for getting a cut infected. Fight it, fight it hard. Open up to others about it, get some accountability.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I sent a note to my therapist yesterday with a pic of my hand. He responded today. So he is aware that the cuts happened, and that I'm fighting to let them heal.

I just didn't realize the desire to actually pick off the scab could actually happen.

 

[Llith]

It's the same as any addiction, it works well to start with and in the end the damage you do you yourself makes the reward look pathetic.

Try and figure out what it is that is making this desire occur. Then try and fine a way to cope with that emotion or situation. Also push back, when your brain wants to go down that rabbit hole just push back hard and think of something else. Sounds silly but it's very easy to obsess about things you are worrying about and it just makes you think about it more, not less.

 

[Sweet_E]

This is a topic I've never had to deal with before. I have a lot of questions.

I've had to deal with...

I have not dealt with the urge to cut but I was in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) with a lady who did. For a quick fix while you are working on the underlying issues, you may want to brainstorm and think about a substitute action. Ideally, you should discuss this with a therapist because they might have experience with knowing what works. Some examples of a substitute action could be wearing a rubber band on your wrist - then when you feel the urge to have a physical sensation, snap the rubber band against your wrist. The reason you should talk to a therapist about it is because I think this action could have a positive or negative effect. Another technique is to hold ice in your hand. I've used the ice trick to bring me out of a flashback/disassociation while I was taking a walk on my lunch break at work a while back. I happened to have a cup of ice water so I held some of the ice. It was an intense sensation that helped bring me back into the present. I learned that technique from the discussions around cutting in the IOP.

My understanding is that cutting gives you a physical outlet that distracts you from feeling the physical pain. Some people turn to food instead. While the techniques above can help you in the short term, you'll also want to find ways of being able to face and cope with the emotional pain and/or anxiety. Detached mindfulness is very helpful. So are breathing exercises. There are lots of threads on the forum for grounding techniques. I suggest you read through those and develop a repertoire of tools and techniques you can use when you notice you are craving the physical sensation as a way of dealing with the emotional pain. For me, my unhealthy way of dealing with the pain is sometimes eating even though I'm not hungry or totally zoning out by playing games on my phone or computer. Eating when not necessary could be seen as a less extreme way of hurting myself or trying to feel something physical, like cutting is to you. Eventually, you'll want to learn how to face the emotions so that they are not unbearable.

I also find that journaling is so helpful for getting touch with those emotions and processing them. Also, artistic activities like dance, drawing or music can be good outlets. I also love walking in nature with my thoughts. The repetitive, alternating motion of walking is what EMDR was built upon. Walking has a meditative effect, especially when you are surrounded my trees and nature.

 

[Llith]

I sent a note to my therapist yesterday with a pic of my hand. He responded today. So he is aware tha...

Ah yer that's very common, I had an issue with scaring myself by constantly picking at scabs before I even started cutting.

 

[Sweet_E]

I have not dealt with the urge to cut but I was in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) with a lady wh...

Sorry, now I understand you're not wanting to cut. Rather, you are reopening the scabs. It is a similar concept and what I stated above should help.

Instead of opening the scabs, this is just brainstorming off the top of my head, what would it feel like if you instead kissed the scab - like you are kissing a boo-boo? It sounds cheesey but it could be a way of you sending a message to yourself that you care about your own healing. You can do it very subtly if you are in public.

Also, I would think about what you are trying to get out of opening them. Think of a self-affirming statement or mantra to say to yourself to counteract it. So if you determine that you want to open them because you want help - maybe if you have a wound you think your worthy of help?- you could say, "I am getting the help I need" and "I give myself permission to heal." If it is a physical sensation you want in order to distract from emotional pain, you could say something like, "I love myself and I can handle this" or "I am safe."

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I have not dealt with the urge to cut but I was in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) with a lady wh...

Thank you. Yes, those are all techniques I've practiced for quite a while. I used the elastic back to help ground me from flashbacks early on.

I did message back and forth with my therapist this morning about it. He's good at asking questions that make me think. He also said that letting myself bleed or responding to a cut this way is a form of taking control of pain. Since there is a lot of pain on the inside, this is one way that's used to release it - except I'm the one controlling it. When I asked why would I do that... he just replied that wouldn't it be nice if all the inner pain could just be released by letting it bleed out externally. Doesn't work that way.

So I guess to degree, I understand the concept behind it, I'm shocked that I find myself actually doing it and discovering that physical pain can feel right. Yes, you're right. It does seem addicting - only in that when I see the scratch from yesterday that is still pretty raw, I found myself touching it. It really does hurt a lot on it's own. Seems crazy that I could actually want it hurt more than it already does.

Would it be better to put on a glove so that I can't see the scratches? I really have no desire to actually create a cut myself. Just reacting to what's already there.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I know that the pain comes from the medical procedures I just had. The pain of initial trauma hasn't "gone away" and the procedures I had a couple of weeks ago were a close reminder. Not the same, but caused a lot of physical pain...which brings back or hightens the emotional pain. - that's the deeper issue.

Because I never thought I'd ever feel this way, it scares me that I might go from sort of attacking cuts or scratches to inflicting them myself. I want to prevent that as much as possible.

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you. Yes, those are all techniques I've practiced for quite a while. I used the elastic back to...

That's really interesting what you are saying . . .

You could totally try out the gloves and see how it feels. A lot of healing is about going with our intuition and trial and error.

As far as the medical trauma, I was have never experienced that specifically but you reminded me of something similar. Because my trauma was sexual in nature, I went through a period of time in which whenever I felt anxious, I wanted to have sex. It was like I associated the two. When I was single, I would go for hikes (which was usually my therapeutic activity and supposed to be healing!) and I would have this urge that I wished someone would find me alone on the trail and rape me. I was shocked, myself, by this strange urge. My therapist said that it could have been that once my step dad was done molesting me, I would feel a sense of relief because "it was over." So when I was feeling anxiety, my brain linked that to the anxiety I felt as a child. I wanted that feeling of relief that "okay, that abuse session is over." So my brain thought if I get molested now, I will feel relief afterwards. Thank goodness I never acted on the urge by putting myself in danger, but I could understand why some people do it.

I'm trying to think if I remember what helped me get over that . . . It may have been just recognizing the connection and trying to deal with the underlying issue - the anxiety - in a healthy way.

So remember, you are probably feeling anxiety first, and that is giving you the urge to pick. Perhaps the scabs remind you of the medical procedure, that gives you anxiety, and then you are trying to reenact it being over? If that's the case, the gloves could help.

Maybe when you do see the scabs, you can say, "It's okay. I'm not hurt." or "It's just a rabbit scratch. I can handle it."

I think it's great that you are facing your fears and self-reflecting. The more you talk about it on here and with your therapist, the more likely you'll have that aha moment and figure out how to beat it. I know it is scary and shocking to have that urge, but in a way, isn't it fascinating how your brain looks for ways to resolve the trauma? See what it feels like to think about it in terms of curiosity instead of fear. "What's behind this urge? What is this about?"

There are also threads about medical trauma on here. So if they are not a trigger, it may help to check them out. And keep the discussion going on this thread. Hopefully others will share their similar experiences and something might click for you.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm afraid threads on medical trauma would probably be the most triggering. I was raped by a dr while having a miscarriage a couple of years ago (resulted in PTSD) Then had a surprise assault in November last year.

I had two internal procedures done a couple of weeks ago that sort of had a flooding effect. I dissociated during the 2nd one then a milder form set in ever since. My therapist helped start the "thawing" on Thursday last week. I wonder if this is a reaction to now beginning to feel the pain that I had disconnected from.

If it is, then I'm in for a rough ride. I have put a glove on since the cuts are on my right hand and very visible to my kids. I don't need them drawing attention to them. They know all about what the rabbit did, just no idea about my feelings right now.

I will use my journal this evening as it has been a very helpful tool in the past & present. I use it a lot. I'm very creative and writing really opens things up.

 

[Sweet_E]

I was raped by a dr while...

That f-ing dr! I get so angry! I'm so very sorry you experienced that. Horrible! I don't believe in hell but if there is one, there is a special place there for people like that. I feel angry and heartbroken on your behalf. :(

I wonder if this is a reaction to now beginning to feel the pain that I had disconnected from.

That totally could be! My life coach explained to me that often someone who experiences a trauma will keep things pretty well under wraps. But then when another trauma occurs, their defense mechanism can unravel if the first trauma was not dealt with.

I think if I went through what you went through, I'd probably get freaked out by some scratches too.