Sufferer Managing Ptsd Symptoms In The Workplace

[Staci]

Over the course of my career, I've had few PTSD issues that impacted the workplace. Now, that I'm at the top of my organization, the stress of my job is very high (i.e. dealing with legal issues, death of a student, building fire, can't dismiss children because there's a dead body nearby, lock downs, terminating employees). That said, I LOVE my job (makes me feel like I make a difference in the world)!! In my personal life, I'm about to be an empty-nester (twins graduate next month, son is in his 3rd year of college) and my marriage is on the rocks. So....very stressed in all aspects of my life. Day to day, I seem to handle it well.

The Issue: Until about 2 years ago, I always reported to a female. Now, that I'm at the top of my organization, I report to the board AND to a male that is at the management organization (it's kinda like how we have 3 branches of government with checks and balances in place so that no one person has all the power). While this male is NOT threatening in a physical manner (he's in his 70s), every time it's evaluation time, I fall apart. He thinks I'm an emotional mess. He knows a little about my past as I asked my co-worker to fill him in hopes of not having issues. Before the promotion, she was my boss for 15 years so she's seen the handful of times a man has elicited a bad reaction. And...she knows I have no issues with women giving me criticism. I have weekly meetings with this supervisor with no issues unless we start talking about my performance. I react to everything he says.....if it's positive, I feel that it's not authentic and take the complement with a grain of salt...plus it feels very uncomfortable. It's it's negative, I cry uncontrollably. During our weekly meetings, I'm on edge the entire time (it's just the 2 of us given the confidentiality of the topics we discuss). He even started bringing me lunch to make me feel more at ease.

Type of Abuse: Sexual, physical, emotional, torture by stepdad; neglected by mom, abandoned by mom, mom blamed me for losing the love of her life, etc, etc, etc

Known Triggers: Men of power saying anything even a little bit negative, men sitting too close or men sitting on both sides of me, electricity, having back to the door, being trapped in any way, men using emotion to get result ("I was disappointed that the 4 of you were unable to agree on..."

My Reactions: Hyperventilate, uncontrollable crying, jumping out of seat (without even thinking) and then pretend like I had to get something, sweating, nervous voice, shaking

Within the next 2 weeks, I'll be getting my evaluation. One of my performance goals is to not get emotional which makes me bad....asking me to not melt down is like me asking him not to be a man.

I was wondering if there's something I can read or somewhere I can go to get help. I've had 4 therapy appointments to date which only seemed to make me worse and listened to podcasts from Joyce Meyers (which was helpful). I know I should have been in therapy for years. I'm hoping for a "fake it until I make it" type of fix. I embarrass myself SOOO much during evaluations and now he's concerned about my emotional state. I only get like this with him and once with a few male members of the board. If a male, who was lower on the org chart, gave me criticism or even told me off....no problem.

Please recommend books, articles, PTSD conferences for executive leaders, or whatever you think I need.

Thanks!

 

[Snowflakes]

@Staci Welcome. Others here with more knowledge than I will respond.

As one who used to be in a lead management position, I will offer this. You write that your male manger is somewhat aware of your past and he tries to make you feel at ease. It's a performance goal because of the decision making powers you have with your work. You already know that and you know it doesn't affect your abilities. He just isn't fully aware of that yet.

I know you said your one-on-one meetings need to stay that way because of confidentiality requirements so you most likely can't bring your old boss with you for comfort or emotional stability. Can you bring something else to the meeting that would help you cope? Do you have an emotional animal at home that would help you cope during these meetings?

I understand your concerns and it seems your male manager is trying to accommodate your concerns. I hope you find answers. I'm sorry I couldn't offer more but I wanted you to know I read your post.

Take care.

Edit for spelling

 

[Staci]

@Staci Welcome. Others here with more knowledge than I will respond.

As one who...

Wow.....I so happy that someone understands!! Unfortunately, my old boss has retired and I've taken her place but you've given me some ideas. Perhaps I should address the elephant in the room. While this will be awkward and make me an emotional mess, maybe he'll understand more (maybe I'll ask him if it's ok for me to email him about this topic). As for comfort, I don't have an animal and I'm unable to bring a 2nd person in (it's lonely at the top) as one of the things he's evaluating is my ability to manage my people. But, your comment made me ask myself, "what can I do to help with comfort" which was helpful. Once he understands, he surely would be willing to put more distance between us during our meetings. Instead of the 2 of us meeting at the small circle table, maybe he sit at the small table and I sit at my desk.

Thank you for your message. I have yet to meet someone at my level with PTSD. It's nice to know I'm not alone. :)

 

[Snowflakes]

@Staci Im glad I was helpful. I do not have PTSD (I support my wife of 10 years with her PTSD), this is why I wrote others with more knowledge than me will reply. But, yes, working at your level put me in the shoes of your manager and I've had managers with PTSD so I tried to be accommodating without embarrassing my team member yet still working at our agency's goals. So, yes, I do understand.

Great idea on the physical distance. I used to have staff put a big vase of flowers next to my spot and I slouched in my chair. It was a little unprofessional but it helped my team member with GAD :)

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community :)

Within the next 2 weeks, I'll be getting my evaluation. One of my performance goals is to not get emotional which makes me bad....asking me to not melt down is like me asking him not to be a man.

Honestly, when there's no time to do exposure therapy to the degree of at least being able to manage my affect, if not my emotional state & resulting backlash from triggers & stressors... Is when I'll use my emergency meds. In order to create enough chemical distance that I'm able to perform in a very limited capacity, for a very limited time, until I can do the work to eliminate my reaction to the stressor or trigger entirely. <<< Which is one of the best pieces of news with PTSD. Rather than asking him not to be a man? Triggers & stressors aren't fixed points, that we're just stuck with forever and always. We can actually start chipping away at them, first lowering our reactions to them, and eventually eliminating them entirely. How long that process takes varies person by person, and trigger by trigger (I've had some very minor ones I've sorted in a few days, most take at least a few months, and a few have taken a couple years of sloooooowly polishing them away; so even with the same person (aka yourself), expect different timelines for how long it takes for each one).

With only 2 weeks... If you don't have a PRN med to use? (And quite frankly, even if you do, it's just good practice to be venting as much stress as possible before/after known stressors)... Stress Cup (see below).

Alternatively, while your boss might not like to set the precedent, people are often willing to give some wiggle-room for known issues that are being actively worked on. Whether this means bringing in your old boss with you for ONE meeting only, or doing the meeting over Skype/FaceTime (if removing the physically in the room 1:1 allows you to think clearly instead of being triggered), or meeting in a public venue (if removing the 1:1 aspect helps, but this way can maintain the confidentiality of excluding your old boss / anyone else from your organization) while you work on the stressor of being 1:1 with a male authority figure giving necessary critiques? Might be some solutions to consider.

***

More Reading (As you asked, but this is a whole lot of info to take in, so just fair warning it's easy to become overwhelmed!) :

PTSD Stress Management > Immediately Useful
The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

Triggers & Stressors > Introduces what they are & kicking them to the curb
Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

Exposure Therapy > Takes time & so worth it.
Exposure Therapy For PTSD
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A note, here... I don't personally see any difference between PE (prolonged exposure therapy) & SE (somatic experiencing therapy) except for language. PE is very direct, & SE is very earth-mama; but to my mind are both doing the exact same thing, just describing it in very different ways. That said? There are a whole lot of people who loathe PE who loooove SE, & conversely those who loathe SE but looooove PE. Shrug. Baffles me. But? Whatever resonates / if it works, it works, you know? TF-CBT, PE, SE, SIT, ACT, EMDR, etc. Are all tier 1 treatments for PTSD, and they not only almost all overlap to some degree (do the same thing in different ways, or are a specific use of one of the others; like EMDR is a type of exposure therapy, which is a type of TF-CBT, which is under the CBT umbrella), but are usually used in conjunction with each other. PE &/or SE are both crazy effective in eliminating triggers. <<< The point of which being? Different things work best for different people, but have the same end result. It's the end result that matters! Find what works best for you :)

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[Staci]

Welcome to the community :)



Honestly, when there's no time to do exposure therapy to the degree of [I...

Thank you for all the reading material! I'll definitely read up on these. Everything you mentioned is new to me so I have a lot of learning to do. Thanks!

 

[Fayne Jane]

Learn relaxation and breathing techniques to control stress until you can get treatment.

 

[Suzetig]

One of my performance goals is to not get emotional which makes me bad....

How did this come to be one of your performance goals - you said you have weekly meetings with this person, how often have you been upset or had a meltdown with him?

The long and short of it is it's not his job to make this manageable for you, it's reasonable for your employer to ask you to attend evaluation meetings and expect you to cope with them. There's a bundle of reading for you which will help. I wonder if doing some relaxation exercises, breathing exercises will help you calm yourself before going in - sometimes anticipating our reaction (e.g. I know I'm going to cry and get upset) brings about that very reaction.

To get to the level you have, you'll surely have had male coworkers and managers evaluating or criticising your work and had to deal with that? How do you normally cope with criticism from female coworkers - think of those strategies and apply them to this situation.

It's also worth knowing that most people with PTSD recover without any form of therapy so it's not necessarily the case that you "should" have been in therapy for years - not everyone does. I'm saying that because thinking you "should" have been doing something can raise anxiety levels even further. It's ok to seek therapy when symptoms become unmanageable - there's little reason to seek therapy unless something is really causing you difficulty. This is now causing you difficulties and you're looking for help, it's all good.

 

[joeylittle]

@Staci - have you been diagnosed with PTSD? It sounds from your post like this is your first experience in therapy - I'm wondering if you've been fully evaluated by a diagnostician. That's actually a useful place to start.

Many people survive severe trauma and not develop PTSD. It's also possible to have delayed-onset PTSD, or something that is not PTSD but that appears to relate to your trauma experience.

Knowing a diagnosis isn't the answer, but it helps guide one to the right processes.

 

[Staci]

I'm not sure if my therapist officially called it PTSD or not. He used that phrase a lot when talking through the triggers and what I called flashbacks (not sure if it's the real thing or not). I only did therapy for 6 months. I liked him but there was an issue with insurance so I stopped. I've had issues off and on for 30 years. Two periods of time where the worst: when my oldest was the age I was when the abuse happened -AND- about a year afterward (I was terrified he would find us and kill me for "telling." The other was when I began contemplating suicide....I was so Sleep deprived due to night terrors, sleep walking/fighting/screaming. I had to sleep facing the door....so afraid to close my eyes for fear of him coming after me. So, my counselor spent most of the time asking questions and letting me talk.

Thanks for your comment. I think I definitely need to know. :)

 

[Staci]

How did this come to be one of your performance goals - you said you have weekly meetings with this per...

I work in a 95% female profession (education) so I've never had to deal with a male boss as my direct supervisor. I don't have issues with guys who I perceive as lower than me. If they don't have some type of power or authority, I'm fine. Ironically, my organization created his organization to be our management company (for central services like HR, payroll, etc.). So, technically, we are equals but it's a checks-and-balances system. The intimidating part is his wealth. He was owner and CEO of a major chain of stores in the US (. I'm intimidated (and in awe) by his power. He has a big reputation. I do need to say he's a really nice guy.

Prior to my promotion, my former boss was female and could really dish it out. I had NO problems taking criticism from her. I've had a handful of female bosses over the years w/ no issues. Some were great bosses, some were not. I was fine with all of them. Years ago, I had major issues with our executive director (2 steps above me). After everyone left a meeting, he put his hand on my shoulder to say something and that triggered my meltdown (alone in a room, close proximity, no clear exit path, physical touch, and he looks like my attacker.....I ended up hyperventilating).

My current boss is a great guy. My voice shakes and I get jittery in his presence. Our meeting are behind closed doors (can't change that) but I think if I re-arrange the furniture to give myself space, it'll help.

Thanks for your comments!

 

[Staci]

Learn relaxation and breathing techniques to control stress until you can get treatment.

To prep for today's meeting, I did exactly that! I read that it helps so I made sure I had a lunch to eat and was taking notes (distractions) and I did some slow, deep breathes. It really helped!