My interactive diary; majority of my memories are blank.

[Lost in Idaho]

I can feel myself trying to make me feel like i am Less then eveyone here

 

[DandylionWishes]

I keep reading your words over & over and after this last post, I'm sorry but I have to say:

Yikers hun, this now gives me great pause & concern.

I ask a favor from you. Remove yourself & trauma (our tendencies to see the past & our patterns repeat). Then please, re-read your own words as if they were written to you from a friend and the advice you would give her or red flags that might go up for you for her sake.

A reply to a mass text saying "I love you" to a female coworker, but he believed he was texting you? A text there was a probability you'd find out about at a picnic today? Maybe something got lost in translation (electronic communication is the most brilliant form of miscommunication), but it doesn't quite make sense and if I'm not reading this wrong, I'm willing to bet this is not an isolated "oopsie" -

You're feelings are valid and purposeful. Now to discover if they are possibly distorted thinking - THAT'S the key.

I don't wish to misplace my trauma, hyper vigilance or paranoia upon your situation - but if I've learned ANYTHING from mine it is this...

• TRUST YOUR GUT -

Our brains and our hearts are idiots!! They lead us to what we want to believe or how we hope things can or might be, not what is. Our minds & hearts are easily tricked, trained & trapped - but our gut instincts are always present and always fighting for us while we tend to fight to shove them down or ignore what stares us straight in the face.

My mind & heart fought so hard against my gut I lost it. I would go a week on 3-4hrs of sleep. I'd OCD on the dumbest of projects for days - weeks! Your gut is actually getting physically ill darlin'!

I do encourage you to talk to someone (I'd not suggest your husband) a therapist would be best about this - but they can only lead you to what you already know deep down.

Be still. Breathe. Meditate on this as best you can - alone and in a peaceful setting. Ask yourself WHERE your feelings are. Mind? Heart? Gut? And try to explore what you find there - physical sensations. Do you clench your teeth when focusing on "x"? Feel your shoulders relax when you focus on "y"? Then honesty and earnestly ask your gut for what you seek - ONLY if you are prepared to listen to it and act upon it! Anything less might cause more harm than good - shame is b*tch!

I wish you strength & clarity.

~ Namaste

And why is your loving husband making you suffer through something as trivial as a picnic?
It's a picnic! You're his wife!
Priorities hun.
Take care of yourself. If he's a keeper, you can't properly love him back unless you practice self care.
Come down with a headache and go spend time with him doing something you BOTH enjoy

 

[Lost in Idaho]

We left the picnic. It was mandatory for him to be there. That's why he wanted me to go was to meet the people he works with and so that i can see i have nothing to worry about. He was more than happy to leave the moment they said he could. And yes this was the first time for the text mishap and he called me from work to tell me about it. I didn't have to find out on my own and there was only one female and like 20 men. He got texts back from the guys telling him they never knew he loved them but they love him to. He was actually really embarrassed. I know I've sent texts to my dad Instead of my husband on accident so I'm not worried about that just the feeling awkward is what was getting to me. But now we are on our way home and the pressure is lifting. Thank you guys.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I would rather him take me so i can see, near, and know what's going on than just sitting at home not knowing and my brain making up all sorts of stuff.

 

[DandylionWishes]

I would rather him take me so i can see, near, and know what's going on than just sitting at ho...

I hear you, I'm simply a concerned "friend" and a super over protective mommy can't keep her mommy boundaries in check and am driven to ask:

Why do your instincts tell you you need to see, hear and know what's actually going on?

 

[Lost in Idaho]

My new husband has been really awesome about being open with me but my past relationships proved to me how untrustworthy people can be. I would get lie after lie and told how crazy i was for assuming things just to find out i was right. I am mostly nervous of what will present itself to my mew husband more than what he will go looking for himself. I have a hard time taking people at there word. I like to know not guess. Thank you for being a friend

 

[Esterio]

i hope the picnic when ok. I am glad you where able to go.

 

[DandylionWishes]

I too am glad things went well - as I said, I'm an overprotective mommy along with a high probability of projecting my issues with trust, hyper vigilance, paranoia, etc. upon situations I should not. Please accept my apologies if I overstepped my boundaries - boundaries are a brand new concept to me which require a learning curve. It's gonna take me some time!

I am not the best at keeping up with social media/computer tech (I live in the boondocks where often service is iffy at best) ~ but I am around and you are welcome to write to me anytime.

Take good care of you hun. You deserve it and you are worth it.
~ Namaste

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmmm. New husband... and trust issues. Better deal with that as soon as possible, it is really draining on a marriage. Be really careful of the baggage you and he bring to the union, eh?

 

[Lionheart]

You only have to deal with the memories that you have. It has been my experience that some blanks will be filled in and some will not.

As for trust, it is often a core issue for trauma survivors, might want to work on this in (couples?) therapy with a trained guide.

Wishing you the best as you work to heal.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Well it's a new day. Been a long time since my last post and yet it seems like it's the very next day. Been struggling with emotions lately. Going from happy to almost shutdown mode. Been feeling like I'm old, onlu, not good enough, stupid. At other moments just fine. My husband hah been trying to deal with me and I think he's starting to get tired of my moods. We can talk but I want the shitty feelings to go away so I bring them up knowing he's tired of so much complaining. Sex is seeming like it's on the back burner not that important. Were were wanting to have a baby together but I can only conceive with ivf and that costs so damn much that it ain't gonna happen. I'm getting frustrated a lot lately and my oldest of two daughters is turning 18 in just a couple days and I feel like a failure of a mom. My step son who a month ago turned 18 won't even look at me as a mom. I feel like I'm failing as a wife and I just seem to have mostly crappy dreams anymore about stupid stuff and everyone I see a skanky dressed girl I automatically feel like I look like shit and am ugly I'm comparison that I'm terrified of my husband seeing in case he finds them attractive and ever thinks of them and not me. He says he doesn't and he doesn't treet me bad it's just my head coming up with stuff and I know that but can't make it stop. Been feeling like less of a person and don't know how to talk to my husband about it without making him feel like it's his fault. I don't feel worth it. I have no outside the family friends to talk to so I'm trying to vent on here. Right now again just crying myself to sleep. Goodnight.