My Mother Is Being Vastly Inappropriate

[Saedhilian]

Hoping this is the right place for this; figured it should be okay since "relationships" can be a general term. I just need to get some stuff out right now before I punch a wall or break something. I seriously cannot recall a time I have EVER been this absolutely raging pissed.

Let me start by explaining the beginning of the problem: I recently added my mother to Facebook per her request with an iffy feeling and the decision that she was "on probation." My relationship with her has improved over the years since not being around her or talking to her very often, and even more so when I moved hundreds of miles away. Still, she was the source of a LOT of traumas in my life and still has hardly acknowledged this at all. I have only ever wanted to have a mother-daughter relationship but instead we had a tyranny and she was the tyrant. I do not love her; I only feel sad when I think about her.

This morning has been rough; I hardly slept and didn't sleep well the last night, and I have bronchitis and a new job. So I woke up to get ready for work and checked my Facebook while eating breakfast and eventually saw that my mother sent me a suggested friend: her dead husband's sister; the sister of the man who more than likely raped me. I have no memory of it, but there is evidence. Joe, the dead husband, died in 2007 and I watched him die a slow painful death from a brain tumor and ultimately pancreatic cancer. In 2009, I started having nightmares about being raped and his face was the only one I recognized.

After the nightmares started, I told my mom on the way home from a dental appointment because I was at my wit's end. I was shocked when she acted like she gave a damn and took me to the YWCA. It was there that she told me, during a later appointment, that she had found a pair of my underwear under her shared bed at a time she hadn't been doing laundry because she was too busy taking care of Joe. I wanted to vomit. Later, I sent a message to his sister about this because I couldn't take all of these people saying he was such a great person anymore. She stopped talking to us.

Has my mom just somehow conveniently forgotten these events??? I mean, I can't understand how anyone could possibly think this was a good idea. The thing is, I have Asperger's syndrome, and I only know this after years in the system and realizing "my brother was diagnosed with AS in the 8th grade, I have all of the symptoms." My mother shows all of the signs as well. This leads me to believe that she may not even be aware that this was wrong. So I guess I lied and I can understand, but I'm still absolutely pissed.

I asked her about this and haven't gotten a response back yet, and I don't know exactly what to say to her anyway. But I really feel like getting seriously honest with her about some things I've decided against saying in the past. Like telling her she needs to get tested for AS so she can realize what actually IS wrong with her, and maybe learn some damn social skills.

Sorry this is so long; I just really needed to get all of this out there, AND I have to go to work while being sick. Today sucks and I do not appreciate it at all.

~Saedhilian

 

[Loner]

I understand that might be triggering for you, but its not like his sister raped you right? She just stopped talking to you after you brought it up to her right? That is a very invalidating response, but one I personally would consider forgivable since she probably had a hard time viewing her brother in that way, or might even have been triggered by it due to things he had done to her.

 

[Echo]

@Saedhilian - I would feel the same if anyone associated with my rapist got in touch with me. I would wonder what on earth they could possibly want from me and would feel very wobbled by it. Added to which, in your case, this woman has not acknowledged what happened. She isn't the one to have to apologise for what her brother did, though it might have gone a long way had she been able to acknowledge the events prior to wanting to be your friend on FB.

I agree that your mother has done something inappropriate here. She could, at the very least, have asked your permission before doing this. But the mere fact that she hasn't got the sensitivity to know this would be difficult for you would suggest that she has an issue. Maybe she's in denial about it or maybe she has a condition that means she lacks empathy. Either way, you are right to feel astonished by her behaviour. It does flag up the need for a conversation at the very least, and certainly you need to establish what your preferred boundaries are here. You don't and shouldn't have to do anything at all that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I hope you are getting some support for what happened to you. It is too hard to manage on your own, and I can tell you from my own experience, as I am sure many others here will do too, it does not go away of its own accord. It might help to have some support from outside the family in order to set firm boundaries. Maybe like me, because of your family environment and upbringing, you can barely tell what an appropriate boundary is, except when you feel discomfort like this. I am so used to being manipulated by my inappropriate and difficult parents, that even years later, I struggle to stand my ground, even though I think of myself as a strong woman. It'd be great for you to get it sorted out now, rather than struggling for years before you get help. If you have no money of your own for therapy, I hope you can get your mum to see that you need it.

Keep talking to us and we will try and help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My general rule is this....

If someone gives me crap on Facebook for ANY reason, they're gone. I don't need my personal & private drama being played out on social media where there is no privacy (privacy settings mean nothing).

I once had a very good friend attack me on my wall. I instantly de- friended her. She took this to mean that I ended the friendship when the truth was it was only done so that professional contacts on my friends list wouldn't see the drama. I think she thought she had a right to slam me in public? Anyway, my point is that you should keep social media as drama free as possible.

 

[Saedhilian]

@Loner - I'm not really upset with Kathy (the sister) at all as I can understand that my messaging her was probably not a good idea. I was a wreck at the time and not really proud of having messaged her. But I am angry at my mother for making the suggestion.

I sent my mom a message asking her about this and she is now saying that she didn't do it, Facebook did. Even though it specifically says that SHE made the suggestion. Either she was hacked or is lying. This is just so much crap that I didn't need right now as I've already been having flashbacks and nightmares daily/nightly anyway.

@Echo - Boundaries are something very difficult for me, especially since when I was a kid my mom gave me literally no privacy. Therapists would tell me to write in a journal, so I would, and then she would read them. There was also a time that I kept my journal in a binder with a padlock on it, inside a bag with double padlocks on it, and Joe broke into it and stole the journal. He also took my door down at one point, and I remember thinking something about "is he going to try to watch me get dressed?" I am planning on trying to find a therapist as I currently don't have one. Unfortunately, I have to first wait until tax season is over so I can make my move official by getting a new ID in this state, then getting insurance, and then looking for a therapist. The biggest support I have right now is my boyfriend (he is amazing) but I really don't want to talk about all of this stuff with him because I don't want to burden him or anything.

 

[bell]

I'm not saying that you should forgive your mom for anything, but as for what she has done on Facebook... chances are that if she did suggest that woman to be your friend, she may have done it by accident. (I say this coming from experience working with lots of people of a certain age and the interwebs; user error is almost always the culprit.)

 

[Echo]

@Saedhilian - I'm so glad you've got your boyfriend. Maybe you can tell him a little about what's going on. I get you wouldn't want to tell him everything at once, but gradually, if he loves you and you him, you'll want to build trust between you. And trust, after so many boundaries have been broken, will be so important for you to establish. I know it is for me.

I'm not sure when your tax season will be over - I live in a different country to you - but I hope it's soon for you.

And oh yes, my mother thinks she's entitled to know everything. Totally invasive and has no compunction about reading diaries and gossiping about anybody's business except her own. She and my father cannot be wrong, in their world, and are still totally dominant. No-one else holds such strong views about their entitlement as those two do. It sounds like you've got something similar on your hands. I know how hard it is to stand up to and there is so much to learn about how we are programmed by their expectations and demands. I hope you escape it very soon. Keep your head up and your pride in yourself strong.

 

[Saedhilian]

@bell - I suspect user error may be what happened, but at the same time I feel confused about how she could have made such a reckless error. It just seems too intentional to me, especially with how the site is set up, and I am highly suspicious of her because of the general way she is. I sent her a message though saying that I am not going to accuse her of lying because I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it seems the only options were she was hacked or is lying. And a hacker doing that wouldn't make sense. I also told her that if it WAS her, I am offended and that I really don't think her being on my facebook is a good idea.


@Echo - He already knows a lot of what's going on as we've known each other for five years; I just feel uncomfortable in general talking about things. I'm usually afraid that I'll get yelled at for it because growing up I was taught not to talk to people about my problems. Even being on sites like this still makes me shake, but at the same time I do want to talk to people. I just don't want it to be misinterpreted somehow and then twisted around on me as "you're just being manipulative or attention-seeking" or something.

I'm sorry that your parents were so difficult. How did you learn about boundaries? I find that they are very difficult for me, but am trying to do better about setting them.

 

[Echo]

@Saedhilian - yes, I understand. The old, old story of being told your opinions and needs are bothersome and make you a drama queen and a nuisance, if not outright bad. If I have ever gone to my parents with my problems, and I have long ago ceased to do so, they, particularly my mother, will twist what I say and use it all to manipulate and undermine me. When my sister got together with a man from a different racial background and two gorgeous boys, all my mother could see was that my sister had done it to annoy her. She could not see the love, the happiness, the great parenting, the beautiful boys.

I don't think people like this ever change. It is in their make-up or part of some kind of condition they suffer from. I have done a lot of personal development over the years, but have really so far only managed to keep them at bay to the extent that I don't tell them things. Sometimes I have lied to keep them away, but absolutely refuse to do that anymore, since I see it as them corrupting me, if you like. I have learnt lots of stuff on the way about patterns in behaviour and about victim/perpetrator/rescuer interactions, for instance. All very theoretical really.

I have had to realise, however, with the onset of the CPTSD, that it goes so deep and that I am still the frightened little girl inside, programmed to be compliant and terrified, wanting to avoid all of that condemnation. So it is only now when I want to send them a letter to tell them how it is for me and ask for space to heal, knowing I'm likely to get a barrage of all of the above abuse and manipulation, undermining, minimising, etc., that I realise I am going to have to go all out with the boundary setting. And I am going to have to heal so many of my programmed responses to free myself into the bargain. I wish I had been able to do this earlier in life, but it is how it is and has to be now. It would be fantastic if you can manage to do this early in life, so that it doesn't affect your life into the future, so that you can be free.