Moving Forward With Sexual Difficulties

[Lucycat]

I got the book and have just started reading it. Would love to discuss with you, and anyone else who's reading it.

How is it going?
I started reading it again recently. I have decided not to go through it religiously. There are some of the activities to work on that I don't feel I need to do, and others that I just don't feel comfortable with. I am reading it all, but picking and choosing what bits to follow up.

One of the suggestions that I have actually put into practice this week, is to try and maintain eye contact as much as physically possible. I felt it really helped. I am accustomed to shutting my eyes, and that makes it harder to stay grounded.

Do you feel that you have made any progress yet?

 

[anndeb]

Oh yes! I can relate to the fear and the 'hard work' in this process, BL and I say congrats to both you and your Rory.

My partner Richard and I attempted to simply 'play around' with sexual activity a bit last night and altho both of us enjoyed it neigher of us came. Why not me? I simply was overwhelmed by the sensations produced and became very very afraid. And so we stopped. I think as we continue to 'practice' it will be easier. Hope so anyways!

 

[Lucycat]

Well, I don't know if I have done the right thing, but I have sent my T an email with quite explicit details of the difficulties I am having with sex and intimacy. I feel that I have only been able to send it because I know I wont have to face him for weeks.

It is so hugely embarrassing to share the intimate failings, but I fear that because he sees me as having progressed so far in other ways that this continued problem is getting neglected. He never asks about sex, but I guess he presumes that if I don't mention it then all must be well.

Whether or not he mentions it when I next see him, at least I feel that I have been open and honest. From his point of view I cannot comprehend how he can possibly want to discuss this with me. He must feel embarrassed too, I am sure. I don't imagine many of his clients bringing the subject up. Bear in mind he is a CPN with an interest in Trauma, not a specialist in sexual abuse. The majority of his patients will have more 'run of the mill' Mental Health problems.

I sometimes wonder if my expectations are simply too high, and that I should never imagine I can get back to the me that had an acceptable sex life while 'zoning out', prior to starting therapy. But that honestly was preferable to what we have now - for both of us. At times I just feel like giving up on it, but then I think 'why should I?' I deserve more, and cannot accept that this has been taken from me.

 

[cherryblossom]

It sounds like you've done a positive thing, in bringing forward sexual difficulties with your T.

Obviously, I don't know, but I imagine that he may think that you too would be embarrassed to discuss sex with him. Perhaps he has been waiting for you to raise the subject, whilst working on other things? Or maybe, he did assume there were no issues, since you hadn't raised it. Many T's are great - but not many are psychic!!

But whatever the reason so far that the subject hasn't been raised - it has been now. And all credit to you for being brave enough to do it. The time you have between now, and seeing your T again, will no doubt give you chance, to get your head around what you have disclosed.

We've all discussed "talking about sex", on a few different threads over the last year. How 'we' feel embarrassed discussing sex etc. It's not in our nature, nor is it really deemed as appropriate conversation in our society. But, sex is a very 'normal' (sorry - know you don't like that word!) human need. And you are absolutely right in that you DO deserve a happy and fulfilling sex life.

I'm sure in reality, a lot of people who see CPN's have sexual difficulties. Seeing as how he knows what you've been through, I seriously doubt he will be shocked or surprised. You have done the right thing in broaching this subject with him. He can't help you, unless he knows what's going on for you.

I'm very proud of you :D

 

[anndeb]

Richard and I continue with sexual expressions, at a snail's pace but ok for both of us so far. I still become overwhelmed very easily and try to break down each step into the smallest change I can imagine. It is demanding but rewarding work I have found. And I discuss some of this with my therapist, who is a woman, with some good success. Good luck to you BL and to all who struggle with this.

 

[Nyx]

I got the book too. Finally. I haven't been able to read for two days now, I'm stuck. It made me cry and I don't want to feel like that. I know I have to, to be able to go on, but for now I just can't. There are a lot of things that don't apply to me, as the book is especially designed for child sexual abuse, but there are a lot that do. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach to read...

 

[anndeb]

Easy does it.. I have found that slow steady progress 'wins the race'.. trying to force the issue has not been productive for me in my experience anyways. We already struggle with fears and bad feelings, no need to try to deal with them all over again I don't think. When we are ready it will come easier.

 

[Lucycat]

I have certainly seen some improvement with this while we have been on holiday.:p

I had put no pressure on myself. Decided not to expect things to be any better, but just wait and see. I guess just being so much more relaxed has really helped. I hope that I can continue with the progress, and not slip backwards now we are 'back to reality'.

 

[Lucycat]

My T suggested I read about structural dissociation. This was reassuring as it mentions there are 3 stages of recovery. Most people achieve the first 2 and then there is a choice as to whether you want to work on phase 3 or not. In phase three the focus is on intimacy.

I found that very reassuring. Although the progress for me has felt incredibly slow, I now feel that it is OK as I have been recovering in other ways. I had begun to feel that I would never regain full confidence in myself with regard to intimacy, but I now have renewed hope that it is just going the way it does for others. What I mean is that I was expecting too much of myself too soon.

So progress remains at a snails pace, with 2 steps forward and one back, but at least it is continuing to be progress.

 

[Lucycat]

Progress has taken a leap forward this week.

I won't tell you the gory details, but I was able to enjoy something I have avoided for over 2 years. I cannot say I was not hesitant, but it is not exactly as if we had a discussion - it sort of just happened. In the past I would have run away but this time I felt really proud of myself.

Additionally the actual feelings - physical feelings - were entirely different to what I have ever experienced before. It was like 'wow- is that what it can be like?'. It is a great feeling that in this aspect I have not just got back to where I was 2 years ago, but have far surpassed that.

Rory hates it if we have a 'post mortem' of an intimate encounter, but I felt like I really had to share this progress with him. I did wait until much later as I don't believe these discussions should happen in the bedroom. He was so pleased when I told him- and he knew it was different anyway, but it was good to talk about it even briefly.

 

[cherryblossom]

That sounds like great progress Lucy :D

 

[anndeb]

Congrats and way to go Lucy!