hi everyone, a few days ago my partner who i love dearly has broken up with me. she said she wants to be alone and focus on herself as she started therapy two months ago, our relationship has been rocky with lots of ups and downs due to our triggers clashing and me not being very trustworthy for her as i have made very stupid mistakes during the length of our relationship i broke her trust with some things whether bigger or smaller( never cheated or anything on purpse) it was all really just mistakes out of either impulsivity and my own stupidness and communication issues,i think the major ones were when a person who i was in contact before sort of romantically but i cut contact with them long before we started dating messeged me to ask how are things when something bad happened in my city(not to dive in it but its war related ) anyway i empty mindedly replied saying "it's been a bit tough but were dealing alright thanks for asking" as i did not see this person romantically at all anymore and was being friendly, further more i wanted to tell my partner just so she wasnt blindsided by this and i felt like this might upset her if she found out later alone, but i didnt because i was too anxious as weve had jealousy issues before with her getting upset over things weve either previously talked about and solved or she accused me of doing something and perceiving my actions as disloyalty ( i said thank you to a girl who was holding a trashbag when we walked out the movies while i threw my popcorn bag and it seemed to her that i was too close to her when i said thank you)
and i kind of tried instead of saying it litteraly, i pointed my phone kind of in her direction so she could see what im doing on it so she wont feel anxious about who im texting and what im texting but it backfired and that was major trust break number one i think. i realize i should have just communicated to avoid all that.
next one was when i started working at a new place and one of the coworkers has a friendly conversation every once in a while where i mentioned i have a partner and so, she texted me one evening to ask me and my partner out for coffee ( it was completely friendly and nothing more)
i rejected the offer but as i tend to sometimes people please i just told her my partner wasnt home that day so maybe next time.
the next day my partner took me to work and the coworker was there and my partner found out shes a lesbian, and that she texted me offering us to grab coffee, and it made her very upset, we had an argument and i explained i didnt think it was necessary telling her this as i rejected the offer and wasnt planning on being close friends with that person or anything, but she didnt believe me (as people with cptsd do and i was too ignorant to realize that my easy mindeness around this was making her even more uncomfortable)
later on she asked me not to be start a friendship with that person and i agreed because i love her and wanted to make her feel better. i continued my working days and didnt make friends with her really, not offering to hang out outside of work(we switch shifts so either way we dont hang out) but my partner was still dissatisfied as i would have causal superficial conversations with her when iarrived to my shift for like a few minutes, this continued for a few months as i wasnt sure where the line was with me talking to this person as this felt to me very controlling because i didnt see where she was coming from and i had no romantic interest in that person at all and neither did they in me. we also barely switched words she would sometimes talk to me casually more but i was pretty dry just to keep it short.
this caused a lot of strain and tension on our relationship which led with multiple fights and arguemnts about this and other things that she found me untrustworthy for and my mental health really deteriorated as well and so did my self esteem and self love, made me question a lot whether i have a ground to my feelings or im just defending myself for the sake of defending as the fights were intense and my partner would get pretty hurtful with her lash outs.
there were a lot of threats of breakups(from her) which all ended with me convincing her that i love her and that i dont want to leave her and were "resolved"
but of course tension was still there, and she didnt really trust me anymore.
we barely had sex for 2 years of our relationship, the first year not a day passed without us having it ,i also believe we moved in together too soon as neither of us had a place to recharge alone without feeling pressure from the presence of the other person.
there were multiple times where i betrayed her trust with things i did that were precieved differntly than how i saw them and communication was rocky as we kept just being triggered over and over and i couldnt really understand her cptsd and didnt know how to deal with it correctly so i would defend myself before i would apologize and ask for forgiveness.
she also said that shes kind of tired of me being passive aggresive and grumpy, to which i can agree to some point, but most times i think she just misreads me i have adhd and im also dealing with some of my own trauma issues so i can seem off a lot of times and especially because my mental health was shit low these past 2 years becaues of the struggles in our relationship.
this all sounds like there was no reason to stay in this but i truly love her so much,ever since shes started therapy (which i encouraged her to do as she's threatned suicide twice in our relationship and that made me a little traumatized especiialy the first as it was almost happened and it really was i think one of the most difficult days in my life and im 100% sure one of hers too.)
shes been trying really hard to do better, and go out more and do a lot of things on her own, she says she likes being alone more and being with me makes her feel less good which really hurts me as i know im not the greatest partner and ive hurt her a lot with these mistakes, ive also been very good and im always listening to her with full attention and no judgement, i respect her and show her a lot of love whether its affection,gifts,ressurance when she asks and more,
i do admit sometimes when giving reassurance i would be a little more cynical as the pressure of her being so triggered she would be hard headed and reject everything i say and just say im doing things to hurt her and i plan everything maliciously which makes me hurt a lot.
i know these are trauma responses and im trying my bset too understand and not get triggered myself but i struggle with that aswell.
and when iget triggered i regress into myself and blame myself nad just try to make the conflict go away.
i know shes not her trauma responses and that shes a beauitful person with a very kind heart shes really the best person i know and my bestest friend which is why ive also been conflicted a lot during our time if we should break up or not.
she also says im too affectionate with other people which i dont think i am, i dont touch other people romantically or flirt at all she just says how i treat people is with affection and too much love for her liking.
Now these last two months she started therapy, shes been so distant from me, and i distanced myself too as i was having a reaction to feeling unloved by her (which i did a lot of times and ive talked to her about it she just explaiened theres nothing she can but i kept saying im fine with it but sometimes it does get overwhelming not feeling the love im giving) she said she thinks its best to split up, and that wants to be alone and not in a relationship.
she said she still loves me but cant trust me right now due to being focused on herself and the past things. she seems a little detached from me like shes not very affected by this, even though our realtionship was rocky it was very loving and we both tried our best for each other all the time and even when we'd fight we reaasured each other we love each other.
im not sure what im looking for here but im very sad , and i feel a lot of self blame,i know this isnt entirely on me as she has responsibilities in this relationship too but i dont want to lose her, weve talked and i told her im very ashamed i wasnt a stable partner for her and that my attempts at changing for the better for her were failed, and that i intend to throw myself into hard work to be a better person for myself and for us i told her i agree with the break up for as of now because i think weve both hit a fairly low point and need to focus on ourselves, she also recognizes she has faults, im not sure she understands them all as she wont really explain her point of view of herself and i dont want to push her to as shes in a fragile situation either way rn. we sort of agreed that in a few months maybe we reconnect as were also good friends and maybe discuss whether we want to start over as a couple or not,she said not to hang hopes too high but also that she doesnt know how she'll feel, for now her decision is finite but shes not sure if its gonna stay this way, so im kind of confused, hurt and mostly just need a little community help as life led me to not have really many friends right now and after the breakup really no support at all atm. i feel im pretty optimistic and rely on myself but ive never exprienced a break up in my life, especially in a relationship like this which was the first one i ever had.
i can ramble on more but i think thats all ill say for now lol i appreciate anyone reading this or commenting for input, thank you!
and i kind of tried instead of saying it litteraly, i pointed my phone kind of in her direction so she could see what im doing on it so she wont feel anxious about who im texting and what im texting but it backfired and that was major trust break number one i think. i realize i should have just communicated to avoid all that.
next one was when i started working at a new place and one of the coworkers has a friendly conversation every once in a while where i mentioned i have a partner and so, she texted me one evening to ask me and my partner out for coffee ( it was completely friendly and nothing more)
i rejected the offer but as i tend to sometimes people please i just told her my partner wasnt home that day so maybe next time.
the next day my partner took me to work and the coworker was there and my partner found out shes a lesbian, and that she texted me offering us to grab coffee, and it made her very upset, we had an argument and i explained i didnt think it was necessary telling her this as i rejected the offer and wasnt planning on being close friends with that person or anything, but she didnt believe me (as people with cptsd do and i was too ignorant to realize that my easy mindeness around this was making her even more uncomfortable)
later on she asked me not to be start a friendship with that person and i agreed because i love her and wanted to make her feel better. i continued my working days and didnt make friends with her really, not offering to hang out outside of work(we switch shifts so either way we dont hang out) but my partner was still dissatisfied as i would have causal superficial conversations with her when iarrived to my shift for like a few minutes, this continued for a few months as i wasnt sure where the line was with me talking to this person as this felt to me very controlling because i didnt see where she was coming from and i had no romantic interest in that person at all and neither did they in me. we also barely switched words she would sometimes talk to me casually more but i was pretty dry just to keep it short.
this caused a lot of strain and tension on our relationship which led with multiple fights and arguemnts about this and other things that she found me untrustworthy for and my mental health really deteriorated as well and so did my self esteem and self love, made me question a lot whether i have a ground to my feelings or im just defending myself for the sake of defending as the fights were intense and my partner would get pretty hurtful with her lash outs.
there were a lot of threats of breakups(from her) which all ended with me convincing her that i love her and that i dont want to leave her and were "resolved"
but of course tension was still there, and she didnt really trust me anymore.
we barely had sex for 2 years of our relationship, the first year not a day passed without us having it ,i also believe we moved in together too soon as neither of us had a place to recharge alone without feeling pressure from the presence of the other person.
there were multiple times where i betrayed her trust with things i did that were precieved differntly than how i saw them and communication was rocky as we kept just being triggered over and over and i couldnt really understand her cptsd and didnt know how to deal with it correctly so i would defend myself before i would apologize and ask for forgiveness.
she also said that shes kind of tired of me being passive aggresive and grumpy, to which i can agree to some point, but most times i think she just misreads me i have adhd and im also dealing with some of my own trauma issues so i can seem off a lot of times and especially because my mental health was shit low these past 2 years becaues of the struggles in our relationship.
this all sounds like there was no reason to stay in this but i truly love her so much,ever since shes started therapy (which i encouraged her to do as she's threatned suicide twice in our relationship and that made me a little traumatized especiialy the first as it was almost happened and it really was i think one of the most difficult days in my life and im 100% sure one of hers too.)
shes been trying really hard to do better, and go out more and do a lot of things on her own, she says she likes being alone more and being with me makes her feel less good which really hurts me as i know im not the greatest partner and ive hurt her a lot with these mistakes, ive also been very good and im always listening to her with full attention and no judgement, i respect her and show her a lot of love whether its affection,gifts,ressurance when she asks and more,
i do admit sometimes when giving reassurance i would be a little more cynical as the pressure of her being so triggered she would be hard headed and reject everything i say and just say im doing things to hurt her and i plan everything maliciously which makes me hurt a lot.
i know these are trauma responses and im trying my bset too understand and not get triggered myself but i struggle with that aswell.
and when iget triggered i regress into myself and blame myself nad just try to make the conflict go away.
i know shes not her trauma responses and that shes a beauitful person with a very kind heart shes really the best person i know and my bestest friend which is why ive also been conflicted a lot during our time if we should break up or not.
she also says im too affectionate with other people which i dont think i am, i dont touch other people romantically or flirt at all she just says how i treat people is with affection and too much love for her liking.
Now these last two months she started therapy, shes been so distant from me, and i distanced myself too as i was having a reaction to feeling unloved by her (which i did a lot of times and ive talked to her about it she just explaiened theres nothing she can but i kept saying im fine with it but sometimes it does get overwhelming not feeling the love im giving) she said she thinks its best to split up, and that wants to be alone and not in a relationship.
she said she still loves me but cant trust me right now due to being focused on herself and the past things. she seems a little detached from me like shes not very affected by this, even though our realtionship was rocky it was very loving and we both tried our best for each other all the time and even when we'd fight we reaasured each other we love each other.
im not sure what im looking for here but im very sad , and i feel a lot of self blame,i know this isnt entirely on me as she has responsibilities in this relationship too but i dont want to lose her, weve talked and i told her im very ashamed i wasnt a stable partner for her and that my attempts at changing for the better for her were failed, and that i intend to throw myself into hard work to be a better person for myself and for us i told her i agree with the break up for as of now because i think weve both hit a fairly low point and need to focus on ourselves, she also recognizes she has faults, im not sure she understands them all as she wont really explain her point of view of herself and i dont want to push her to as shes in a fragile situation either way rn. we sort of agreed that in a few months maybe we reconnect as were also good friends and maybe discuss whether we want to start over as a couple or not,she said not to hang hopes too high but also that she doesnt know how she'll feel, for now her decision is finite but shes not sure if its gonna stay this way, so im kind of confused, hurt and mostly just need a little community help as life led me to not have really many friends right now and after the breakup really no support at all atm. i feel im pretty optimistic and rely on myself but ive never exprienced a break up in my life, especially in a relationship like this which was the first one i ever had.
i can ramble on more but i think thats all ill say for now lol i appreciate anyone reading this or commenting for input, thank you!
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