My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

How did it ruin your life? I'm not disagreeing, just asking. Cos your answer could help us find other solutions to what you're dealing with.

I lost so much trust in people that it has ruined my life. I can’t form decent relationships with anyone any more. My work relationships have suffered, I have been ruined financially, my confidence is at an all time low, I can’t deal with my emotions. Every mistake I make is held against me, like not latching a door in error.

How did it ruin your life? I'm not disagreeing, just asking. Cos your answer could help us find other solutions to what you're dealing with.

It has ruined my trust in people. It has also caused me such bad anxiety that I freak out all the time. I’ve made really bad decisions because of it- left a good job, spent a ton of money, increased my smoking and when I drink I am a mess. The emotions are kill me. Opening up to other people has made me see that I am not who I think I am. I am a weak, under achiever in life that will never be good enough for other people. I will need have a relationship again. I should have been using the last 5 years to put my life back together, but instead I was freaking out so bad that I missed so much stuff. I am tired all the time. Sad, bored, but not happy with my life. I ruin every good thing that comes my way with my actions. I can’t move forward. I can’t form quality relationships because of myself. It’s awful.

 

[AnnieMae]

Everyone else in life can move on. I can’t get rid of the feelings and things associated with all of this. I am not good at making friends, and it is haunting me for the rest of my life. I will never be able to meet anyone because no one is interested in me anyway. I’ve been beat up so bad by the world that I can’t fix it. I pretend like everything is ok even though it’s not. And it’s messing with me. My life is so out of control. I can’t be in a relationship with anyone. Every time I open up to people it backfires in my face. It’s awful. My ex lied about everything and told me he did but that doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter to the world that he did it on purpose. He told me he did it because he was spiteful. But I can’t move on. I messed up my life by being in a relationship with him. I have my own faults to change and I can’t even focus on those because of all of this.

 

[AnnieMae]

Ugh...bad stomach flu today. Awful cramps and feeling like crap. I just wish I could feel better. Also wish things in my life would get better. How does everyone else do it??? I used to be so happy until everyone turned on me. I can’t stop shopping or smoking. It’s insane. And pulling myself together to act same again is hard. I am screaming on the inside...in addition to the stomach pains. It just sucks to see your life go to pieces and not be able to get what you had. The thing that sucks the most is that my life is going no where. No promotions, no real love, nothing. I think I will be this way forever because I have a charge on me and I can’t stop thinking about it. No one knows how he set me up. And I can’t think of a way out of my life. I hate it so much. I meet guys that want to tell me what to wear, who I can handgun out with and when. What the hell???? I’ve gotten fat. He manipulates me and I was too stupid to see it. I will never be able to win with him because he knows everything about me and my life. He knows it all. He knows me inside and out. He knows what I want, what I am like, and he hates me. He uses everything against me. My therapist said I have learned helplessness, but every time I make a decision it is wrong. Ever since that night happened, my life has gone down the drain and not one single person can help me. They don’t understand what I went through. Aftertastes ex tackled me in the driveway, I started to wig out. I saw pure evil that night and now I struggle with everything. My therapist told me I wasn’t living in reality, and I wasn’t because I thought he loved me so much and things would work out. Everyone talks about having boundaries but I have none. Everything I do ends up in me being alone. Everything. I am so effed. How do you explain that he talked me out of so many things, then wanted me to come back? Said he would do things, then didn’t??? How do you explain being arrested when you called the cops because he pulled a gun on you and then lied to them and said he didn’t????? I have no faith in the justice system or in life in general. Everything is a dead end. Not to mention that my dad has stage 4 cancer that will probably get worse. I can’t get my damn PTSD under control. I don’t think I ever will. I hate taking all these meds for it.

 

[AnnieMae]

No one believes me, but my life is going to hell in a hand basket. I can’t stop the bad things from happening l. All because of my ex. He told me he did it all to be vindictive. Now, I can’t erase the past. My life is so effed and no one can help me.

 

[AnnieMae]

I was set up! I was set up! And I can’t pull my life together or fix it! He knows everything about me and used it against me! No one can help me pull my life together!!!! Not one person can help with the mental instability. The yes, no crap that happens in my mind because of him! Always changing always confusing. I’ve never been so confused in my life! My life is screwed because of him! He was mean, he was spiteful and now MY life is ruined because of it! Always making up stories! I told you to REFINANCE the truck, not that I wanted it. You throw everything back in my face, and I can’t take it anymore! I hate you and my life because of you! You asshole! I feel like shit! Absolute crap!! You pulled a gun on me and lied about it to the police! I gave you money and you never paid me back! And now my life sucks! I don’t care what anyone thinks! People don’t know what it’s like to struggle with your identity because of being maliciously manipulated! It hurts so bad! It sucks so bad! And not knowing who to depend on sucks! I can’t take it anymore!!!!!!!! ?

 

[AnnieMae]

I am a narcissist and a loser. I always think I’m right. Everton thinks I’m lying but it’s the damn truth. Good things are not happening to me anymore and I am depressed. I thought I had the best life, and now that I’m living in the moment, it is too much. I think if I tell people the truth that they will sympathize??? Ha! Nope!

 

[AnnieMae]

I’m losing my family because of all this. No one gets it. The pain in my body sucks. Everything sucks.

 

[AnnieMae]

It’s too late to fix my life and the destruction of PTSD. I am so screwed. Therapy forever, bad relationships and being alone. Forever. I have no real friends. I can’t make relationships. Trust??? What is that??? Who can I trust...every therapist has a different opinion. I had such a good life and now it’s for sh*t and no one can help me. Not one person. I can never get a new job. I can never move up in the world because of life circumstances. My life will never improve. Pills, therapy, and being broke as all hell. Everyone has these great relationships, but not me. I never will because I’m crazy. Everyone tells me how crazy I am. Well, not everyone. Just my ex and some of my family. I hate feeling this way. I hate it! Everything I do is wrong! I messed up my life believing in love. Love is not real and does not exist. I am too stupid to figure that out. It will never happen to me again. I will always be screwed over and look over those that actually are potential people. But once they find out about my past and see how I am, they won’t like me.

 

[AnnieMae]

My life is so messed up that I will never recover. I can’t fix my job, and I can’t find a new one that pays me as much or more. I have no people skills. I don’t trust myself because everything blew up in my face. I get more depressed every day and the only thing I can do is change my perspective. I can’t change anything else in life. I was arrested and I have a charge on me. I put on a fake face to the world and pretend I am happy because I have to to get through life. People don’t really care. They don’t understand what you have gone through, how much you’re struggling and how you are trapped in life. Nothing feels right. And all I have are regrets. I’m bored, I’m nervous, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m a bitch. I can’t move up in the world. Everything just came crashing down on me. I have to change everything about myself to please the world just to get by. I don’t know how I feel because everyone has told me how I am supposed to feel. Well, they do t know the amount of pressure and stress I am dealing with. Afraid of being arrested again. Afraid of being set up again and acting like a complete lunatic while simultaneously watching my life go down the drain. My family is so far away. I am sad and lonely and can’t find someone to be in a relationship with. It’s all messed up. Everything I do is wrong. All the time.

 

[AnnieMae]

Every decision I have ever made regarding people has been bad. Awful. Horrid. Every single one of them.

 

[AnnieMae]

What do you do when someone completely sets you up so that you fail and it is permanently on your record? What happens when someone was so out to get you that they ruined your life and there is nothing you can do to fix it???? When no one believes you but a therapist? When no one cares? When you can’t pull yourself out of the hole you were swept into????

 

[AnnieMae]

I trust all the wrong people. My life is literally going down the drain! Literally!!!! I hate everything about my life! Dating sucks, but I don’t want to be alone! I am sleeping with a guy that is totally using me and I don’t even care! Do you know how bad it is to do the right thing when you have someone that effed you over so bad????? Do you?!?!?! That damn judge doesn’t even realize how shitty it is that I was charged with domestic violence. When you go to a friends house and wake up to this person rubbing your a** and realizing that if you date someone else, they could do the same? Boundaries my a***! No one can help me figure anything out, so now my life is totally ruined and no one can help me!!!!!!!! I hate my life! I want to be married, have fun, have children and lose weight, but I can’t even do that!!!! I am too lazy for anything! I ask for all this damn help, but the help I get is not what I need! No one can truly help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!