My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

I care about my life, it’s just that no one else does. I am not a sting person like I thought. This trauma doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter that he hurt me and lied about it. He didn’t care, the court didn’t care, God doesn’t care. Only weak people care. Caring is a sign of weakness. I loved and cared for someone and it was a sign of weakness. So now, caring about others will backfire in my face because I will never feel normal again. I will never feel good again. There are only specific times. Not all the time like I used to. And I’m overlooking things that are going to backfire in my face eventually. It always does. I begged him to be nice and treat me like a human being and he wouldn’t. So now, I’m screwed. If I don’t have people in my life, I’m screwed and if I’m alone I’m screwed. There is no happiness. There is no truth. It’s only people agreeing with you and that is fake.

 

[AnnieMae]

I am finally seeing myself for who I really am...a weak sh*t talking piece of crap that can’t change. I can’t change. I do bad things and can’t stop them- like spending my life away and smoking. I can’t stop them. Not even for someone else. I can’t move out of my parents because I’m scared.

 

[mumstheword]

You've got a lot of cognitive distortions at play in those words. Your inner critic is really giving you a hard time.
I'm sorry things are so tough, right now.
Those things your saying to yourself, though? They aren't true. That is pain and fear talking.
Healing is a process and it takes getting a hold of negative thinking and cognitive distortions.
It takes questioning our own thinking and perceptions. We can be wrong. A lot.

So maybe, just start to question those negative thoughts. See if you can find a little compassion for yourself. Something to recognise in yourself that is worth acknowledging and, maybe, grieving for and treating yourself kindly about.

Kindness IS real.

This site is full of it.

Look around. Challenge your thoughts by paying more attention, without jumping to any conclusions.

You are bitter, and no doubt, have plenty to feel bitter about. I wouldn't minimize anything that brought you here, but, change starts with one step at a time, one decision, one little bit of doubt that the way you are thinking and seeing things might be harsher than It needs to be or helpful or true. And that's ok, we all get a lot of things wrong a lot, before we start to figure stuff out.
Love and kindness are real. I know it and I didn't have a good start or a good time for a long time. So I get it, but life changes. Things don't stay the same.

I get caught up in negative thinking too, believe me, it's an ongoing battle to correct that bleak, miserable inner critic, but that's what it is, an internalized abuser, something we've learnt, and so we can unlearn it and learn healthier ways of thinking.


Because it's not true.

You are not a piece of crap. You are a hurting human and you deserve love and kindness.

 

[AnnieMae]

My life is going down the goddamn drain. I am stuck, can’t move on, never will. I will never be happy again. I will never be myself. Everything is for sh*t. I cannot make friends or have a relationship. Nothing is “better” like the goddamn psychic said would be. My life is falling apart. I can’t believe I lost my mind so much that I talked to psychics. I hate my life. I am not happy. I have gained so much weight, I lost the love of my life, and I cannot change my perspective. It’s soooooo hard to do.

 

[AnnieMae]

I am not who I thought I was. My sister is strong. I am getting into another relationship like the one with my ex, except this time, I have no family to help me. I am so screwed. I will never be treated the way I want because of my past. I am not who I say I am. I am nice, but I am a pushover. I believe everything that everyone tells me and now I can’t change. Because my ex lied to the police and broke me down to basically nothing, I am a fool. I am stupid and annoyed with my life. I will never be in a relationship. I am always being told I’m selfish and spoiled and all this other stuff. I am tired of learning lessons and being punished. Always punished by people. Always punished by God.

 

[AnnieMae]

It’s hard to not be loved by anyone. It really is. People tell you they love you and give you ultimatums and then say you are selfish if you don’t take them. My life is so messed up because of the trauma. I can’t fix it. Things aren’t getting better. I think about buying a house but I don’t have enough money. And I can’t stop spending. I lost my damn mind and it sucks. No one can truly help me. Not one person can truly help me. Omg! I had everything. Now I have nothing and no one. All life is is constant battles unless I am alone. Everyone has bad intentions. Everyone is out for themselves. No one truly cares about me. Everyone has their own happy families and friends and I have nothing. I hate my life with a passion, but it moves on and there is nothing I can do to fix it or take the pain away. Because I can’t fix it, I can’t take the pain away. I will always feel this way.

 

[AnnieMae]

No one can help me. It’s never going to get better, be better. I will never be in a relationship with anyone for the rest of my life because of my bad experiences and my past. I’m so tired of not knowing and being on edge. No one can help me and I am f**king pissed! I will always be pissed!

 

[AnnieMae]

Today is a rough day and I am feeling the heck out! Meeting new people and stuff gives me more anxiety than I would like. I hate it. I hate the way my life is going. I really do. Sure I am lucky to have what I have, but I can’t get my life back on track. I never will. I keep telling myself I will make changes but I can’t. I’m so tired of freaking out. He ruined my life and did it in such a big way that I can’t get out of it. Especially not mentally. I will be 40 living at my parents like a loser. I hate my life. I wish things were so different. Change, right??? Doesn’t happen to me. No matter what I do it’s wrong. This whole thing did not work out. I will never have a family or have real friends or have a spouse again.

 

[AnnieMae]

I have no real friends. I have no one and nothing. Everyday is a living hell. A living nightmare. It’s not fun. I will never have a relationship with anyone. It’s always go, stop, go, stop. My life is useless. I have no real friends let alone actually meeting a love of my life. I suck as a person. All close relationships are bad. All bad. Everyone just wants to screw you over. No one wants to help you. No one can help me meet anyone. Instead, I’ve become a victim to therapy. A victim of my circumstances. These circumstances will never ever go away, therefore, I will never get better.

 

[AnnieMae]

I’m in such big trouble. I’m in soooo much trouble. I am being manipulative and stupid trying to weasel my way back in. His life is better and there is nothing I can do to make mine better. I pretend this are ok but they are not. I am a true loser. No one can help me. It’s not PTSD when your life does to sh*t and you can’t fix it. You pretend everything is ok but it’s not. You have no real help. You have nothing. No energy. For the rest of my life it will be this way because of the charges. No one knows what he did. No one. My whole damn life is off track.

 

[AnnieMae]

This is all bullsh*t! I will never find love because I am always alone! I have no way of meeting people, getting my life together or anything. All I have to do is not think about it, well all I can do is think about it because I am now a loser. I am a loser! My life went to hell in a hand basket and I will never ever fix it! The emotions and feelings will never go away! I will never have feelings for another person outside of my family and it sucks! It will never ever happen!

 

[AnnieMae]

I was set up and my life just keeps going down the drain! Every person I meet, everything I do is wrong. This damn psychologist has ruined my life! She knew how my ex was, now she is telling me it takes time, just like everyone else. I can’t escape my life. I will never be happy again. It was all fake. My life is not fun. Because I was set up and I can’t fix the problem, nothing will change. Any time I have a positive thought, it is delusional.