Moving Forward With Sexual Difficulties

[WonderingWhy]

Brucielucy,
As CB would say;" Been there, done that, have the t-shirt" I know at those times I would hate myself for what I felt was failing my husband. I felt guilt, inadequacy, loneliness and hopelessness.

Having said that. Just realize it is NOT your fault. I think the best thing to do now, is explain to him what happened. That can give him clarity as to what occurred. He may well be questioning his own contribution to your pain. He seems from all you have said fairly supportive and understanding.

Please give yourself a break. Remember my favorite "The Serenity Prayer"

The past is what you can't change. The current confusion and possibly hurt feelings and guilt, IS something with a lot of courage you may welll have the ability to change!

Good luck and please e kind to yourself.:hug:

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks WW.
I just get so cross with myself, and yes, I feel a failure a woman.
But you are right, Rory is very supportive. I just wish he did not have to be:(

 

[WonderingWhy]

But you are right, Rory is very supportive. I just wish he did not have to be:(

Just want you to read your own words!:D

Rory as with all humans, has FREE WILL. So think aout it! :thinking: :p He doesn't have to, that is as he chooses!!!

So!! Your wish has already come true!!!!!:bounce::dance::whistle:

 

[Lucycat]

yes, Ok you are right of course.
I just had not seen it like that.

I feel quite dumb needing the obvious pointed out to me:oops:, but thank you.:)

 

[WonderingWhy]

BL,
Please don't feel that way. That's so normal. When your so close to something it is hard to see it as clearly as someone who is able to look at it from afar.

I must use a metaphor. If you put anything right in front of your face. It would be nearly impossible to see it clearly. However to others who can look at it from a bit further away,(not with it so close up, in their face) it's much clearer & easy to see. Take care

 

[Lucycat]

I was determined that on our holiday we would have sex. I know I was foolish to set myself up like that, and it could so easily have all gone wrong.

However it was ok, - no better than OK. It was not easy and I had to work harder than I would have liked to, but it was enjoyable for both of us. I was quietly proud of myself.

 

[WonderingWhy]

As you should have been!:dance::applause::thumbsup:

I am happy for you that it worked out!

 

[Lucycat]

I have been trying hard to pluck up the courage to discuss 'sex' in general with my friend Laura. I have thought long and hard and each time I get anywhere near close to raising the topic I back out at the last minute.

Last night she told me a joke which I just did not get. She then explained to me and I felt stupid. I had entirely missed the sexual innuendo, and even after it was explained didn't actually find it funny. Not that I let on. I laughed as was expected of me but came away thinking 'what the ****?'.

This has given me another excuse not to discuss sex with her. I think we are on different planets.

I feel that I need to be discussing it with someone. Not my T. because I just can't with him. I think he is embarrassed although to be honest I can't look at his face so am only going by his voice :rolleyes:. He knows I have sexual difficulties but that is as far as it gets. I wish I were comfortable to talk about a normal sexual relationship with my best friend. But what if she thinks that is odd or doesn't want to? Where on earth do you start?

The workbook that I was trying to work through tells you to pick a friend to discuss sex with. Well I did pick a friend. I just can't follow it through. I have never discussed sex with anyone other than my husband. I was very niaive when we first met and 25 years later remain so.

As a child I was one of 4 small children, and we were educated about sex at the sunday dinner table. All together. 2 boys 2 girls. None of us children asking questions as we were all so embarrased and awkward. I guess I switched off. It would be my father that told us - usually while my mother was in the kitchen dishing up or something similar. It was not a family discussion. More a lecture and my father got satisfaction from seeing us all squirm. This was not a one off, but would be revisited at regular intervals.There was 8 years age difference between the oldest and youngest so we should have been at different levels of understanding. I guess we were all confused. I never went on to ask my older sister questions and I just learnt about menstrual periods when it happened.

Do others on here discuss sex with their best friends? In detail on a personal note or just in general? For example would your best friend know how many sexual partners you have had? Would you be embarrassed to tell them? Would you discuss menstruation and/or contraception? :help: where do I start?

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm much the same as you Lucy. I've never discussed anything 'intimate' with any of my friends. Sorry that's not much help..... :affection:

 

[WonderingWhy]

I also can't be a help here. It is just something to this point at least I can not discuss.

 

[Lucycat]

This week I had a flashback. Afterwards I went to bed and scratched myself raw as I went off to sleep.

With hindsight I remember doing this as a child.

I am still sore now.

But...
I was discussing with Rory last night about how much easier pain is to tolerate than pleasure.
I was talking about how difficult/impossible it is to relax completely and the nearest I get is when he massages my feet.As he pointed out it is the furthest extremity making it 'safe'. Even within that when it starts to feel nice I feel panic rising in me. I cannot just switch off and enjoy the feelings.

Understanding is one thing. I am just not sure how to move forward.

 

[Lucycat]

OK. I've worked out that the physical sensations of sexual arrousal is a trigger. Now what?