princess101
New Here
Hi everyone,
I've been going to therapy for the past two months, but am looking for more of a community. It'd be nice to connect with people here, since it's hard to overcome the feeling that I'm burdening my IRL support network by repeatedly talking about stuff they can't relate to. There's a tldr at the end if you don't have time for the novel I've written...
I legally separated from my husband (of six years) about four months ago (we are still religiously married), and decided to travel abroad while I figured out what I wanted from my life and tried to do something empowering while I grieved over my failed marriage. During my travels in Egypt, I was sexually harassed and groped numerous times, assaulted by a guy who wouldn't take "no" for an answer when he proposed marriage, and I badly sprained my ankle. At this point, an American friend I'd met asked her Egyptian Christian friend to help me out. He brought me medicine and food, and sympathized with all the horrors I'd experienced so far. This led to him inviting me to rest and recover in his apartment while he stayed with family. I refused at first, and staying in a hotel for awhile. I had a bad feeling about him. But after more and more bad experiences while traveling, and getting no support from hotel staffs that refused to call me a doctor or help at all, I decided to accept the guy's offer. Besides, I'd had dinner at his apartment (with the mutual friend) before, met his family, and repeatedly confirmed it wouldn't cause problems (since he was Christian and I was a Muslim woman) and that he understood I wasn't looking for a relationship.
Once I got to his apartment, he became extremely abusive: using physical force and emotional manipulation (he told me his family might be killed or he'd be thrown in jail if I, a Muslim woman, was seen leaving a Christian man's apartment) to prevent me from leaving. He began sexually assaulting me--including while I slept in the unlocked bedroom. He talked about getting married, having children, and living in Egypt with me forever; since it's impossible for a Christian man to marry a Muslim woman, he constantly berated my religion and tried to make me feel like a hypocrite for allowing the sexual assault so I'd give up my faith. I kept making excuses that he was naive about relationships/women, since he seemed so sincerely apologetic every time I explained how uncomfortable he was making me feel and when I asked him to stop in the future. I felt I did deserve what what happening since I should have known better about going to his apartment. Even though things were miserable 80% of the time, he was so complimentary and appreciative the other 20% of the time (things I was craving after my failed marriage) and it gave me so much false hope that he was different than the abuse. But by the fourth night, when I tried to leave despite the apparent consequences to his family, he grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving. He'd already punched and broke his television, and I feared in that moment he hit me, so I pretended I was joking and planned to escape the next morning. Later that night, he raped me. I pushed him off, but he then held me down and raped me again while telling me he "loved me."
The next morning, I snuck out and went to the police and gave testimony for seven hours. I was made to feel responsible for what happened, my emotions were played with while they tried to figure out if I was lying, they asked extremely inappropriate questions and made jokes about everything, and I had very little privacy. That night culminated in me leading a van of police to the Christian guy's apartment to arrest him. The next day, I gave testimony for another twelve hours, repeating over and over what happened, was forced to be in the same room with my rapist to identify him (twice), then finally was allowed to go to the hospital for the rape kit.
The day after I was raped, I got an email from my ex saying he was going to meet someone the following month while visiting his family abroad in Saudi Arabia, since this might help him move on from our marriage. I didn't have much of a reaction because I was still in shock after the rape, but I was surprised he was meeting someone since he and I had an informal agreement to talk after five months apart to see if we could reconcile. Anyway, I told my ex about being raped, and he insisted that he wanted to help in any way possible. Since I was seriously doubting my judgment after being raped, and I needed help trusting myself again, I figured talking about my past and being able to find truth in that might help. I was unable to make even small decisions (or see even the least bit into the future after the rape) because I felt so out of control. So I talked with my ex on the phone, I mentioned my plan to leave Egypt for Lebanon, and got a little bit of closure. He said he didn't remember our agreement, but he couldn't say "no" to us getting back together in the future. I didn't feel able to make any promises in my state, so I decided to just give him some space to meet new people and figure out what he wanted.
After booking my flight to Lebanon, my ex sent an email saying, oh yeah, he'll also be in Lebanon to meet this other girl. I felt really misled by him, and we talked again on the phone for several hours, in which I asked why he didn't tell me he'd be in Lebanon. He said he didn't find it relevant (until the other girl found out and wouldn't talk to him for several days because of it); I had to offer to leave, since he didn't feel it was appropriate to ask. I said I felt he betrayed our agreement, especially since we were still religiously married, but he assured me nothing was committed yet between him and his girl. Then, he admitted he wouldn't tell this other girl we'd talked (once that he asked me to leave Lebanon), and asked me not to tell anyone we were talking since it would "ruin his new relationship." I encouraged him to be honest with this other girl (and with me, since I needed honesty and was doubting my judgment even more now), but he replied that I was making him feel guilty for trying to support me and "respect" our six year marriage. After talking, I tried to enjoy my time in Lebanon, but I had no idea if he was lying about when he'd arrive, and I couldn't stop imagining him everywhere with this other girl, unconcerned that he was cheating on me.
At this point, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so I went home to stay with family and be somewhere safe. I guess it was a good choice, though my family is very emotionally neglectful and just tells me to forget about what happened and doesn't want to talk about what I went through. Soon enough, I was getting pressure from the Christian guy's family (through the mutual "friend") to drop the rape charges, since he was apparently suffering in jail and might get the death penalty. I asked the imam of my mosque for advice, and he laughed when he heard I was raped and told me to repent to God since I must have done something to make him think I wanted it. I was hysterical by then, and I reached out to my ex for advice and because I missed him and felt like I did want to try to be together again. I wanted someone to help me get through all this trauma. I got a voice message in response, from his new wife (yes, he got remarried), telling me to leave them alone. My ex then responded (trying to make me feel guilty for his new wife not trusting him since he was responding to my message despite his wife saying she'd leave him if he did), denying he ever led me on or lied to me, denying we ever had an agreement or he said anything he did, denying that he still considered us religious married, then told me to leave him alone and blocked me. As though I was the one who did something wrong.
It's been a month since talking to my ex the last time (we're still religiously married), and two months since being raped. It's really hard to move on from these double betrayals. Somehow, my ex's infidelity and deceit has been harder to deal with since he was part of my identity for so many years, and I trusted him. I think about it like 90% of the day and feel stuck in my anger and grief, replaying everything that happened, and feel constantly hyperalert. Looking through old emails and conversations, I realize that he was extremely manipulative, neglectful, and dishonest ever since we met, but I was too much in denial. He had helped me out after I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted while visiting his country (Syria), and he took advantage of my vulnerability to also sexually assaulted me, making me feel guilty for cheating on my then-boyfriend. We then had a very volatile secret relationship for several months before getting engaged and married.
At first we lived in Syria, but because of the war and language barrier, he basically kept me isolated in our apartment except when we visited his family and he rarely helped me communicate with anyone or understand the culture or language. Even after we moved to the States, he was critical of everything. Nothing I did was good enough even though I helped him get jobs, cooked Syrian food, cleaned, helped pay the bills, built up his credit, taught him how to drive, planned trips, helped his English, gave him citizenship, supported him sending thousands of dollars to family members while he complained about us eating out, and tried to continue studying Arabic so I could talk to his family. He offered no emotional support (preferring instead to leave the apartment or guilt me into supporting him for feeling unable to support me) and demanded sex constantly, so much so that I gained 80 pounds so he'd stop being attracted to me and pay attention to my emotional needs for once. I suppressed my dreams and goals to support his, and to make him feel less insecure about himself (he always wanted to feel "needed" or dominant). He lied about everything, even unnecessary things, to please people and avoid conflict, and made promises to me he never followed through on. I ultimately asked for a divorce because I felt inferior and disgusting, like he needed someone better, not that I needed someone better (though I realize that now). Also, because he kept pressuring me for kids, but I couldn't imagine bringing kids into such an unhappy marriage. I thought the time apart might make him realize what he'd done, but instead he immediately found someone new to dominate and enable his lying (and to benefit from the life I created for him).
Honestly, I feel a little in denial about the rape. I'm not sure if it's because there's nothing I can do about it (the guy's in jail, waiting trial, I can't talk to him, I'm out of the country) whereas I could still talk to my ex to change his mind or get closure (though I doubt I could trust any apology or explanation since I'd be unsure what was true), or because I always had a feeling something was wrong about the Egyptian guy (whereas I lived in denial for years with my ex, and realizing the truth about him and that I'd enabled his lying and bad behavior for so many years shattered what remained of reality and trust in my judgment). Or maybe it's just "safer" to obsess about my ex's emotional betrayal instead of the physical violation and captivity the Egyptian guy put me through. When I hear about Egypt on the news, it triggers me and reminds me of the rape, but I quickly process and forgot those feelings. If I hadn't had the courage to flee his apartment after being raped--if he'd used a condom and not run the risk of me getting pregnant (I could handle someone hurting me, but a potential child getting hurt was what triggered me to leave)-- I might have stayed in that abusive relationship and gotten married and stayed there forever. I stayed in a neglectful, manipulative relationship for six years, I might have stayed in an abusive one forever. At least my rapist made me feel appreciated and accepted every once in awhile, even though I know it was a tactic to gain my trust. I was ready to give up, truly, even though I convinced myself I was going to leave. I'm not sure what would have happened if he had used a condom. I don't know...
I have two therapists now, and am working on self-care, standing up for myself, codependency issues, self-esteem, and processing all these traumas. Some traumas, like my life in Syria during the war, are resurfacing now because I was in denial ever since. I'm trying to find peace and patience in my religion, and everyone keeps telling me I'm so "brave" and "strong" because I'm dealing with all of this in a really healthy way: exercising, therapy, eating right, praying, seeing friends, journaling, telling people about the rape instead of hiding, traveling alone again so I don't feel afraid, not jumping into a rebound relationship, accepting my emotions, not acting like a victim, etc.
But I do feel like a victim. I idealize dying and am losing faith that things will get better, even though rationally I know they will. My mind and heart are in constant conflict. I feel so desperate for help, even though I don't know what anyone can do and I have a large support network that's extremely kind and supportive. I wish I weren't so strong, so someone would just take over. I feel that people telling me I'm "strong" is just their way of excusing that they're not helping, even though I know I'm the only one who can make myself feel better. I just feel stuck, though. I can't trust anyone, and I feel so betrayed by my ex who gets to post on facebook about his new marriage without anyone realizing how much he hurt me in the process. And yet I still miss him and want to be with him, and, sadly enough, I miss my rapist and kind of want to be with him, too. I feel crazy.
tldr; I left a 6 year marriage, traveled abroad, and was held hostage and emotionally abused by someone who then raped me. When I turned to my ex for help regaining trust in my judgment, he lied to me and led me to think we'd get back together, then got remarried behind my back, blamed me for his new wife not trusting him, and cut me out of his life. Past traumas from living in a war zone and overcoming my denial about my manipulative marriage are also coming to light now.
OK, this post is long enough. It was nice typing all of this out, and I appreciate if you actually read through all of it. I look forward to meet and connecting with people here.
I've been going to therapy for the past two months, but am looking for more of a community. It'd be nice to connect with people here, since it's hard to overcome the feeling that I'm burdening my IRL support network by repeatedly talking about stuff they can't relate to. There's a tldr at the end if you don't have time for the novel I've written...
I legally separated from my husband (of six years) about four months ago (we are still religiously married), and decided to travel abroad while I figured out what I wanted from my life and tried to do something empowering while I grieved over my failed marriage. During my travels in Egypt, I was sexually harassed and groped numerous times, assaulted by a guy who wouldn't take "no" for an answer when he proposed marriage, and I badly sprained my ankle. At this point, an American friend I'd met asked her Egyptian Christian friend to help me out. He brought me medicine and food, and sympathized with all the horrors I'd experienced so far. This led to him inviting me to rest and recover in his apartment while he stayed with family. I refused at first, and staying in a hotel for awhile. I had a bad feeling about him. But after more and more bad experiences while traveling, and getting no support from hotel staffs that refused to call me a doctor or help at all, I decided to accept the guy's offer. Besides, I'd had dinner at his apartment (with the mutual friend) before, met his family, and repeatedly confirmed it wouldn't cause problems (since he was Christian and I was a Muslim woman) and that he understood I wasn't looking for a relationship.
Once I got to his apartment, he became extremely abusive: using physical force and emotional manipulation (he told me his family might be killed or he'd be thrown in jail if I, a Muslim woman, was seen leaving a Christian man's apartment) to prevent me from leaving. He began sexually assaulting me--including while I slept in the unlocked bedroom. He talked about getting married, having children, and living in Egypt with me forever; since it's impossible for a Christian man to marry a Muslim woman, he constantly berated my religion and tried to make me feel like a hypocrite for allowing the sexual assault so I'd give up my faith. I kept making excuses that he was naive about relationships/women, since he seemed so sincerely apologetic every time I explained how uncomfortable he was making me feel and when I asked him to stop in the future. I felt I did deserve what what happening since I should have known better about going to his apartment. Even though things were miserable 80% of the time, he was so complimentary and appreciative the other 20% of the time (things I was craving after my failed marriage) and it gave me so much false hope that he was different than the abuse. But by the fourth night, when I tried to leave despite the apparent consequences to his family, he grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving. He'd already punched and broke his television, and I feared in that moment he hit me, so I pretended I was joking and planned to escape the next morning. Later that night, he raped me. I pushed him off, but he then held me down and raped me again while telling me he "loved me."
The next morning, I snuck out and went to the police and gave testimony for seven hours. I was made to feel responsible for what happened, my emotions were played with while they tried to figure out if I was lying, they asked extremely inappropriate questions and made jokes about everything, and I had very little privacy. That night culminated in me leading a van of police to the Christian guy's apartment to arrest him. The next day, I gave testimony for another twelve hours, repeating over and over what happened, was forced to be in the same room with my rapist to identify him (twice), then finally was allowed to go to the hospital for the rape kit.
The day after I was raped, I got an email from my ex saying he was going to meet someone the following month while visiting his family abroad in Saudi Arabia, since this might help him move on from our marriage. I didn't have much of a reaction because I was still in shock after the rape, but I was surprised he was meeting someone since he and I had an informal agreement to talk after five months apart to see if we could reconcile. Anyway, I told my ex about being raped, and he insisted that he wanted to help in any way possible. Since I was seriously doubting my judgment after being raped, and I needed help trusting myself again, I figured talking about my past and being able to find truth in that might help. I was unable to make even small decisions (or see even the least bit into the future after the rape) because I felt so out of control. So I talked with my ex on the phone, I mentioned my plan to leave Egypt for Lebanon, and got a little bit of closure. He said he didn't remember our agreement, but he couldn't say "no" to us getting back together in the future. I didn't feel able to make any promises in my state, so I decided to just give him some space to meet new people and figure out what he wanted.
After booking my flight to Lebanon, my ex sent an email saying, oh yeah, he'll also be in Lebanon to meet this other girl. I felt really misled by him, and we talked again on the phone for several hours, in which I asked why he didn't tell me he'd be in Lebanon. He said he didn't find it relevant (until the other girl found out and wouldn't talk to him for several days because of it); I had to offer to leave, since he didn't feel it was appropriate to ask. I said I felt he betrayed our agreement, especially since we were still religiously married, but he assured me nothing was committed yet between him and his girl. Then, he admitted he wouldn't tell this other girl we'd talked (once that he asked me to leave Lebanon), and asked me not to tell anyone we were talking since it would "ruin his new relationship." I encouraged him to be honest with this other girl (and with me, since I needed honesty and was doubting my judgment even more now), but he replied that I was making him feel guilty for trying to support me and "respect" our six year marriage. After talking, I tried to enjoy my time in Lebanon, but I had no idea if he was lying about when he'd arrive, and I couldn't stop imagining him everywhere with this other girl, unconcerned that he was cheating on me.
At this point, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so I went home to stay with family and be somewhere safe. I guess it was a good choice, though my family is very emotionally neglectful and just tells me to forget about what happened and doesn't want to talk about what I went through. Soon enough, I was getting pressure from the Christian guy's family (through the mutual "friend") to drop the rape charges, since he was apparently suffering in jail and might get the death penalty. I asked the imam of my mosque for advice, and he laughed when he heard I was raped and told me to repent to God since I must have done something to make him think I wanted it. I was hysterical by then, and I reached out to my ex for advice and because I missed him and felt like I did want to try to be together again. I wanted someone to help me get through all this trauma. I got a voice message in response, from his new wife (yes, he got remarried), telling me to leave them alone. My ex then responded (trying to make me feel guilty for his new wife not trusting him since he was responding to my message despite his wife saying she'd leave him if he did), denying he ever led me on or lied to me, denying we ever had an agreement or he said anything he did, denying that he still considered us religious married, then told me to leave him alone and blocked me. As though I was the one who did something wrong.
It's been a month since talking to my ex the last time (we're still religiously married), and two months since being raped. It's really hard to move on from these double betrayals. Somehow, my ex's infidelity and deceit has been harder to deal with since he was part of my identity for so many years, and I trusted him. I think about it like 90% of the day and feel stuck in my anger and grief, replaying everything that happened, and feel constantly hyperalert. Looking through old emails and conversations, I realize that he was extremely manipulative, neglectful, and dishonest ever since we met, but I was too much in denial. He had helped me out after I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted while visiting his country (Syria), and he took advantage of my vulnerability to also sexually assaulted me, making me feel guilty for cheating on my then-boyfriend. We then had a very volatile secret relationship for several months before getting engaged and married.
At first we lived in Syria, but because of the war and language barrier, he basically kept me isolated in our apartment except when we visited his family and he rarely helped me communicate with anyone or understand the culture or language. Even after we moved to the States, he was critical of everything. Nothing I did was good enough even though I helped him get jobs, cooked Syrian food, cleaned, helped pay the bills, built up his credit, taught him how to drive, planned trips, helped his English, gave him citizenship, supported him sending thousands of dollars to family members while he complained about us eating out, and tried to continue studying Arabic so I could talk to his family. He offered no emotional support (preferring instead to leave the apartment or guilt me into supporting him for feeling unable to support me) and demanded sex constantly, so much so that I gained 80 pounds so he'd stop being attracted to me and pay attention to my emotional needs for once. I suppressed my dreams and goals to support his, and to make him feel less insecure about himself (he always wanted to feel "needed" or dominant). He lied about everything, even unnecessary things, to please people and avoid conflict, and made promises to me he never followed through on. I ultimately asked for a divorce because I felt inferior and disgusting, like he needed someone better, not that I needed someone better (though I realize that now). Also, because he kept pressuring me for kids, but I couldn't imagine bringing kids into such an unhappy marriage. I thought the time apart might make him realize what he'd done, but instead he immediately found someone new to dominate and enable his lying (and to benefit from the life I created for him).
Honestly, I feel a little in denial about the rape. I'm not sure if it's because there's nothing I can do about it (the guy's in jail, waiting trial, I can't talk to him, I'm out of the country) whereas I could still talk to my ex to change his mind or get closure (though I doubt I could trust any apology or explanation since I'd be unsure what was true), or because I always had a feeling something was wrong about the Egyptian guy (whereas I lived in denial for years with my ex, and realizing the truth about him and that I'd enabled his lying and bad behavior for so many years shattered what remained of reality and trust in my judgment). Or maybe it's just "safer" to obsess about my ex's emotional betrayal instead of the physical violation and captivity the Egyptian guy put me through. When I hear about Egypt on the news, it triggers me and reminds me of the rape, but I quickly process and forgot those feelings. If I hadn't had the courage to flee his apartment after being raped--if he'd used a condom and not run the risk of me getting pregnant (I could handle someone hurting me, but a potential child getting hurt was what triggered me to leave)-- I might have stayed in that abusive relationship and gotten married and stayed there forever. I stayed in a neglectful, manipulative relationship for six years, I might have stayed in an abusive one forever. At least my rapist made me feel appreciated and accepted every once in awhile, even though I know it was a tactic to gain my trust. I was ready to give up, truly, even though I convinced myself I was going to leave. I'm not sure what would have happened if he had used a condom. I don't know...
I have two therapists now, and am working on self-care, standing up for myself, codependency issues, self-esteem, and processing all these traumas. Some traumas, like my life in Syria during the war, are resurfacing now because I was in denial ever since. I'm trying to find peace and patience in my religion, and everyone keeps telling me I'm so "brave" and "strong" because I'm dealing with all of this in a really healthy way: exercising, therapy, eating right, praying, seeing friends, journaling, telling people about the rape instead of hiding, traveling alone again so I don't feel afraid, not jumping into a rebound relationship, accepting my emotions, not acting like a victim, etc.
But I do feel like a victim. I idealize dying and am losing faith that things will get better, even though rationally I know they will. My mind and heart are in constant conflict. I feel so desperate for help, even though I don't know what anyone can do and I have a large support network that's extremely kind and supportive. I wish I weren't so strong, so someone would just take over. I feel that people telling me I'm "strong" is just their way of excusing that they're not helping, even though I know I'm the only one who can make myself feel better. I just feel stuck, though. I can't trust anyone, and I feel so betrayed by my ex who gets to post on facebook about his new marriage without anyone realizing how much he hurt me in the process. And yet I still miss him and want to be with him, and, sadly enough, I miss my rapist and kind of want to be with him, too. I feel crazy.
tldr; I left a 6 year marriage, traveled abroad, and was held hostage and emotionally abused by someone who then raped me. When I turned to my ex for help regaining trust in my judgment, he lied to me and led me to think we'd get back together, then got remarried behind my back, blamed me for his new wife not trusting him, and cut me out of his life. Past traumas from living in a war zone and overcoming my denial about my manipulative marriage are also coming to light now.
OK, this post is long enough. It was nice typing all of this out, and I appreciate if you actually read through all of it. I look forward to meet and connecting with people here.
