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My diary of random thoughts

No grey area sine who I want doesn’t want me.
And is this the reason you're suffering so much? Because the romantic relationship you wish you had isn't going to happen?

Every thing that doesn’t go as planned is like tearing open the wounds again. Damn...so many things I wish I would have know back then...I wish I could truly live in the moment and feel ok about myself. The constant fear of being screwed over and arrested again or lied to is just unnerving.
I hear you. But unless you can accept that bad shit can happen to anybody, you're going to stay stuck. I know that's hard, especially when you're having so much trouble managing your own thoughts.
How do you process all of this when you can’t tell who is good, who is bad, and who will flip out on you?
You need to interview therapists, and you pick the one that you can talk to - and the one that can describe a path through your crisis in a way that you can believe in.

Trauma processing isn't about talking to friends, it's not about talking to potential partners...it's about you and a care provider working together. Talking to peers - fellow sufferers, like we do here - can be really helpful as well. But you have to be willing to work on your thoughts, work on changing them.

Here's a question - and please forgive me if you've already written this out somewhere...can you write out the narrative of what caused your PTSD? Your traumatic event(s)...
 
Thread starter #135
And is this the reason you're suffering so much? Because the romantic relationship you wish you had isn't going to happen?
No, that was just a random thing. It is a very juvenile want, but I am confused in general about everything. I am just not in a good place. Like, how can you be so confused about things, and not be able to move on? And feel different around so many different people? Is it normal to be that way? I figured finding myself would be a good thing, but I just feel so weird and fake now. It’s unbelievable.
 
Thread starter #136
Things were going downhill in my marriage. My ex started setting me up- telling me things that were not true. Moved his friend into our house, apparently was also cheating on me at the time.

I moved out, but showed up at the house one night. I was paying the mortgage on the house. He came out of the house and tackled me in the driveway. He was a lot bigger than me- picture a 275 pound solid man, more than 125 pounds larger than me, tackling you in the driveway. Come to find out, he had a girl in the house, but was texting me about how I was the best he ever had. More so sexual than anything else. I hit the damn driveway and lost it- fought him off, went into the house and flipped out. My adrenaline took over big time. I felt so awful. No man has EVER laid a hand on me like that. No one.

Previous to this, he really tried to manipulate me monetarily. It sucked. Told me to file for divorce. Turns out, he told this girl we were already divorced. He completely manipulated me.

Anyway, after I went in the house, we fought, physically. He pulled a gun on me and I called the police. He played victim. He told them he didn’t pull a gun on me.

I completely lost my mind. I felt like crap, the weirdness set in.

In court, he looked ashamed. I had a no contact order against him, and then he ended up contacting me. Wanting to meet me in private. Apologizing to me for hurting me. I believed him.

And things started to get really weird from there, mentally. He was nice, took me out to dinner, then became mean. He completely manipulated me. I’ve been in therapy for a while, and I know she is right about what he did, but I just can’t seem to get it through my head. At one point, I went almost a month without sleep. He told me it was my fault, then apologized, then didn’t. I was so wrapped up in wanting to work things out, it was insane. He told me I should be able to take it because my brother “beat my ass” when I was younger- which is not true. He had a PPO on him from his ex wife, which magically disappeared when we went to court. Then he told me it was removed a long time ago. I’m not crazy. All of this anxiety happened when things were starting to be off to begin with.

This is how I know that my life is going down the drain, I just do t know what to do to fix it. I never felt like this before.

I remember one night, he got on top of me and told me I didn’t listen to him, just like his ex wife. When he was all up in my face, I started seeing weird ass shit. Like evil in my mind, then it just got weirder and every time someone was mad at me, I saw it. I do t always see it now, but things got so weird, I started seeing like the walls move. Almost like when you look at a 3D picture. Never had that happen before.

It getting better, but I am now stuck with a domestic violence charge on me. That is why I am afraid to date, but I want a relationship sooo bad. It’s been 6 years, I’m lonely. I miss companionship and a real relationship. We had that at the beginning. Now, I’m so self conscious, so weird about things. I jump from person to person (I feel so dirty for that 😔), but things are just so weird. I do t know how to read people anymore, and I feel so effed up. Yet, I know myself well enough to know that I will be alone if I do t force myself to be with people- not just romantic relationships but with friends too. I have a really hard time determining who is really my friend and who isn’t. And, I have a close friend of mine that likes me, I don’t feel the same, but know he is “safe.” I am so not attracted to the “safe” guys. I try sooo hard to be, but it’s hard. I am somewhat of a girly girl, I like clothes, shoes, makeup, pedicures, etc, but I have a tomboy side to me- camping, 4 wheelers, building bonfires, fishing, sports, etc. I had a “safe” guy tell me that he is like the woman in the relationship...total turn off. But, I dont look at him like he is an evil man and my therapist thinks he sounds emotionally mature. Sorry for the ramble.

Oh, and when I was struggling with everything, I stupidly decided to talk to a psychic- I know fun as all hell, but I flipped the hell out. And that is like ingrained in my brain. I think some of the weirder things were when I would talk to my ex and he would just be weird...look at me weird, say one thing to me in person but text another. It messed with me soooo bad.

I’ve been on meds, diagnosed as bipolar (which he said I was), told it is anxiety. I’ve done EMDR, meditation, taken meds- including ketamine, therapy, yoga, all kinds of stuff, and I just feel so weird. I made really dumb decisions because of it, and I feel so stupid. It isn’t as bad now, but it’s like I see 3 things- good, evil and normal. I wish normal would be the primary thing all the time. When I see the evil, my body tenses up so bad, I have stress in my back, forehead, and muscle spasms. When I see good, I feel like my head is in the clouds.

All I know is I just want to feel normal again. This is draining. I am so tired of it. And now, I’m living this weird ass life where I obsess I have to say yes to please people in the wrong way. Either over the top or you know, booking up. I can’t tell when someone is lying or telling the truth, and I am so scared of dating. Then when things go bad with people I like, I drill it to the ground. I made things seem really weird, even though the one guy said he was just really busy. I know he is blowing me off, but it’s like I can’t tell if it was me or him....🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry for the rant...

Oh, and, I knew my ex for 7 years and never knew he owned a real gun. He always wanted me to buy one, I never wanted to. He also used to say- you have to break a person down and build them back up, just like the military. He was in the military. I thought he was kidding because who says shit like that??? He knows everything about my situation. He cleaned his life up perfectly. And when I started talking to a psychologist when all this weird stuff was happening, he told me she was brainwashing me.
 
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And one of the trauma therapists I saw told me about projection, so now all I think about is- is this person projecting on me? This therapist grabbed my purse and told me because I looked at it, I was ADHD. And he charged $300 an hour to quote therapy he read in books. This lady, that I trust more, is saying I have to get to know people, which is hard when you thought you knew someone that lied to you.

My family saw how he was treating me different, I didn’t want to see it. And now, I am not as close with my family, so extremely difficult. I feel like I am really just getting myself into more of a home than ever before.

And, my ex always told me how crazy I was, and I think he is right in a way, and I have so much anxiety and weirdness and doubt that I feel crazy.

Also, at one point, my ex told me that once everyone knew the truth, that everything would be ok. That I was sick- meaning bipolar. Then when I told him I was seeing a psychiatrist, he said - do you want everyone to know you’re sick??? My life is so f*cked. When we first started dating, I tried to break up with him and he begged me to stay. I did. He knew that I always backed down and told him everything.

I question if I am pretty, ugly, and most importantly- who is using me. I have 3 different dates this weekend- I hope I don’t sleep with them all...😢🤯 I literally lost myself and I remember lying on the ground crying not knowing what was happening to me while my family walked over me. I’ve learned so much about narcissists and psychopaths, but he has literally moved on, I am still struggling mentally, and if I even get to go back to court, I am not in good shape. It’s so hard for me to keep these thoughts straight...I just feel so weird.
 
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Thanks for sharing all that, @AnnieMae. Was it helpful for you to write it all out?

And I'm curious...when's the last time you saw a psychiatrist?

it’s like I see 3 things- good, evil and normal. I wish normal would be the primary thing all the time. When I see the evil, my body tenses up so bad, I have stress in my back, forehead, and muscle spasms. When I see good, I feel like my head is in the clouds.
Do you feel like PTSD is the reason for (or explains) why this is how you're seeing things?
 
Thread starter #139
Thanks for sharing all that, @AnnieMae. Was it helpful for you to write it all out?

And I'm curious...when's the last time you saw a psychiatrist?


Do you feel like PTSD is the reason for (or explains) why this is how you're seeing things?
Saw a psychiatrist last week. I think manipulation is why I see things that way. Fear from him. He tackled me and every time he was angry at me to force me to do something, it f*cked with me. And no, it’s not helpful to write things down, because it doesn’t change my situation.
 
Thread starter #142
I can’t fight off the depression or the badness. He won. It’s not all in my head. It’s all a bunch of shit! I was arrested. I need confirmation. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. Am I pretty? What do I deserve? What can’t I have fun? Why don’t I deserve a better job? He does...not me
 
Thread starter #143
What do you do when you realize that your ptsd is reality???? T t hat your whole life has gone to shit because of one person and you can’t pull yourself out of the nightmare???? When you put yourself in reality and you find that everything has gone to shit? You don’t know what to do because everything costs you so much money? When your life came crashing down and your abusers’s life is fine? The lies and manipulation has totally effed up your life and nothing works out the way you planned? All your dreams went to shit? How are you not supposed to have ptsd?
 
Accept you have PTSD, and get to work on it.

@AnnieMae - spinning your wheels isn't going to get you anywhere.
T t hat your whole life has gone to shit because of one person and you can’t pull yourself out of the nightmare????
You get help to get out of the nightmare.
When you put yourself in reality and you find that everything has gone to shit?
You confront the thought, understand that not everything is lost, and you start rebuilding.
You don’t know what to do because everything costs you so much money?
Google to learn more about financial planning.
When your life came crashing down and your abusers’s life is fine?
Honestly? You decide to focus on yourself. f*ck them.
The lies and manipulation has totally effed up your life and nothing works out the way you planned?
Well, this happens to a lot of people. A lot of the time. Maybe it helps to recognize that? Find stories of other people who have climbed out of the holes in their lives? There are plenty of people here trying to do that every single day...
All your dreams went to shit?
Learn how to recognize cognitive distortions.

You need to try and understand - when you constantly write about how dire it all is, and you never work on finding the small things that are NOT disasters, just for today - then you won't ever be able to see anything except the hole you're in.

What do you want, here? Validation? Sympathy?

Because you can't be supported if you aren't interested in trying, at all. Often, it seems like that.

I'm just one person, and that's my opinion - that's all. I won't kick you off the site because I'm frustrated you aren't challenging yourself. All I can say is I wish you'd get help. Either get it from yourself, or get it from someone in the 3-D world...or better yet, get it from both those places, and get it from here.
 
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