My diary of random thoughts

[mumstheword]

They is my family and friends telling me that things will get better. Telling me to let things go. Here is the problem with DBT-the emotions don’t change. I just can’t change them because I was set up. I knew this person for 7 years and he pulled a gun on me, stole my money and lied to the police. Told me how shitty I was, that my emotions don’t matter and I was too emotional. He told me that you had to break a person down and build them back up. I thought he was kidding. He told me my family sucked, told me I looked for approval from people. He told me I was better than my family. He told me I was fat, told my family I let myself go, pulled me in and sucked me out. The therapist tells me that I need to get to know someone, well, I got to know him, fell in love and never knew he owned a gun. My life has changed 100% because of him. I freaked the hell out all over people and I am scared of being set up again, and being arrested again and getting into trouble again. None of this is making me feel better. I open up about these things to people and they either judge me and throw it in my face or they accept me and I’m a baby. I hate my life because I wasn’t aware of all this stuff until it was too late. I went over to the house. My anxiety is through the roof bet my life has been turned upside down and I can’t change it. I am saving money, I am at my parents even though it’s miserable for me. I am alone all the time. and I hate it. I am so sick and tired of men throwing things back in my face and being vindictive, yet I crave a close relationship with someone. He was able to get his PPO from his ex wife removed, yet I have criminal charges on me. My whole life is screwed. I have to change and no one sees that. And if I don’t I will keep on the same path. I am so fake. I hate my life so much. I wasn’t like this before. We talk about these things in therapy. I have been on meds, tried EMDR, meditation, exposure therapy, but the fact of the matter is that the charges are always there, and people are awful, so I don’t know who I can trust anymore.

I suggest you go over and over and over the responses you got in this thread.

You are in such a state that you aren't really listening to any of us.

You are just making excuses of why it is "too hard".

It is a self-defeating loop and every single one of us have had to pull ourselves out of that very same Or similar mentally ill loops, at one time or another.

Whether it is own unwell thinking patterns or someone close to us that is affecting our dysregulation, we have to accept that yes, it feels awful, people were, and can be, terrible to us, but all is not lost. We may feel very weak but we can learn to be strong.

Your posts are full of distorted thought patterns. Cognitive distortions. No body can help you until you start to address how you are undermining yourself and your own wellbeing. What you are doing is catastrophizing.

We have all been there in one way or another, or we have been exposed to other's that do that, and have been manipulated by other's self indulgence. By that I mean the type of thinking that makes you think that you have it so much harder than other's, that someone should come along and make life easier for you. Well guess what? Life isn't easy and we all have horrible and hard shit to deal with.

Only you can address the way you think and if rereading the wisdom of people who get it, like us here, can help you overcome your habitual self defeating ways that you view yourself and your life, then do it. When you think "No one can help me" challenge that thought, because it's a lie.

What do you think we all are doing here? Taking time out of our own challenge and horror fraught lives to respond, to try to help you out. So it is you who are ignoring the help provided.

If you don't understand what we are saying to you, ask us for clarification. We want to help you and we are trying to help you and we know what we are talking about.

Go back and reread all the responses you have received here, because it sounds like you are not getting it. We can't keep repeating ourselves because you aren't listening. You need to hear us.

Take on board what we are saying to you. It does work. We can attest to it. It's only by addressing the wisdom of stabilizing thinking can you learn to self soothe. Otherwise, what you are doing is thinking yourself into a negative frenzy. Elevating yourself into such a state that you can't let anyone else help you solve your problems and you won't be able to think straight to solve your own problems and you need to learn to think yourself well.

What self care can you focus on? in the day to help you feel more in control and that you are making progress?

It could be as simple as addressing what you eat and making small changes to eat more healthily.

It could be coming here and trying to really imbibe what is being said to you.

It could be reading around the forum to see how other's are, and have, come to terms with the awful things that they have had to learn to deal with.

It could be pulling yourself up when you catch yourself berating yourself or looping in the same thoughts about "what he did to you" or "why it's all gone to shit".

You could tell yourself, firmly "Everyone has shit to deal with, I just have to find a way to get over it" and not allow yourself to go over and over and over it.

I still catch myself feeling murderous at my ex, wishing he were dead, sometimes, as he is doing his best to ruin our children's lives (May be not intentionally, just very selfishly) and I keep having to help them through hospital admissions, breakdowns, psychotic breaks and suicidality and drug induced problems of all sorts.

I have to tell myself "That's not helpful mums" . I have to tell myself that that isn't a well way to think and to make myself stop raging and get on and do something that takes my mind off that dark path.

I have to tell myself that people make their own choices and nobody can save them from the consequences of their own actions.

Just because you got conned (I don't mean just you, I mean all of us), doesn't excuse you from your own shitty and weak choices.

We all have to keep pulling ourselves up, everyday.

That is the work of recovery.

That is the work of adulthood.

That is how to become a person of integrity.

Not giving in to accepting that weakness is who we are.

Not making excuses for our own crappy behaviours and habitual negative thinking patterns.

Not being abusive in our own heads and then putting the blame on other's and giving them power over us.

You can do this @AnnieMae. We have and do, do it and we are not special. We are just everyday people. Coping with the cards we have been dealt. Trying to help you cope with yours.


Now it's up to you to help yourself. And Ask. Ask and really listen to what you are given. Everyone is trying to help you.

 

[mumstheword]

I suggest you go over and over and over the responses you got in this thread.

You are in such a state that you aren't really listening to any of us.

You are just making excuses of why it is "too hard".

It is a self-defeating loop and every single one of us have had to pull ourselves out of that very same Or similar mentally ill loops, at one time or another.

Whether it is own unwell thinking patterns or someone close to us that is affecting our dysregulation, we have to accept that yes, it feels awful, people were, and can be, terrible to us, but all is not lost. We may feel very weak but we can learn to be strong.

Your posts are full of distorted thought patterns. Cognitive distortions. No body can help you until you start to address how you are undermining yourself and your own wellbeing. What you are doing is catastrophizing.

We have all been there in one way or another, or we have been exposed to other's that do that, and have been manipulated by other's self indulgence. By that I mean the type of thinking that makes you think that you have it so much harder than other's, that someone should come along and make life easier for you. Well guess what? Life isn't easy and we all have horrible and hard shit to deal with.

Only you can address the way you think and if rereading the wisdom of people who get it, like us here, can help you overcome your habitual self defeating ways that you view yourself and your life, then do it. When you think "No one can help me" challenge that thought, because it's a lie.

What do you think we all are doing here? Taking time out of our own challenge and horror fraught lives to respond, to try to help you out. So it is you who are ignoring the help provided.

If you don't understand what we are saying to you, ask us for clarification. We want to help you and we are trying to help you and we know what we are talking about.

Go back and reread all the responses you have received here, because it sounds like you are not getting it. We can't keep repeating ourselves because you aren't listening. You need to hear us.

Take on board what we are saying to you. It does work. We can attest to it. It's only by addressing the wisdom of stabilizing thinking can you learn to self soothe. Otherwise, what you are doing is thinking yourself into a negative frenzy. Elevating yourself into such a state that you can't let anyone else help you solve your problems and you won't be able to think straight to solve your own problems and you need to learn to think yourself well.

What self care can you focus on? in the day to help you feel more in control and that you are making progress?

It could be as simple as addressing what you eat and making small changes to eat more healthily.

It could be coming here and trying to really imbibe what is being said to you.

It could be reading around the forum to see how other's are, and have, come to terms with the awful things that they have had to learn to deal with.

It could be pulling yourself up when you catch yourself berating yourself or looping in the same thoughts about "what he did to you" or "why it's all gone to shit".

You could tell yourself, firmly "Everyone has shit to deal with, I just have to find a way to get over it" and not allow yourself to go over and over and over it.

I still catch myself feeling murderous at my ex, wishing he were dead, sometimes, as he is doing his best to ruin our children's lives (May be not intentionally, just very selfishly) and I keep having to help them through hospital admissions, breakdowns, psychotic breaks and suicidality and drug induced problems of all sorts.

I have to tell myself "That's not helpful mums" . I have to tell myself that that isn't a well way to think and to make myself stop raging and get on and do something that takes my mind off that dark path.

I have to tell myself that people make their own choices and nobody can save them from the consequences of their own actions.

Just because you got conned (I don't mean just you, I mean all of us), doesn't excuse you from your own shitty and weak choices.

We all have to keep pulling ourselves up, everyday.

That is the work of recovery.

That is the work of adulthood.

That is how to become a person of integrity.

Not giving in to accepting that weakness is who we are.

Not making excuses for our own crappy behaviours and habitual negative thinking patterns.

Not being abusive in our own heads and then putting the blame on other's and giving them power over us.

You can do this @AnnieMae. We have and do, do it and we are not special. We are just everyday people. Coping with the cards we have been dealt. Trying to help you cope with yours.


Now it's up to you to help yourself. And Ask. Ask and really listen to what you are given. Everyone is trying to help you.

Oh I got mixed up with this and the other thread, the anxiety thread, but there is lots of good advice on this thread too. I would reread and reread all the responses given on both threads, if I were you.
Just sayin'

 

[DharmaGirl]

@AnnieMae, my abuse started at 3 years old. It went on and on and on. When I was 52 I had a complete breakdown, lost my career as an RN, lost most of my friends, and had 8 serious suicide attempts in one year. I brought myself back on tiny step at a time. You can too if you choose to do it, but you have to start.

 

[AnnieMae]

@AnnieMae, my abuse started at 3 years old. It went on and on and on. When I was 52 I had a complete breakdown, lost my career as an RN, lost most of my friends, and had 8 serious suicide attempts in one year. I brought myself back on tiny step at a time. You can too if you choose to do it, but you have to start.

I try so hard, at bringing myself together mentally. It is so hard. All I want is to live a good life and have a good husband that I also have feelings for. Well, everyone keeps telling me it takes time, but it’s people that I can’t deal with, but need them in my life to be fulfilled. Everything is so messed up, I can’t take it. It takes 2 people to have a relationship and I am just so scared I won’t ever find one that works. I can’t take it anymore. ? It’s really stupid, I know. But I can’t take hurting people either. Those people that know I don’t have feelings towards them then leave. Don’t want to be friends. Messed up. Find yourself, find yourself. Know who you are. I keep hearing that, but then it’s just constant rejection and constant feeling bad. I am going to get myself in a bad situation with this whole damn charge on me, and feelings, and all this other stuff. Just constant being afraid, but doing things to break the cycle. But things are a mess. Except work, where things are ok. Everything is drama, drama, drama since I met him and he left me with it. Forever. I have to work twice as hard at everything because of him. And I hate this relationship stuff. I just want love. Dumb as it sounds. Love. Can’t find it. Can’t keep it. Damn....being alone and not having people in your life other than your family sucks. It just keeps getting harder and harder and worse and worse. Be alone to get to your goals that you won’t achieve or have people in your life that suck and use you. Hmmmm...and if I don’t have feelings for someone I feel bad. I hate this so much.

 

[AnnieMae]

I suggest you go over and over and over the responses you got in this thread.

You are in such a state that you aren't really listening to any of us.

You are just making excuses of why it is "too hard".

It is a self-defeating loop and every single one of us have had to pull ourselves out of that very same Or similar mentally ill loops, at one time or another.

Whether it is own unwell thinking patterns or someone close to us that is affecting our dysregulation, we have to accept that yes, it feels awful, people were, and can be, terrible to us, but all is not lost. We may feel very weak but we can learn to be strong.

Your posts are full of distorted thought patterns. Cognitive distortions. No body can help you until you start to address how you are undermining yourself and your own wellbeing. What you are doing is catastrophizing.

We have all been there in one way or another, or we have been exposed to other's that do that, and have been manipulated by other's self indulgence. By that I mean the type of thinking that makes you think that you have it so much harder than other's, that someone should come along and make life easier for you. Well guess what? Life isn't easy and we all have horrible and hard shit to deal with.

Only you can address the way you think and if rereading the wisdom of people who get it, like us here, can help you overcome your habitual self defeating ways that you view yourself and your life, then do it. When you think "No one can help me" challenge that thought, because it's a lie.

What do you think we all are doing here? Taking time out of our own challenge and horror fraught lives to respond, to try to help you out. So it is you who are ignoring the help provided.

If you don't understand what we are saying to you, ask us for clarification. We want to help you and we are trying to help you and we know what we are talking about.

Go back and reread all the responses you have received here, because it sounds like you are not getting it. We can't keep repeating ourselves because you aren't listening. You need to hear us.

Take on board what we are saying to you. It does work. We can attest to it. It's only by addressing the wisdom of stabilizing thinking can you learn to self soothe. Otherwise, what you are doing is thinking yourself into a negative frenzy. Elevating yourself into such a state that you can't let anyone else help you solve your problems and you won't be able to think straight to solve your own problems and you need to learn to think yourself well.

What self care can you focus on? in the day to help you feel more in control and that you are making progress?

It could be as simple as addressing what you eat and making small changes to eat more healthily.

It could be coming here and trying to really imbibe what is being said to you.

It could be reading around the forum to see how other's are, and have, come to terms with the awful things that they have had to learn to deal with.

It could be pulling yourself up when you catch yourself berating yourself or looping in the same thoughts about "what he did to you" or "why it's all gone to shit".

You could tell yourself, firmly "Everyone has shit to deal with, I just have to find a way to get over it" and not allow yourself to go over and over and over it.

I still catch myself feeling murderous at my ex, wishing he were dead, sometimes, as he is doing his best to ruin our children's lives (May be not intentionally, just very selfishly) and I keep having to help them through hospital admissions, breakdowns, psychotic breaks and suicidality and drug induced problems of all sorts.

I have to tell myself "That's not helpful mums" . I have to tell myself that that isn't a well way to think and to make myself stop raging and get on and do something that takes my mind off that dark path.

I have to tell myself that people make their own choices and nobody can save them from the consequences of their own actions.

Just because you got conned (I don't mean just you, I mean all of us), doesn't excuse you from your own shitty and weak choices.

We all have to keep pulling ourselves up, everyday.

That is the work of recovery.

That is the work of adulthood.

That is how to become a person of integrity.

Not giving in to accepting that weakness is who we are.

Not making excuses for our own crappy behaviours and habitual negative thinking patterns.

Not being abusive in our own heads and then putting the blame on other's and giving them power over us.

You can do this @AnnieMae. We have and do, do it and we are not special. We are just everyday people. Coping with the cards we have been dealt. Trying to help you cope with yours.


Now it's up to you to help yourself. And Ask. Ask and really listen to what you are given. Everyone is trying to help you.

I am so sorry that you have deal with all of that. I am just confused as to which choices to make. It is hard to let people down and also be let down at the same time. I am so confused. I have read a lot of the stories on here and I see what people have gone through and it breaks my heart. I am just so torn between so many things because of this. Trust is a huge issue for me, yet I just go and get involved with people I don’t know. Then they throw it all back in my face. Weird....I appreciate your comments and knowing that it does help. Thank you

 

[AnnieMae]

I am so dissatisfied in myself for choosing the same kind of people, but it’s hard not to. It sucks. I struggle with going with my feelings vs making choices with my head that make me feel awful. The thing that makes it the worst is someone using it against me. Happens all the time and is weird.

 

[AnnieMae]

I was the one in and out of a mental health facility because of all of this. He tried to get me to say I am bipolar, but was never diagnosed as bipolar before. He said he would help me, but never did. I trusted the wrong person, so it’s hard for me to trust again. Along with dating. I know which guys I can trust there, but it’s not ones that I feel anything for and I feel guilty for it, even though I am told I should not.

 

[AnnieMae]

No one prepared me for how much life would suck. This is ridiculous. I have to deal with so much because of him???? Damn....and ptsd messes up your life so bad. Not knowing who you are messed up your life too. Wanting what you can’t have and realizing that your dreams are not reality is a complete let down. What you want doesn’t happen and what others push on you is depressing. Therapy is depressing and life is depressing. Wow! I see all these people that are so happy and then I am told not to compare my life to theirs when that is what I want.

 

[AnnieMae]

I wish I had real friends and people that really wanted to be with me. But, I look over the good ones and go for the bad ones. But, they don’t like me, and stupidly it hurts. Yet, going for the good ones makes me unhappy.

 

[AnnieMae]

I do have one very serious question- when does feeling like a psycho (I have no other way to describe it) go away? The weirdness of thoughts back and forth?

 

[joeylittle]

when does feeling like a psycho (I have no other way to describe it) go away? The weirdness of thoughts back and forth?

Re: feeling like a 'psycho' - do you mean, being overwhelmed by your emotions and thoughts?

Or, something else?

Bottom line: it only starts getting better when you start working on it.

 

[AnnieMae]

How do you process all of this when you can’t tell who is good, who is bad, and who will flip out on you? Every thing that doesn’t go as planned is like tearing open the wounds again. Damn...so many things I wish I would have know back then...I wish I could truly live in the moment and feel ok about myself. The constant fear of being screwed over and arrested again or lied to is just unnerving. Also, messing up or having things go wrong even though they always do. Aghhh!