Long Term and Varied PTSD Issues

[Tinyflame]

Yes, Heather, me too- wrong, guilty, "doomed", having to explain and
justify myself.

..Yep..sounds like a thread in there. :)

P.S- Catch and fry one of those fish for me :smile:
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[ashcourtz]

... but I must remember that it is not happening now...

This is true. You must remember that it is not happening now and that its over and you must try and find comfort in that....It made you a strong woman and it made you who you are today....and would you want to change who you are?

You are great!

 

[heather q]

Comfortable Doesn't Make it Healthy

--- same - a life-long pattern of burying and minimizing what affects/ hurts us I think. And then it feels so comfortable because it is familiar. Until one day our minds/ hearts/ bodies get really fed up and won't let us keep doing that.---

Meg,
I need to keep this junk going, the overwhelming big stuff has taken priority and I want to deal with this also. It is like you say comfortable so it feels 'right' we have to keep in mind that comfortable doesn't mean right.

Comfortable can mean very wrong, which is not very comforting. Perhaps there are other definitions of comfortable as well.

If you look up nice in some dictionaries, not all dictionaries, nice can be a nasty description of what we might normally think of as nice, absolutely not nice, one hundred and eighty degrees opposite to what one would expect. So I'm rightfully suspicious of comfortable as well, and then there is interpretation on top of meaning, no wonder it's not that simple, it never was simple.

I just want it more simple, or thought it ought to be, and at the same time when I want to clear up an issue with someone I put myself down because I'm making an issue of it and he isn't how does that work? There is no freedom in being able to talk in a 'parent child' relationship because the 'parent' has the upper hand, back to the old familar Narcisistic Family System. I answered my own question, but it still needs talking about, would appreciate input, again.

Right now I need to recover from the big stuff and get back to taking care of the house,
Heather

 

[Blues in NYC]

Congratulations. At least I think that is what you say? I'm new to this PTSD stuff too--at least it being on the surface and in the sunlight.

That sense of safety is important. Currently, I only feel it in my therapist's office and a little bit on the walk from the train stop to her office. I'm hoping it will spread like some sort of beautiful garden creeper into the geography of my daily life. Maybe even into my home again someday.

Also having someone believe your experience is important. Part of what laid the groundwork for my trauma was a dismissal of things I went through in my youth in a family with undiagnosed PTSD in a parent. Their version of reality trumped all others. Consequentially the self doubt, guilt and paranoia intrinsic to any trauma experience have often been exaggerated for me. When I too felt like my therapist understood I felt I could sew the first seeds of safety again.

Your account of where you are now in your initial post is heartening.

It's also good to read later in the thread folks comments about social boundaries. I have the "must answer every ring and knock" problem too. I even answer those stupid robo-calls. Even when I know damn well from caller ID it's going to be another car insurance robo-call scam. I think part of it is because knocks and rings are both moderate triggers. Exposing myself to encounters with our assailant where I maintained calm conversational poise helped us glean important legal information as we built our legal case against her--the case that was key to saving everything, perhaps even our lives. I'm struggling with that whole "survival strategy becomes symptom" on this one. I'd like to reach a point where I can at least press the "ignore" button on the phone when it rings instead.

And one last thing, Heather, your list of "small things" that all have one big thing in common: they were violations against the sanctity and sense of safety of your home. And as you allude, it sounds like you couldn't prove things in some cases in the eyes of the law. Believe me, I understand what that is like. This is a core aspect of my repeated trauma of the past two years. Much of what I have been told by my doctor and read elsewhere is that deliberate repeated acts by other humans for some reason often leads to more severe PTSD reactions. Life in a high crime environment is one of the many underacknowledged sources of PTSD. This is only exacerbated when experienced criminals hide behind the law and victims become trapped by the injustice. Though I have the hardest time taking this advice myself: Never feel silly about your disorder. It doesn't own you. But after what you've been through, you are entitled to it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather, I think that is so accurate. Perhaps it is better to refer to it as "short-term comfortableness", with the knowledge that it causes us MORE pain and problems/ complications in the future, whereas true "healing"/ facing and resolving to the extent we are able these traumas will bring us true, lasting comfort. I do believe it also helps us to learn how to redefine ourselves and give us more strength to live life from a more accurate (and infinitely better) perspective.

I think Heather, though I know it is SO difficult, it is good to keep reminding yourself that relationships "now" are not Parent-Child ones; your interactions as an adult with other adults may leave you feeling very vulnerable and in a one-down postion but that does not reflect true reality. You are a beautiful adult woman who has the right to say, think, feel and act in the way you want, irregardless of how others may think of it, react to it, or what "they" feel is in your best interests. You are unique, precious, and it's your responsibilty to be true to yourself because in this way you will feel the most at peace and accomplish what you are supposed to do.

Even if someone else doesn't think something is a big deal, if it is to you then that is right for you, and you may be ablre to identify what you are feeling (and why, in words) by giving yourself "permission" to feel it in the first place.

Hope that makes sense! :)
Thanks for great post

 

[heather q]

--I think Heather, though I know it is SO difficult, it is good to keep reminding yourself that relationships "now" are not Parent-Child ones; your interactions as an adult with other adults may leave you feeling very vulnerable and in a one-down postion but that does not reflect true reality.

Hi Meg,
I feel strange, feel like I'm left out, laying low has brought up other issues in the line of -don't belong- so my conclusion is that to belong, I have to make the effort to belong, sometimes I swing into well 'they' don't want me. Not sure who 'they' is, because it's from the past.

When I was refering to Parent-Child, that has to do with communication between two people, you can have an adult-adult conversation, parent-parent, child-child, or adult-child, adult-parent, child-parent, anyone can be one or the other, and you can switch positions during the conversation, it's just one more thing to keep our thinking aligned. I think it comes from Eric Bern's I'm OK - Your OK, it has to do with common paterns of communication.

Here's an example, if someone says "You shoud clean up your room" that would be parent, should is the main point in parent style, the automatic response would be childish, if one hasn't thought quick enough, you can come up with an adult response, if one gives oneself the time before reacting.

I have got to go, got a date,
Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather, - thank you, you've helped me understand. I'm just at a more basic level. That is very correct, -I'm going to come back to this again, -you have made so many good points for me to learn and it takes me a while sometimes of re-reading for it to sink into my " concrete noodle", lol

Hope by time you see this date was fun :smile:

Meg :hello:

 

[heather q]

Hope by time you see this date was fun :smile:
Meg :hello:

Thanks Meg, the date was great, I came across him at a camera swap meet today, it was easy because it wasn't planned, was low stress, I knew him years ago, we had a good time and laughed a lot, nice guy.

The swap meet was good it happens once a year, I really went because I needed to go somewhere where there were people and did it more as a functional exercise than anything, so I had lots of small conversations about camera stuff with lots of good people. It was definitely worth it, I almost didn't go. It's got me inspired to go out and take pictures again.

I also have a contact for 'Sky photograpy' can't think what to call it, but I bought a 1000 mm mirror lens for looking at the sky, I have one half the size, this one should be better. This is something I've always wanted to do, so now it's opened up for me. Pretty good day, all in all.

Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

Fabulous Heather!

-But you have to promise to post your Pics :smile:

You and Dave have to share- (Sorry Dave, I have to say :smile:)- he loves photography too (and I will have twice as much to enjoy)

 

[heather q]

Meg,
The date with H was good, but get this, I woke up this morning remembering the date and felt good, then I couldn't remember the other guys name, (the guy just broken-up with, D) and I laughed about that, then I got sick, still feel sick, as if I'm guilty, I have some sort of need 'not go out with another guy, even if I'm not going out with D' as if I have to behave myself, I don't know what that is about, but I've had it all my life, it stops me enjoying myself, it contaminates my life. It's as if a guy has a hold over me, even he doesn't, does this sound familiar? I can't figure out where this comes from or what it means, but it has held me down, it might be the catholic upbringing.

I also woke up remembering an ongoing complaint I used to get from ex S, my eye-lashes weren't nice and long. I have just discovered, years later that my eye-lashes have done the job they were designed to do and it was only that one guy who had the problem. He mentioned it every time we met, that should have told me something.

Which just shows that somehow, I/we allow ourselves to take on other peoples 'stuff'' and allow it to affect our lives. Just amazing, such a small thing, the other end of it is that people think they have a right to point out supposed inadequacies, when there is nothing wrong after all, even if there was something wrong, why point it out, who do they think they are?. If it is such a big issue for them, they should move on without saying anything.

So I have to watch out for things that I used to take on, and not take other peoples things on anymore, I'm going to be observing more and taking on less. But how do I balance that, I guess I'll work it out as I go, just be aware to start with.

Heather

 

[heather q]

Storing Physical Pain Instead of Dealing With Trauma.

--these things were very traumatic for me at the time, I remember feeling overwhelmed and shocked and all that, but I think I've stashed it away--as unimportant, not relative, don't over-react, it's just things, I can feel my emotions just below the surface--

I never did get back to the simple stuff, bigger stuff took priority, but it's all connected of course, I remember that as a teenager, somehow I was supposed to know the difference between stuff that mattered and stuff that didn't, so I believe that I made none of it matter if it was about me, to be on the safe side and not get into trouble for over reacting, I think that's why I ended up with so much trauma, because I wasn't important enough for me to be concerned about. So it is all stored in various parts of my body as pain.

If it happened to me I should let it go, it it happened to the rest of my family then I'm supposed to know that they were important, I couldn't tell why they were more important than I was, it was one of those things I was just supposed to know. I have never put myself first in my life, I've never felt that I had a right, because I was brought up not to be noticed, not to make an issue, not to make a fuss. To be seen and not heard, however, only to be seen when I looked 'proper' when my hair was right and I was neat and tidy. Which wasn't often enough, because I just couldn't quite live up to Mum's ideal.

A few years ago I went to the emergency room for an emergency, I felt so bad that I didn't have enough energy to get up and say that I was important and something was wrong and I needed help. The emergency was that my bowel system had shut down and I was barely functioning, I have discovered that happens when I'm in a severe traumatic state. It has happened several times since, but I recognize it earlier and manage to avoid a big crisis. When I'm in a mild traumatic state as now, my shoulder hurts, so depending on the severity of the trauma my body feels it in various different places, it's often the first warning, before I realize that I'm triggered about something, or just generally traumatized.

When I first went into therapy I felt most of the pain in my left hip, even now that still comes back, normally I have my wallet and ID in my back pockets but when I'm talking about this stuff I have to remove them because my body is so sensitive about things that are touching me. Depending on what I'm talking about the pain shifts, one time driving back from the therapist, my right arm felt as if it was broken, it hurt so much.

I haven't figured out the relationship between the actual conversation and the location of the pain except for pain in my face, that was an attack. I think that when I don't feel all this physical pain the emotional pain will have receded, I can't really tell what is worse, if it's physical I hurt and stay with the hurt, if it's emotional I can often work out where it comes from.

When the physical pain arrives first it tends to take over and I then I'm unable to get to the emotional pain, I am trying to find a way of getting to the emotion pain from the physical pain. An interesting phenomena, I think it can be done because it is all so thoroughly connected. I think my physical pain maybe a form of denial and I'm not allowing it to show up, or maybe that it's that I'm not ready to deal with it, there is other stuff to handle before I get into this.

Whatever my reasoning I am ready and willing to take the steps necessary as my mind is able to deal with it. Well, that is all well and good, but I just got spiked by a trigger that I haven't felt for a few weeks, interesting how quickly it comes up, so I'm clearing a path and I'm welcoming my issues to show up. I'd like to keep the flood gates open but I'd also like to damp them down a certain extent to give myself time to work through it gradually.
:occasion:
Heather

 

[cragger65]

I can relate to that guilt you speak of Heather, that not allowing yourself to move on from a break-up. Like you still owe them something maybe. Is it that we define ourselves by the relationship and our performance in it, or is it Catholic guilt/altruism? Raises some questions for me. Thanks for opening this up for me, I would have dismissed the whole topic, convinced myself otherwise, without having it brought up. I am a great denier of my own feelings and experiences.