General My Husband Asked Me To Share This...

[ProudWife99]

As he begins to use better coping mechanisms to deal with his PTSD, I am trying to get used to being part of a team, instead of independently taking care of myself WHILE supporting him. Tonight, I was telling him that even though I have a much better understanding of PTSD now than I did then, I still feel hurt at how mean he could be to me. I hurt at how hurtful he is capable of being. I told him how often I hear of others who feel the same way I do and how difficult it can be to "get back to normal" even if he was feeling better.

Sorry...rambling on... Anyway, he told me that he felt so much guilt and shame for the things he did during combat, but had no where to channel it. He said he was not aware of it, but the shame was too much to carry "for no reason" so he created one. He created something to feel guilty and shameful about, hurting me.

I'll disect how I feel about all of that later, but following our conversation he said "If the people you know are dealing with this stuff...you should tell them it isn't their fault, that they didn't do anything to deserve it."

I know all of our situations are different, but they are all very much alike as well. I hope someone reads that who may be experiencing those heartbreaking moments right now, and finds a little strength from it. Strait from the horses mouth...I swear it.

"It isn't their fault and they didn't do anything to deserve it."

PW

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shame is a terrible thing. it tortures so. I have surely struggled with this is my life. My heart goes out to you

 

[PTSDMama]

Thanks for sharing this and sorry the two of you are hurting! This is wonderful for him to have told you that.

 

[JohnJohn]

Thank you for you and your husbands words. Trying to not resent loved ones while they push us away or cope as best as they can is certainly another hurdle we most overcome before we truely let them back into our lives. We support them, but I feel so concerned also letting them get close too again to hurt us again down the road.

 

[sisu]

My guy is military too. He and I have talked about the guilt he feels many times. Instead of lashing out at me, he tends to turn his anger inward and punishes himself from time to time. If something bad happens to him, his mind tells him that he deserves it because of the things he saw and the things he did. He even confessed his "sins" to a priest when he got back from Afghanistan. I tell him whenever this subject comes up that he did what he had to do - for his country, for his men and for himself. He didn't choose to do those things, he had no choice.

The other thing he says that is truly heartbreaking is that he says he lives a "suicidal life". Not that he would ever commit suicide - because of his kids, his family and me - but that just because he wouldn't do it, doesn't make the feeling of wanting it go away. He says the war has never stopped for him - it is always in his head. :cry:

I hope he knows how much I love him. Even more, he is my best friend, my drinking buddy and my comedic side-kick. Because of how I feel about him and because of what he has done for our country - I truly feel very honored to be with this man.

 

[Tifanee]

Thank you for you and your husbands words. Trying to not resent loved ones while they push us away or cope as best as they can is certainly another hurdle we most overcome before we truely let them back into our lives. We support them, but I feel so concerned also letting them get close too again to hurt us again down the road.

I am working through some resentment now, and I don't know how to discuss with him. Trying not to tip-toe around it but like PW, my love can get mean and taunts me when he is having a PTSD moment. It hurts but there is no compromise or negotiation during those moments. I hesitate to bring it up later for fear it will cause the same behavior.

I love my man but need to set up boundaries so we are each accountable for our behavior. I am hoping over time to have mini-conversations with him to create these boundaries without having to have a heavy conversation. I want to be close to my love but I need to get back to my normal.

 

[Tinyflame]

Those are kind words PW99.

I wonder, how much of ptsd is affected by (toxic) shame or guilt, irrespective of the cause? I mean, just to imagine- how would any of us feel, to remove past shame or guilt, current (in terms of where we are now or are struggling to get to or maintain), or feeling burdensome, etc?
Perhaps it's the mind's way of going back and trying to 're-write' an ending? :tdown:

I'm just thinking, how much easier it would be on 'us', if that could be 'forgotten', (and for those who have it) so much easier on family or loved ones, irregardless of the symptoms being there or which ones are most prevalent.

 

[Eleanor]

PW - thank you for passing this along, and your H for saying it. It is this kind of realization/communication that makes PTSD relationships not merely abusive. My H has started becoming more ... how do I say it ... verbally attached to reality? That is, he says less bullshit things, and more real stuff.

Rambling? You didn't even get to the point of starting to ramble.:D

Sisu, I am worrying a bit about "not his fault" tho. Not to cast blame, but figuring out how the responsibility for traumatic events falls out is pretty tricky under the best of circumstances. For some people figuring out what they do and don't need to take responsibility for is a big part of their healing. Because of a conversation I had with my H yesterday I am feeling a bit sensitive about "minimizing" feelings - and guilt is a feeling. I'm just worrying a bit that blanket denials of responsibility (which may not be at all what you did, sisu, although this is in response to what you said) may not be very helpful overall. People do bad things in combat zones, and in life. They do things they shouldn't have done, and things that seemed best at the time and in retrospect seem really bad. The question is what to do about it NOW. Appropriate and realistic guilt can be a world changing motivator. Inappropriate or unexamined guilt leads to... more bad stuff. Don't know quite what I'm trying to say here... just worrying (I think I really AM rambling tho, so I'll quit)

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree Eleanor.
Also, maybe what means more is being able to 'say it' (talk about it). And then there is feedback also.

 

[sisu]

Thank you Eleanor - I hadn't considered that perspective. I do try to be careful how I word things when he opens up about the guilt he feels. Because I love him, I want to make it all go away. But as you stated, I may be somehow minimilizing his feelings. I love learning new things every day on this site. Thank you!

 

[Eleanor]

Me too!

On the other hand....
There is a great scene on NCIS - I'll try to find it - where Abby is feeling really torn up and guilty about something and Gibbs (ever supportive!) says, "Yeah, I guess it is all your fault." And she just tears into him about how it is NOT her fault and... on and on and on. And she figures out how it does all fit together, and of course he didn't really think it was her faulty and... Anyway it was a super healing moment and I wish I could DO stuff like that. (Sorry, NCIS freak moment. Must work on that.):D:alien:

 

[ProudWife99]

I truly cherish those real moments with him. He has more of them lately and I am so appreciative of that. I've been in a really bitter, angry place with him lately. When he is able to share like that, it lightens the "load" a little bit.

Eleanor, I think that is excellent advice - and some his T gave to me a while ago. She said if I wanted him to stop directing his ugly guilt and shame at me, I had to recognize that he has guilt and shame and not attempt to coddle him. Much like you said, if they are feeling guilty about something they did that is their guilt to work through, not our guilt to try and sweep under the rug. Does that make sense?

Junebug- I so often wish I could go back and rewrite endings. My own and his. Sometimes I close my eyes and wonder what life would be life if he had not hurt so bad...but much like the "Wish with a twist" thread here...I find that I may not have gotten what I wanted that way either. I mean, I hate what he has been through and the pain he feels and has caused, but wishing it away may end up with a result far from what I would find desirable. Like..not having him in my life at all. That would suck. Most days....;)