Somehow my oldest brother developed a kind of schizophrenia. It was so mysterious, or bizarre. He was the very handsome, successful, star of the family. But in his thirties I think he started to have some trouble.
He was smoking a lot of pot. I don't know if that was to manage what was already there or not. He was doing a lot of meditating. Then eventually he started hearing voices. A lot of them. Some were torturing him- a lot of accusations- it started to affect his relationships/family a lot.
He went to psychiatrists, and I think he tried therapy, but nothing seemed to work- the meds weren't working.
Dec.2014 he had a suicide attempt.
My mom was in Hawaii, other brother has brain injury so I felt the onus to go visit him in the hospital.
I was a religious addict at the time so I prayed like 3 rosaries on the way.
I felt alone and that I wanted support from other relatives.
But my mom said don't tell anyone cuz we need to protect his dignity.
So when I visited him I felt very afraid, (Of myself- feeling I adequate), overwhelmed, stressed, tense, etc.
I felt like I was suppressing a massive boulder of pain inside. And going about trying to be helpful in a mechanical way.
I noticed he had light and love on his eyes. He wanted me to stay longer... it was hard to be in the hospital cuz I had problems in past with suicide - hospitals. I suppose I felt pressured to go after 1 evening & morning.
I returned home & called him a few times. He wanted to talk in the morning. Again I felt very constrained, not knowing what to say, uncomfortable trying to support my oldest brother. Conversations were short.
Christmas passed. I texted but no answer.
On Dec 30 I texted briefly with him. It was short & surface-y.
On Dec 31, I got a call just leaving work, from my neice/ oldest brothers daughter/ that he passed away. He ended his life. I was in absolute shock, stayed on phone for a bit... then sat in my car for a half hour doing nothing.
Ok this is a really long story so I'm gonna do a part two later.
He was smoking a lot of pot. I don't know if that was to manage what was already there or not. He was doing a lot of meditating. Then eventually he started hearing voices. A lot of them. Some were torturing him- a lot of accusations- it started to affect his relationships/family a lot.
He went to psychiatrists, and I think he tried therapy, but nothing seemed to work- the meds weren't working.
Dec.2014 he had a suicide attempt.
My mom was in Hawaii, other brother has brain injury so I felt the onus to go visit him in the hospital.
I was a religious addict at the time so I prayed like 3 rosaries on the way.
I felt alone and that I wanted support from other relatives.
But my mom said don't tell anyone cuz we need to protect his dignity.
So when I visited him I felt very afraid, (Of myself- feeling I adequate), overwhelmed, stressed, tense, etc.
I felt like I was suppressing a massive boulder of pain inside. And going about trying to be helpful in a mechanical way.
I noticed he had light and love on his eyes. He wanted me to stay longer... it was hard to be in the hospital cuz I had problems in past with suicide - hospitals. I suppose I felt pressured to go after 1 evening & morning.
I returned home & called him a few times. He wanted to talk in the morning. Again I felt very constrained, not knowing what to say, uncomfortable trying to support my oldest brother. Conversations were short.
Christmas passed. I texted but no answer.
On Dec 30 I texted briefly with him. It was short & surface-y.
On Dec 31, I got a call just leaving work, from my neice/ oldest brothers daughter/ that he passed away. He ended his life. I was in absolute shock, stayed on phone for a bit... then sat in my car for a half hour doing nothing.
Ok this is a really long story so I'm gonna do a part two later.
