Sufferer Long History Of Ptsd - Think I'm Breaking Down

[Nothing]

Hi all,
I'm 28 years old, a mother of three. I've had PTSD for a long time, but was only diagnosed 8 years ago. I have periods of time where symptoms seem to get a bit better, fewer nightmares, flashbacks, disassociate less and so on and so forth. But at the moment I've gone from having a few months of being ok, to being worse than ever.

I'm so angry all the time. I'm hurting so much. Watching tv seems to be the only thing that distracts me at the moment, and seeing as I'm a mum of 3, I can't exactly do that all the time. I'm trying so hard to be normal, but it's like the PTSD is seeping out of me into everything I do. I have panic attacks when I eat, I'm so irritable all the time, I'm so angry, I almost cry a lot at home but when I'm alone I can't cry despite desperately wanting to cry. I go to sleep at night hoping the sleep will bring some peace, but the nightmares start, and then I wake with this awful black hole eating me up from the inside. Like a throbbing pain in my chest consuming me. I'm so hypervigilant, jumping and running every time I hear a bang or loud noise. It's so embarrassing when it happens in front of friends. I disassociate a lot, lose minutes here and minutes there, unable to keep track of conversations. I'm finding it difficult to get through basic daily tasks, like yesterday I couldn't cook dinner. I walked into the kitchen and I just couldn't do it. Sometimes I find it difficult to walk because my legs feel like they are weighed down with lead, the whole-body tiredness is getting worse each day, and I'm finding it harder to get through each day than the day before it. My whole body hurts, aches, and I feel so tired all the time. I think I'm heading for another breakdown again, but I can't land in hospital at the moment because I am breastfeeding a 4 month old.

I've had so many traumatic things happen over the years, things the other people say are traumatic, but I just shrug it off, "It's just life," I say. But I know deep down that they really are traumatic, and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something will happen that brings it all back. At the moment I just have this dread all the time, "What's next?"

Sorry about the crappy introduction. I just need to talk to others who understand. I'm trying to be strong all the time and trying to pretend to be ok and I can't talk to my friends about this stuff because they simply don't understand any of this at all.

Cheers from Nothing

 

[TimeToHeal]

Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry you're having such a very difficult and painful time right now. It's a pain I know too well.

It sounds like you are in desperate need of some help - in more than one way. Are you currently in therapy? If not, are you able to seek out a trauma therapist? They can be invaluable, not only because of the support and understanding, but they also teach different coping techniques to help with the day to day struggles.

Know you are not alone! We are here and we understand the pain and struggle you describe. I hope you will find here the support and understanding that I have. :)

 

[arfie]

Getting caught in an avalanche is "just life" too. That doesn't justify leaving broken bones untreated.

Congratulations on taking an honest step toward addressing the symptoms. Recovery is possible. Keep sharing and working on it a little bit every day.

Welcome to the forum. Hope you find many good suggestions and healing companionship here.

 

[Shan-Nav01]

Welcome to the forum!

A lot of what you're describing feels very familiar to me - feeling like I'm going to cry, then when I have the opportunity I just can't! So I get your frustration there.

If you just want a light hearted time head over to the chit chat section of the forum, it's a great distractor! Alternatively I would recommend you start s trauma diary as you can start to process stuff completely at your own pace. This is handy for me as currently without a T.

Enjoy getting to know everyone!

 

[Nothing]

Thank you for the replies. :)

I'm seeing a psychologist, sort of. I was seeing one for almost 3 years I think, then moved and got another, have had a baby which has made it hard to see her, then the shit hit the fan and my old psychologist says that she can see me again after she saw the news break, so am going to get baby-sitting so I can see her.

I'm actually quite frustrated with the distracting/grounding/mindfulness techniques. I know I should be patient, but it's so hard. I feel like I've been practicing these techniques for well over a decade and getting nowhere.

I am actually proud of myself today, it's been just over a week now since the shit hit the fan and news broke out in the newspapers which was the trigger for this current PTSD spiral down, and I've survived this last week. Last Monday I didn't think it was possible for me to survive another day. I was having constant bad images popping into my head, but I've survived.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the replies, and for this site. It has been so lonely feeling like I'm the only one. So good to find this site.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Nothing))) I am so, so sorry that you are feeling so bad! Especially while you are breastfeeding which is supposed to feel wonderful and sweet! By the way, sweet little mother, you are NOT "Nothing". You are doing the most important job in the world, and that is nurturing a baby! My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

I went through Postpartum Depression to the point of almost psychosis. I believe I was 'there' more than once. The child I was nursing (my daughter) was born with severe brain damage, and she was in the hospital for her first month. I was unable to visit due to having a 15 month old son at home, and no one to watch him. Their father, being a great provider was gone from 4 a.m. till at least 8 p.m. working 3 jobs. Then I would go to the hospital, and try to bond with her. Due to her condition, she rarely opened her eyes, and when she did, they were not 'controlled' and it was quite scary.

Is it possible that the hormone fluctuations are making this time worse? Maybe you could start expressing, and freezing your milk as a backup, in case you do have to be hospitalized? I sent my milk to the hospital because it was all my daughter could keep down, although she threw most of it up. I used the plastic bags for Playtex bottles to store my milk. It's possible to rent machines to help you express more than is possible than hand-expressing. They might be able to let you use it if you would happen to have to go in.

I hope you are blessed with some nights with good sleep, and that you are able to see the therapist that already knows you.

God bless & keep you and your little ones' in His care. I hope this does not offend you....

:hug: (((HUGS))) if okay!

AKJ (formerly known as AngelkeeperJ

 

[Nothing]

My son spent his first two weeks in hospital in intensive care due to being premmie, so I'm so sorry you had to endure a whole month with your daughter in there. Very difficult not being able to be with them, I spent those two weeks crying almost constantly, which I think was definitely influenced by hormones.

It is very possible hormone fluctuations are making it worse at the moment, I had postnatal depression with my eldest child. Except that I was doing ok (in the grand scheme of how bad things can get) before this latest trigger. I'd been relatively ok for awhile. I should start expressing just in case. Thank you for the advice.

Does not offend at all and I love online hugs! :-) :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:{{{Nothing}}}:hug:
You are still on my heart and mind...one day at a time...and sometimes one hour at a time! I do hope you get some quality sleep! It is SO vital for all parts of our mind, body, and soul!! Sometimes we just need to have a good cry! That's okay...it's actually good for us. Crying releases endorphins (sp?) the GOOD hormones. I found when I held them in, when they did 'fall out', they were worse!

You are NOT alone!!! You are welcome to PM me anytime!

Blessings & Peace being sent your way!:hug:

 

[intothelight]

Hi Nothing,

Welcome to the fotum! :)

You did a great job of describing what you were feeling and experiencing and I think many of us can relate to having been in those places to some degree, myself included. Combine lack of sleep, hormone fluctuations, the demands of a family, and a triggering event, the increase of symptoms that you are experiencing is perfectly understandable.

The one thing that I would strongly encourage you to do is to see your doctor about the nightmares and insomnia. Lack of sleep is so detrimental to a persons emotional, psychological and physical well-being. If there is something that can help (also really hard when you are breastfeeding) they might be a good place to start.

Make yourself a priority and that sounds crazy when you have children, but it will be better for your family in the long run. Check out some of the threads on self-care and take some time just for yourself. Working to keep yourself grounded and managing symptoms is exhausting, so take some time to recharge when you can.

Debbie