My Mom Passed This Morning

[lostforgottensoul]

Im wondering now if this is going to take years to work just my mom's death out. It seems to be this long insane drawn out crazy mixed up confusing thing that never ends. Am i going to be working through this for years?

I ask because i still have a shitload to work through and i was on a roll with it, made HUGE steps, gained momentum and this stopped me cold.

I mean, it could mix in with the remainder of my junk that still needs to be worked through and im ok with that but what it feels like is a new soild brick wall that has stopped all other stuff i was doing. And i cant seem to move, anywhere in any direction. I feel so boxed in and im just wondering if this is going to be a box, for a very long time until i figure out how to take down the box and then have all the rest of my junk to still work through?

I guess its a better question for my therapist. He was out last week and im like a baby thinking "i miss my therapist!" I see him Wed but ugh! :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[Freedomfighter]

In case some dont know, I got the news that mom had retical cancer, never went to a doctor be...

I feel for you, my mom passed away two weeks ago, similar situation, diagnosed with advanced cancer, within 4 weeks she was gone. Also grew up in abusive family, and experienced most abuse from my dad, but my mom complied with him which was not easy. Yes, it is a violent ride when that happens, I so emphasize with you, it threw me into a hot cauldron of confusion, anger, pity, fear, you name it.... everything mixed up inside.

I am now at the point where I would like to just forget my family, wondering if I have to do that to move on. When something gives you that much pain than often it is easier to cut it out of your life completely, especially if you are suffering with PTSD.
Getting hounded by my dad via phone who wants to use me as his psychiatrist, after years and years of abusing his kid he actually thinks I will do him that favor.

I am just soooo disgusted by all of that, I want to just leave it behind mentally.

Then you think: o.k. they are human, they make mistakes, but by golly, if one spends too much time to constantly go back to examine what went wrong, how can there be time left for the future?
Why should I evaluate something like that for the rest of my life, something that only brings pain, something that happened so long ago? Well, partly because my dad thinks he can just go on like that, because he thinks whatever he did to my mom I will allow too.

It is a good thing that he is not in my world physically, because I think I would totally loose it. That man makes me ill.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Im wondering now if this is going to take years to work just my mom's death out. It seems to...

I went through the exact same thing, that brick you talk about, familiar with it, I was too moving along in my personal life, making plans for my new business when this hit me. A death in the family would stop anyone cold though and now a couple of weeks after her death I am beginning to not feel overwhelmed, but still fighting with a lot of emotions.
I think there was a good person inside my mom, but there are other things that still bother me to this day about what happened in my childhood? Wish I could tear that out of my brain and forget about it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When something gives you that much pain than often it is easier to cut it out of your life completely, especially if you are suffering with PTSD.

I did just that with the remainder of my family which would take forever to write about. Lets just say causing me as much pain and angish possible is the name of their game and i aint having that.

My mom's death, not that easy.

A death in the family would stop anyone cold though and now a couple of weeks after her death I am beginning to not feel overwhelmed, but still fighting with a lot of emotions.

Mine died on 7/23 so its been weeks. Though, the entire time she was dying (a few weeks) its every god damn family member crawling out of their pits i put them to tell me how horrible of a person i was to not go see her. Then a few after she died to sign this and this and this....and this. Oh and how much of a c*nt i am to not want to go see my mom when all she wanted to do was tell me she loved me. Send me a letter bitch! Better yet, fess up! Im pretty damn sure thats over and if it aint too f*cking bad as the temp email acct is closed. f*ck their nasty-grams!

Now that things are settling a bit, the beehive is settled a bit, things are just beginning to un-numb and i just wonder how long this f*cking insanity is going to last. My mom had zero good in her. A f*cking psycopath for damn sure. She certianly doesnt deserve this but i have no choice. Sigh!

Oh, last night was likely not the best time to watch that intervention as now i cant get huffing off of my mind and telling myself that after 2 yrs my dad & step mom wont know the sound, plus their tv is always blarring. Yep, trying to fight that damn urge.

So now the ritual/punishmemt/cutting urges are back to fight & the addition urge. f*cking A!

 

[Recovery4Me]

((((hugs)))) It takes time hon. You can not rush the process as it is not an race but an healing journey for the mind, body and soul. At some point you will see an opening in your :banghead: and that is an step. There are bereavement groups that perhaps your T can recommend that may assist you in echoing/hearing your concerns, pain, anger or perhaps even relief echoed by others. Face to face groups can often open the wall a little when people are all leaning on it together.

One day at a time: be gentle to you, please.:hug::hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There are bereavement groups that perhaps your T can recommend that may assist you in echoing/hearing your concerns, pain, anger or perhaps even relief echoed by others. Face to face groups can often open the wall a little when people are all leaning on it together.

Not unless one wants to see a complete meltdown, if i could even get myself to go lol.

I dont do face to face, its why im here, i fail miserablly at face to face because people terrify the f*ck out of me that im a closed up ball of "dont touch me, dont look at me, GO AWAY!" ** running with my hair on fire **

Or at least that's how it feels...

The window will open up to take a step through, i was just listening to Tony Robbins (have no idea why him, i dispise infomerical people) on Super Soul Sunday last night talking to Oprah (you know her name was suppose to be "Oprha" but someone messed up her birth certificate? Nope, me neither) about the window of oppurtunity and how people get afraid to go through it then it closes. Or some shit like that.

Sigh, i dont know. I just feel so boxed in. Enclosed. Like im in this very tight space and cant budge. It reminds me so much of the hall closet thing and i think thats why im freaking so much. Or something. Ive been having flashbacks of the closet so im thinking maybe thats why im all freaking out everywhere looking for any way to just numb it away.
....

My mind just jumped to imagining myself slitting my wrist. See, that's what i mean. Just talking and boom, why not just slit your wrist. UGH! :banghead:

 

[Recovery4Me]

When the pain becomes that intense, it does seem like a quick fix to cut : or at least I have been told by a friend of mine that is an Nun. I share this to perhaps eliminate some of the shame or guilt.

Now, being locked in a closet by my Mom...I understand the closet feel of closing in. I come to the board, such as you are now...and realize I am not being held captive by her any more. I am holding myself captive and I need to open the jail door. Sometimes it requires a outward scream and tears. It took me several years of therapy to learn how to cry. You don't cry, yet? Or do you? ((((hugs))))

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You don't cry, yet? Or do you? (

Nope. I had re-read the "dog dream" thread once and had one tear that seemed so odd that it was almost a "dog head turn" moment. But only one in my entire life, or as far back as i can remember.

Now, being locked in a closet by my Mom...I understand the closet feel of closing in.

Yeah, any time i feel "boxed in", even if its just a small room or too many people in one room it reminds me of it and i freak. The closet punishment became a pretty often thing.

When the pain becomes that intense, it does seem like a quick fix to cut

It does but this was a fast jump to imaging suicide. I dont cut/self injure on my wrists. I do upper arms and down there mostly.

realize I am not being held captive by her any more. I am holding myself captive and I need to open the jail door.

I know but thats so very hard. She doesnt feel gone and i figured she wouldnt as my step dad didnt a year earlier and he still doesnt today. God i wish it was as easy as "ding dong, the wicked witch is gone" but it just isnt. Im pissed that she and the cult still controls me and i know thats good as anger breeds motivation but i just cant seem to move or let myself move or whatever.

I'll get there eventually or die trying. I know me. Im just frustrated that it A) stopped an awesome momteum and B) the cult and those thoughts seem way stronger than how i left them and they are barring down on me so very hard.

It seems i start to loosen the straps and in comes the cult thoughts which tightens them more then they were orignally. Its like im fighting myself again and god that is the most frustrating thing.

I feel like im doing this to myself which is even more frustrating.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Do you have a contract with your T concerning cutting or when ideation is riding on the shirt-tails of this pain?:hug: I ask because it is often a positive thing to assist within these times. To be prepared for when we become overloaded is important. I use to keep numbers (get this...lol) hidden /taped on a wall in my clothes closet for emergencies.:alien:

This is in no manner a judgement as I have had an agreement with mine when I was doing EMDR work. At the time, ideation was easier than crying due to past retribution by my parents, if I made a sound during the abuse.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Recovery4Me, i know you arent judging and are concerned.

I have a suicide contract with a shit ton of distractions and self soothing techniques on it, none of which are really working.

But my point of even advising it was im sitting here, watching shows on my DVR, calm, anxiety not too high, talking to you and boom, "let's see how fun slitting my wrists would be" with a "fun" vivid image of me doing it to go along, popped in my head. Out of left field. Like seriously? I cant distract or soothe or anything if it just comes out of no where like that. Most of my "junk" comes from nowhere but not that fast or that bad as to be on the edge suicidal when i was just calm as can be a second ago.

But to answer your question. I do have "ideas" of how to "not cut" written down but none work. The closest would be holding ice but im after more pain so it doesnt work long for me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((hugs))) My friend often battled these thoughts and then (bless her heart) would go to spend inordinate time in repentance through prayer. She could not understand why the thoughts still appeared and received permission from her Abbey to go to Somatic Therapy. The major concern there was that her Mother Superior thought it 'should' be cured within a specific amount of time and that my friend 'should' never have these thoughts again. It was very hard on her, the pressure to be free from the reoccurring thoughts.

Her T offered that those thoughts would continue to occur on and off as she faced major crisis or new trauma. The crux was how she chose to deal with the action-urge - that was the moving forward process.

What does your T say about your thoughts? If you wish to share, of course...:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What does your T say about your thoughts?

It depends on what they are.

Mostly he makes me counter it there then writes that down to make me say it a bazillon times to myself but that feels like a punishment to me; like writing "i wont have this thought again" a millon times on a chalk board. He doesnt do that to punish me, i know that, its just how it feels.

A lot of them he spends time on them to break them down. Dig at them. Especially if they are new...or at least new to him. He does that too on things surrounding trauma, he back traces everything to my trauma so i can say "im having this thought because..." Like the issue with crating my dog. I had to repeat over and over "im having these thoughts about crating my dog because it reminds me of the closet but he isnt me, he is safe" and so on.

He will also try to break it down into smaller chunks.

He would reframe a lot of it. Then gauge me and aim me better.

He does a lot, it depends on the thought really and why its there.

The cult stuff was mainly countering it, which was a horrid process that i do not want to repeat!

The ritual/punishment stuff he never asked me to stop. He did ask me why i was having that urge, if i knew, but he never forced me to stop that or the cutting. Which, I think, if he did it would of blown the opposite way and i would of done it more.

He does know about the flashes but because the ritual/punishment stuff being back is fairly new and he was out last week, he doesnt know they are back. I bet he would ask me why i thought they were back.

Why do therapists ask you why something is there? If i knew id fix it!