My dog died today

[mamachick]

About a month ago my dog was sick and had to have abdominal surgery. She came home fine but about 5 days later had an episode where she fell over and couldn't get up, was weak, tremors, gazed, etc. Got her in hospital and Dr said it wasn't good. By the next day, she was walking again and 95% normal. That was about 2 weeks ago. I have hardly left her since then. Yesterday I had dr appt and went to dinner w friend. I came home and she was fine. Then about 9pm she had another episode. I laid with her on the kitchen floor for about 2 hours. Her breathing was difficult. At times she couldn't get to her feet. Then she would get up and go away from me. Finally I left her and laid on couch and checked on her periodically. I fell asleep for a short time and when I awoke she was gone. She was 9 and had a really good life. I rescued her at 4 wks when she had a broken leg that the shelter was going to amputate. We saved her leg. I have another dog 2 yrs older. I am feeling so sad, of course I am, but I also start racking my brain about what else I could have done to save her, how she got sick. The vet said it was cerebral the first time. He called this a seizure. I guess I could have got her in on emergency last night but did not because I don't want her to live having seizures all the time like this. Also, when is the right time to let God do his work. She recovered last time without treatment but at the vets hospital just being observed. I spent about $2000 on credit this month for surgery and 2nd admission. I tend to feel quietly about everything and have been working on this issue, but I feel it slipping in.

The healthier part of me is remembering some Buddhist info such as pain being caused by attachment and true love is doing what best for the other, not for own attachment issues. Using the rainbow bridge poem, and trying to be accepting.

Do others here have guilt issues that you know are not realistic but slip up on you?

 

[Enaila]

My condolences. I felt terribly guilty when I was escaping from my abuser with two young boys one and four. My abuser, their dad left his big dog at my house when we separated. He refused to take the dog he always wanted. I suppose it was just as well as he was abusive to the dog too. Problem was, it was a big dog, I couldn't have animals where I was escaping to and I just didn't have the energy to care for two little ones and a big dog. I surrendered him at the only shelter in the area. After I surrendered him and was walking out door trying not to cry, the official made comment big dogs were hard to place. It wasn't a no kill shelter. I have felt guilty about the dog since. I pray he was adopted. I didn't have knowledge of dog rescues back then.

I currently have a 19 year old cat I am going to have to make decision about soon. I pray she goes peacefully as having a pet put down, like I've had to do in past, left me with the "what if..." guilt like you described. We are human and only can do so much. Some things are out of our hands.

 

[Sighs]

My veteran’ mare had a still born foal. He felt he should have done something different. About two months later his service dog was killed by a brown snake. We spent $2500 in vet bills trying to save her but she couldn’t be saved. Again, he felt it was his fault.

I know for him these are major triggers to incidents where he feels he should have prevented civilian casualties, but couldn’t.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure that you did all you could. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm very sorry @brat17 :(:cry: :hug::hug:.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Junebug.

Sighs I am so sorry for you and your vet. Loosing our pets is horrible, especially when we somehow believe it could have been avoided.

The first time this happened (seizure or whatever) 2 weeks ago, I had to wait almost 2 hours to get her to the vet because I could not carry her downstairs and to the car. (she is 60 lb. and I am weak, and I feared dropping her and tearing her incisions open, etc) This time, again I was alone for the first 2 hours. My vet called it an "episode" but did not say seizure the first time.

Today he called it a seizure. I googled and it says seizures rarely last more than 5 minutes, and if they do, put a fan on the dog and cold wash clothes until you can get immediate vet emergency care. Also said that benzodianipines can help this seizure.I did not know that, but they need to be cool. Now I wonder if I could have saved her. My vet is the best, and he did not tell me any of these things or put her on anti seizure meds. I am not blaming him. Somehow I think I should have understood things and words he never used the 1st time.

Im crazy! Then I start analyzing and wonder if I don't look to blame myself to avoid the grief I actually feel. I think Im just nuts. But yes, it feels like my ptsd is triggered. Now I have such fear my 11 yr old lab will die soon. I even caught myself checking on him to see he is breathing when he is sleeping. I am between panic and tears.

I feel for your loss. It hurts so bad. I don't trust a lot in this world, but my dogs I trust!
Hugs accepted, and (((hugs))) back

 

[ms spock]

I am so sorry that you lost your dog.

I too, feel guilt, when I really did all that was possible. Be self compassionate to yourself if you can.

 

[mamachick]

Enailai, you made the right choice. You saved your children. You did what you had to do. They should not have told you that big dogs are hard to place. I know many who have adopted big dogs. My daughter just adopted a 100 lb dog.

I feel for you about the decision with your cat. I had to have my dog put down in 2007 when he could no longer walk. I didn't feel the guilt as it was humane, but I cried off and on for months.

We love our animals.

 

[ladee]

I felt guilt for a long long time after having my 24 yrs old constant companion cat put down after she started having seizures. Could I have waited longer, on and on... and the truth is... when I took her to the vet, she didn't fight, she didn't do anything but let them lay her down for the injection.... she was tired. She was sick... and it was the humane thing to do... didn't make the missing her any easier... I still miss her , a lot.
I am so sorry for the loss of your trusted friend.... I can only hope, that each of us will be met 'on the other side' by all the beautiful animals that have blessed our lives.... sending you tender hugs... you were with her, that is the most important thing ever. She was not alone..

 

[Fadeaway]

you did everything you could do.
I know your dog knew that. let yourself grieve the end of a beautiful and cherished life. I send honor and respect to your dogs soul where ever they may be now.

 

[mamachick]

ladee that is exactly how I feel. I made a choice to lay with her instead of calling the vet who might tell me to bring her in, which I would have to find help again to do. I trusted that this is Gods will, not mine. At times I thought she was dying, at times she got up and moved and I thought she would pull through. Im babbling....it doesn't make it any easier. My heart is so heavy and I miss her so much. I just can imagine life without her. I too hope we will be met on the other side by our loving animals. Thank you!

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Fadeaway. I know my dog knew that. She wouldn't let me be with her while she passed. I don't know if it is a form of her protecting me. She was a very needy dog, she wanted all the attention all the time. She would put her head under my arm to pet her constantly. Im sure she was traumatized and of course 4 weeks is too young to leave her momma, but she was discarded. She had a lot of anxiety. She had a problem eating humans belongings and her entire life. I expected a blockage when ever she got a hold of something and ate it. (socks, headbands, a sleeve, her bedding, my blanket while I slept). I tried to always keep things away but the occasional accident. I felt relief each time she passed the item. She sometimes hid when she was young even though she was given so much love. She got over hiding when one of us came in the room, but still was a nervous baby. Like a ptsd dog, if there is such a thing. She was also the most affectionate dog I have ever seen, at least for a larger dog. My daughter in college begged me to take her just after I was diagnosed with ptsd. I didn't want to, I already had a 2.5 yr old lab. I did rescue her with some hesitation, but soon she was such a part of our family that I never regretted it. My lab accepted her and her need for attention over him. He became the clown of the house to get attention. Once he grabbed my $20's off the coffee table and ran. He loves taking our shoes and stuff but gently and he never damaged anything. They were best friends. When they slept, they spooned until a couple years ago when he started aging more.

Its a funny thing with dogs, it makes me wonder "who rescues who" at times.

When my health began to fail, I was so glad they had each other as companions, as well as motivate me to get up and care for them. It pushed me to spend time outside in warm weather rather than hold up in the house. Yes, I fed them, played with them, cared for them, filled their pool and played with them, but they care for me and are so loyal. They lifted my spirits when I felt I had nothing else. They were there when my daughters turned their backs on me.

Im worried about how he will adjust to her being gone. And Im afraid of loosing him too since he is now 11.5 yrs old. I couldnt walk them both without help because they were too strong for me to handle. Now I will try to start walking him and taking him for more car rides.

I have so much anxiety right now that I feel I need an extra xanax just to sleep a little bit. I can't do that because I know that it caused problems. I realize that I do not know how to soothe my pain very well. I just don't know how. Im sick to my stomach. Then I get mad at myself....Im not the first person to loose a loved fur baby. I feel weak.