My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

Please, someone just help me. I already lost in life, now I can’t do anything anymore. I need someone to help me. Help me help me. I can’t calm my body down. I can’t do anything anymore. It sucks.

 

[AnnieMae]

I completely ruined my life! I resumed my life! I ruined my life! I can’t calm down! My life is ruined! It’s either all stress or all hyper! I can’t calm down! No one cares about me! Now I have too many things going on at once! It’s too much! I can’t handle it! On top of the emotional stuff, there is the damn conviction which messed my life up forever. I can’t get out of it, therefore I will always be in a rut. I can’t constructively think about anything. I cannot let go of the past. I can’t handle any of this. I lost my damn mind when he messed me up. I can’t get it back. I will never recover from it let alone move ahead. This is huge! Huge! I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t stop. I can’t move forward. I can’t do anything!!!! Everything I thought was good is no more. And I keep treating others like crap because I am an emotional wreck. I will be like this forever because no one can really help me!

 

[AnnieMae]

I have to pick a path that I don’t want. I have no choices in life. It’s always just too much. I can’t stop the anxiety because of the charge. My whole life is backfiring in my goddamn face! Too many problems to fix! There is no authenticity to anything anymore. I’m tired, but full of energy. I have no willpower to do anything. I will never have a close relationship again because I keep covering up the past. Everything I do is wrong. No one sees it but me because I hide it. Nothing will ever be the same. All directions are wrong and I can’t change. Everyone else can but I can’t. My psychologist tells me to make my own decisions then tells me to do the opposite of what I chose. It’s draining and exhausting yet if I do nothing, I will be alone forever. I don’t want to be alone but I have no choice. I can’t keep doing this but it’s not fun anymore. I hate being vulnerable and manipulated but now I’m in a place where I can’t make a decision. Everything blows up in my face. ? But it’s all or nothing and I can’t change my attitude or my life. Nothing is going right. I have too much, but I don’t want to be alone. I hate being a victim but I hate being a bitch. I will never meet “the one” because I suck as a person. I messed up my life so bad and it just keeps getting worse.

 

[AnnieMae]

My life is so f*cked! I can’t keep my goddamn mouth shut and everything is so f*cked! I just want a goddamn normal life! I want a house and a husband but that will never happen! Eff therapy and finding someone better! It’s hasn’t happened yet and it won’t! No one can truly help me! My life is completely f*cked and all I do is keep stressing out about it and it’s making me sick! I will always feel this way! I will always have a mood disorder because of what happened! It will never be ok! It will never get better! Those people do not care about me or my effing life! The judge, the girl, the therapists, the lawyers, even effing god doesn’t care! People say they care but they don’t do shit about it! Self l9ve is the only thing you can have because n9 one has any real answers! Not one person can hel0 me!!! He manipulated me and tore me down and lied and I’m supposed to feel ok knowing that ???? I have a record I can’t expunge because of him. He attacked me and I lost my damn mind- literally. Ever since he laid me out in the driveway I haven’t been the same. But n9 one believed me and I feel like crap! No one cares and I can’t get my life together let alone keep my sanity. I will never have real friends or a real boyfriend let alone get married or even try to have a family. My life is so effed it’s ridiculous.

 

[AnnieMae]

I hate my life! I can’t even listen to my therapist! All I know is I am a damn fake! And I hate my life! Nothing is lining up! Nothing is going good! It’s all for crap! And no one cares! All this crap messed me up so bad! I was a good person! I went through so much crap and I still struggle with it! I hate my life! I wish it would get better but I can’t make it better! Everyone tells me what to do but no one can stop it! Who am I???? A piece of crap now that the law laid their hands on me. They don’t know what he did to me and it doesn’t matter anymore because no one cares about me!!!!!! I hold myself back from great things! Damn! But the world just won’t quit crapping on me and it’s all my fault! All because I couldn’t walk away. But now, I hate my life so much, it sucks. I can’t do anything right anymore. Damn. I will never recover.

 

[AnnieMae]

I will never feel normal again. It’s been so much stuff in my head that I’m all effed up. I’m all weird and secretive and stupid and crap. I hate it. My life is going down the drain. I hate my life! Everything is so extreme! So big! I can’t handle it! I can’t handle it! Nothing is lining up! Nothing is good anymore! It’s all screwed up because I went against what I was told. And I can’t tell anyone. I can’t tell a soul.

 

[AnnieMae]

My life is falling apart! I am always making the wrong choices! I made the worst choice ever and I can’t fix it! I am doomed to be alone forever and no one cares! No one can help me! My life is in shambles and I hate it! I can’t stop the paranoia, the bitciness or anything! I will always be a loser! A piece of shit! Everything I do is wrong! My life used to be so good! Now it sucks! And I’m a spoiled brat! A piece of crap that can’t get her shit together because she is so used to being coddled.

 

[AnnieMae]

I have turned into the biggest baby ever. If I don’t leave, I will never leave. But I’m afraid to leave because nothing feels right anymore. It all feels wrong

 

[AnnieMae]

My life is so fake! I won’t think this way next year. I can’t leave my damn family and it is killing me. I am so unhappy with my life but everything I do is a effing joke. I don’t enjoy it. I am tired. I can’t break my bad habits of smoking and shopping like a maniac. I am tired. So tired and everyone keeps pressuring me. I am going to be alone for the rest of my damn life all because a stupid damn psychologist told me to find myself. Well, being alone sucks. But the world doesn’t care about me. I’m not a people person like someone I know. He gets everything he wants. Everyone else gets everything they want and all I can do is freak the hell out. I’m so tired. I can’t even clean my disaster of a room because I’m constantly running around and feeling like crap.

 

[AnnieMae]

It’s all lies and all I can do is keep living them because I can’t escape the lies he created. He told me he was being vindictive and now I am so confused that I can’t fix things. Everyday is a day in anxiety with me trying to change my perspective. Well, what happens when you can’t stop it from changing? The only thing I know for certain is I don’t have anything better to move on to. That was a lie. And my life is so screwed. That is not a lie.

 

[AnnieMae]

I am not who I thought I was. My sister is strong. I am getting into another relationship like the one with my ex, except this time, I have no family to help me. I am so screwed. I will never be treated the way I want because of my past. I am not who I say I am. I am nice, but I am a pushover. I believe everything that everyone tells me and now I can’t change. Because my ex lied to the police and broke me down to basically nothing, I cannot get my damn life back on track. And all anyone can do is tell me that I have to accept it. I hate my life! I’m not suicidal, I am just angry and depressed and always will be. Stress, stress, stress, stress, stress! I can’t get rid of it! I can’t move on to better things, I so want to give up but can’t because it’s life. You have to keep doing the same mundane things every day. I regret everything because I used to have this perfect life. Now, I don’t. Now it’s so messed up. I can’t stop shopping or smoking or anything.

 

[AnnieMae]

No one can truly help me with life. All I know is I am paying for therapy and it isn’t even helping me figure things out. All I can do is lie and say I am fine. Everyone else has boundaries that work for them, but I don’t. I meet people that use me for things and it’s awful. It’s always like that and will always be like that. Nothing will ever change. No one cares. All this talk about having a relationship, but it’s turning into me helping someone get a better house. Hey! Look at this deal! But don’t forget, it’s away from your friends, family and everything. I’m making a sacrifice for you...damn. I haven’t learned any lessons because I’m an idiot that wants to be loved so bad. Good things don’t happen to me because I was set up and I’m being lured again. Everyone tells me it’s a bad idea and I know it. Everything is so messed up. That’s my life because I didn’t listen to him and I didn’t listen to my family or the therapist or friends. Instead, I listen to myself and psychics which messes me up! Everything I’ve ever done has hurt me. It is trauma- realizing that what I had was fake and that I will never have my dreams. I will always be in limbo. I will always be a failure because my life will never be the same. I am just swapping one thing for another, not making changes like I thought would happen. I will always have sh*tty relationships, fighting tendencies. If I stick up for myself I’m a b*tch. If I do t I’m told to have more faith in myself. The things I thought I was good at I’m not. I’m only good at smoking, shopping and trying to find love. There is no such thing as improvement for me. Only basic stupid crap. My new job is not a real promotion. It is a lateral move. Not a move up in the company. I’m tired. Everyone has suggestions and when I chose one over the other, the other person is the first to throw it in my face and say see, I told you so but you didn’t listen. Now, I’m making really bad decisions and no one can stop me or help me.