My husband is codependent and it's driving me crazy

[Mach123]

Sounds like us. We go back and forth. Sometimes you get tired of telling yourself things could be worse. We really worked a bunch of stuff out though and things are better. We have 2 handicapped daughters that we care for full time and 4 kids out of the house (mostly). We have grown a lot closer now. It's a long long story, 29 years in Dec. It's not easy. Being bitchy is part of the fun!

 

[Gs172003]

Sounds like us. We go back and forth. Sometimes you get tired of telling yourself things could be wor...

How did you do it? I don't want to be like this

 

[Mach123]

Well, thanks for asking. Have you read my stuff? I'm only asking because it's such a long story and I did write about it a lot. I try to stay on me though because her stuff is hers? I don't really psychoanalyze her. Also, though she is deeply involved in my therapy and I have told her almost everything, she's not my therapist. I have let myself bitch about her especially in my diary from time to time but at the end of the day, she saved me in so many ways and I really do love her. (It means different things to different people) I believe in love, I always have.

That being said:

She beat the hell out of me for years. Mostly because I asked her to. Not in words, that's what I do. It's a pathology. We came back from a really dark time. I started getting a little better in therapy and we were fighting about something as usual and I started to laugh. She looked at me really funny. I said, "you're beating the hell out of me." She said, "no I'm not." I laughed some more. (she always denied everything she was doing, it was so easy for her, I was such an easy target.) I said, "You've been doing it all these years and I'm not going to let you do it anymore." This voice I was speaking in, I guess I never heard it before. I think she looked at me like that because she never heard it before either. I just kept that up. I was like "Look I love you and we can get a divorce or whatever, and you can say anything you want to me but you're not going to use me for a punching bag anymore because that's over." Then I laughed. I mean, I really laughed, and then one day, she started some sh*t with me and I just looked over at her and I cracked up and then she cracked up. I knew then we were going to be ok or we made it past that part anyway. I knew she knew. I knew she saw it.

It's different now. We're different. I've been in trauma therapy for about 5 years. We grew together. We understand a lot of what happened and why. Understanding helps so much. We are more intimate. We don't really fight anymore, not like how it was. We laugh much more. This is one of my favorite lines and I've said it on here before but, I used to try and make my wife cry. Now I try and make her laugh. I couldn't laugh all those years. I was in really rough shape for a really long time.

 

[Gs172003]

Well, thanks for asking. Have you read my stuff? I'm only asking because it's such a long story and I...

This. This is what I want. Thank you so much for sharing. I will read your stuff. Thank you.

 

[Nessa7]

I come from a family full of codependents. One of the problems I've had talking to other people about it is that it shows in a million tiny ways. There isn't always a big example to point to, but all of the little things combine to be a big problem.

You mentioned that your hasband would bring up how much therapy costs. My family will repeatedly say how inconvenient it is. I have a relative that takes me occasionally, and I'll hear all about how he complaines about it, even though he complaines just as much when he does not get to take me. When I do occasionally give in and move an appointment, I'll get to hear all about how they never meant that I should not go.

They will also try and do things for me that I can just as easily do myself. Sometimes they will yell and rant about it even as they won't let me get near it.

In my case, the people in my life were raised to be this way. They would treat anyone with any sort of weakness like this if they were unable to stand up for themselves.

The most helpful thing for me has been to start pointing out in the moment that something is upsetting for me. If I try to address it later, it doesn't do any good.

 

[Gs172003]

I come from a family full of codependents. One of the problems I've had talking to other people about i...

I will keep all this in mind. Thanks.

 

[anthony]

Looking at your history here, I think you need to look at you, and stop blaming him. You quite honestly, from my view, treat him like shit. You bring him on here, then blame him, insult him, list goes on... (little of which you did prior to him having an account here -- likely your idea, not his) then carry on like its all him, not you. That is called -- abuse. Honestly, I think you have some crazy going on within you that you need to work on you, stop focusing on him being the excuse for your thoughts, actions and decisions.

 

[Gs172003]

Looking at your history here, I think you need to look at you, and stop blaming him. You quite honestly, fr...

You know what? You're wrong. This is pretty sad coming from the owner of the site. But that's ok . Had you bothered to read everything I've written I wasn't blaming him. The things you just said were absolutely uncalled for. I'm done.

 

[anthony]

This is pretty sad coming from the owner of the site.

Being the owner of the site has nothing to do with the truth. Truth is truth... yes? I am direct. Too the point. Don't beat around the bush with bullshit about what needs to be said or discussed.

 

[Mee]

Truthful and direct is not the same as offensive. You can say everything you said that you feel Anthony, without putting it in those terms. By using terms like that you take what may or may not be constructive advice ( I am deliberately NOT going to give opinion on that now zoogirl is not here) and turn it into something not pleasant. And there IS a power deferential; it applies in many situations and this is one. I see it because I hesitated to speak up because I recognise I will likely be banned for voicing my opinion on your language and the power deferential.

Language used is what can take opinion to verbal assault. People then like to say ’its just the truth’ or ’i was only joking’ to escape the consequences of the damage their words can do. Do you think your opinion was heard in the way you phrased your truth? Do you think it had potential to spread concern among us? Because you have frightened me.

 

[Friday]

I recognise I will likely be banned for voicing my opinion

That’s not how we do things, here, and not how bans work.

I’m not going to go more into that here & now because how the forum operates is a subject to take to help Tickets. I would suggest, however, that you read the community constitution & staff policy which outlines how the community does work.

If you -or anyone else- have more questions/comments/concerns on this subject please take them to Help Tickets.

 

[anthony]

And there IS a power deferential; it applies in many situations and this is one.

Actually, there isn't. I did not ban the member. I did not even consider banning the member. I was purely voicing my opinion as a member and contributor to the site. Many who exist here longterm, say many things to me, none of which I ban them for being honest. I ban people for stupid shit they do here which is highly irregular to anything else going on, i.e. a bunch of members who conspired with others to cause hell across the site in some nonsense protest -- I banned those who egged them on. I don't ban people for getting the shits with me or my view.

If you have issue with bans or such, raise a help ticket. If you have issue with me... knock yourself out and voice away. I really don't care about most stuff, especially honesty. You have your view, I have mine. That simple, in essence. Neither is right or wrong, they're just our opinions and view of a situation.