Ivan the Elder
Silver Member
I have been dealing with diagnosed PTSD for about half a year now. This began when I was sent to an involuntary psychiatric ward by my doctor when he was somehow convinced I was suicidal. While at the ward I began showing clear symptoms of PTSD including nightmares and severe startling when wakened at night for medication. I finally convinced them to just touch my toes lightly to wake me up. It worked well because I was not sleeping soundly at all.
I was severely abused in my childhood including physical abuse to point of broken bones, by my father. I was also sexually abused as well by his mother. I was also abused to a lesser extent by my other grandmother who tied me into my crib for long enough that she taught me to pee my bed.
Later in life I was raped as my first full penetration sexual experience. Yes, it is possible when a young man wakes up with an erection already in use by an older married woman. I have also been exposed to very serious life/death situations in the US Army. I have also found young people dying on the highway and as a trained medic have been unable to save them. I have also been in at least a 10 or so situations where my life was in severe danger including being in the hospital with flat line, no heartbeat or respiration.
Then my ex informed me she was leaving me while I was at the psych ward. When I came back I was forced to live elsewhere. She decided to stay at the house and I was forced by the government to find some place else to live. That isn't even legal but I was under extreme duress and had no way to change this. The psychiatrists at the ward found me to be absolutely clear of psychiatric issues. I suppose it wouldn't look good on my official medical record to see that I came down with PTSD while at the ward.
All of the above seems like a very good reason to have PTSD and it is. But since it started there has been one major problem that has been causing me a lot of difficulty in trying to deal with my PTSD. I, my therapist and my very good psychiatrist have assumed that all of the above experiences are contributing factors to my PTSD.
They do not seem to be, except for one. I have been testing myself for triggers of my PTSD. When I am triggered I immediately and always break into full crying. It can last for minutes to hours.
I test for my triggers in a way that works very well for me. I am a habitual writer and have written perhaps 20,000 pages of material in the last 15 years, the majority of it educational for other people. I also keep a very detailed journal and have done so for many years.
To test myself for triggers I simply write about events in my life. I have an excellent memory of nearly every day of my life other than some things I have clearly been suppressing. When I write about anything that is a trigger it becomes very obvious that is what it is. I begin crying. I can feel it come on even before the tears start. This just hasn't made sense to me as a response to finding dying teenagers on the highway or waking up in the hospital to find I almost died.
I can write about all of the events I listed and many more with no trace of triggering, except one.
There is one trigger
Last Sunday I went to church looking forward to the service. When I arrived the doors were locked. Puzzled, I turned back to go to my vehicle and the priest was just coming out a back door. We encountered each other. He explained that it was the Sunday for an annual Barbecue that was being held at a lake about 40 miles from town. I was of course welcome but there was no way I could attend. I am taking a medication that would make it dangerous to drive that far as I might fall asleep at the wheel. Driving the few blocks to the church is not a problem but driving that far was out of the question.
We said goodbye. As I got back in the vehicle the tears began to flow. I couldn't figure out why as I drove back to my apartment. When back I sat and thought about this for a long time. Then some things began to fall into place. When told that there was an event I could not attend I felt inside that I had been rejected, yet again.
I began some serious testing of my triggers.
I can write about having found people on the road immediately after an accident, dying while I attempted to help them and failed. No triggers. It was just a very bad day in my life.
I can write about having found a vehicle, a convertible, upside down on the highway in the middle of the road with body parts strewn behind the vehicle for a hundred yards and partial remains still in the vehicle of what appeared to have been about six teenagers. No triggers, just another very bad day.
I can write about when a child watching a person commit suicide by running at full speed into the front of a tractor-trailer immediately in front of our vehicle and then looking at the remains of the driver. There are also things that happened to me in the army, including a grenade that almost killed me. There have been a number of times when I have been very close to death, one way or another. No Triggers.
I can write about the abandonment we all felt (brothers, sister) when my parents separated and then divorced. It was a very nasty divorce and I was used as a tool by both of my parents when I was 16.
Then some triggers are very apparent.
If I write about my ex wife, present or past, I have triggering. Anything to do with her is a trigger
If I write about or even think about our children and grandchildren the triggering is even more severe. They have all essentially abandoned us/me by moving to Alberta and they are of course a part of my ex wife, figuratively and literally.
This points directly at Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. It was my ex wife that left me without notice of any sort. We had never discussed separation of any kind at any time. She did so when I was in a psychiatric ward by mistake. I was already under extreme stress and duress. She then called me at the end of the first week when I was there and told me: "When you come home I will not be there".
It totally shattered me. I then tried to shut down all emotion but was not successful. Instead I cried constantly. I had traces of this before, especially when my very most loved dog died some years ago. It took me two years before I could even look at a picture of her without crying. PTSDA is in my background but has now been activated to the maximum degree. Now I must find ways to deal with it and that will depend on me alone. My family cannot help me, they are all triggers.
Our marriage began to disintegrate years ago. My ex wife lost her libido as she went through menopause. That would never be enough for me to leave her. I always keep my promises.
I was recently tested for my testosterone level and something very unusual showed up. At age 66 I still have the same level as an 18 year old man. As you can imagine that has put me in a position of constantly being denied when I wanted intimacy. Rejection is psychologically equivalent to a level of abandonment, according to my university psychology. Five years ago when my Hep C was diagnosed she refused to even kiss me. In the last decade I have been regularly rejected/abandoned, over and over, gradually building to a breaking point. That breaking point happened early this year.
So, it seems clear and I match all the symptoms of suffering from PTSD of Abandonment. That makes far more sense to me now. I have been doing some reading and it looks like there may be a way out of it. I would be very interested to hear what those of you who have any familiarity with this have to say about appropriate treatment for it.
I was severely abused in my childhood including physical abuse to point of broken bones, by my father. I was also sexually abused as well by his mother. I was also abused to a lesser extent by my other grandmother who tied me into my crib for long enough that she taught me to pee my bed.
Later in life I was raped as my first full penetration sexual experience. Yes, it is possible when a young man wakes up with an erection already in use by an older married woman. I have also been exposed to very serious life/death situations in the US Army. I have also found young people dying on the highway and as a trained medic have been unable to save them. I have also been in at least a 10 or so situations where my life was in severe danger including being in the hospital with flat line, no heartbeat or respiration.
Then my ex informed me she was leaving me while I was at the psych ward. When I came back I was forced to live elsewhere. She decided to stay at the house and I was forced by the government to find some place else to live. That isn't even legal but I was under extreme duress and had no way to change this. The psychiatrists at the ward found me to be absolutely clear of psychiatric issues. I suppose it wouldn't look good on my official medical record to see that I came down with PTSD while at the ward.
All of the above seems like a very good reason to have PTSD and it is. But since it started there has been one major problem that has been causing me a lot of difficulty in trying to deal with my PTSD. I, my therapist and my very good psychiatrist have assumed that all of the above experiences are contributing factors to my PTSD.
They do not seem to be, except for one. I have been testing myself for triggers of my PTSD. When I am triggered I immediately and always break into full crying. It can last for minutes to hours.
I test for my triggers in a way that works very well for me. I am a habitual writer and have written perhaps 20,000 pages of material in the last 15 years, the majority of it educational for other people. I also keep a very detailed journal and have done so for many years.
To test myself for triggers I simply write about events in my life. I have an excellent memory of nearly every day of my life other than some things I have clearly been suppressing. When I write about anything that is a trigger it becomes very obvious that is what it is. I begin crying. I can feel it come on even before the tears start. This just hasn't made sense to me as a response to finding dying teenagers on the highway or waking up in the hospital to find I almost died.
I can write about all of the events I listed and many more with no trace of triggering, except one.
There is one trigger
Last Sunday I went to church looking forward to the service. When I arrived the doors were locked. Puzzled, I turned back to go to my vehicle and the priest was just coming out a back door. We encountered each other. He explained that it was the Sunday for an annual Barbecue that was being held at a lake about 40 miles from town. I was of course welcome but there was no way I could attend. I am taking a medication that would make it dangerous to drive that far as I might fall asleep at the wheel. Driving the few blocks to the church is not a problem but driving that far was out of the question.
We said goodbye. As I got back in the vehicle the tears began to flow. I couldn't figure out why as I drove back to my apartment. When back I sat and thought about this for a long time. Then some things began to fall into place. When told that there was an event I could not attend I felt inside that I had been rejected, yet again.
I began some serious testing of my triggers.
I can write about having found people on the road immediately after an accident, dying while I attempted to help them and failed. No triggers. It was just a very bad day in my life.
I can write about having found a vehicle, a convertible, upside down on the highway in the middle of the road with body parts strewn behind the vehicle for a hundred yards and partial remains still in the vehicle of what appeared to have been about six teenagers. No triggers, just another very bad day.
I can write about when a child watching a person commit suicide by running at full speed into the front of a tractor-trailer immediately in front of our vehicle and then looking at the remains of the driver. There are also things that happened to me in the army, including a grenade that almost killed me. There have been a number of times when I have been very close to death, one way or another. No Triggers.
I can write about the abandonment we all felt (brothers, sister) when my parents separated and then divorced. It was a very nasty divorce and I was used as a tool by both of my parents when I was 16.
Then some triggers are very apparent.
If I write about my ex wife, present or past, I have triggering. Anything to do with her is a trigger
If I write about or even think about our children and grandchildren the triggering is even more severe. They have all essentially abandoned us/me by moving to Alberta and they are of course a part of my ex wife, figuratively and literally.
This points directly at Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. It was my ex wife that left me without notice of any sort. We had never discussed separation of any kind at any time. She did so when I was in a psychiatric ward by mistake. I was already under extreme stress and duress. She then called me at the end of the first week when I was there and told me: "When you come home I will not be there".
It totally shattered me. I then tried to shut down all emotion but was not successful. Instead I cried constantly. I had traces of this before, especially when my very most loved dog died some years ago. It took me two years before I could even look at a picture of her without crying. PTSDA is in my background but has now been activated to the maximum degree. Now I must find ways to deal with it and that will depend on me alone. My family cannot help me, they are all triggers.
Our marriage began to disintegrate years ago. My ex wife lost her libido as she went through menopause. That would never be enough for me to leave her. I always keep my promises.
I was recently tested for my testosterone level and something very unusual showed up. At age 66 I still have the same level as an 18 year old man. As you can imagine that has put me in a position of constantly being denied when I wanted intimacy. Rejection is psychologically equivalent to a level of abandonment, according to my university psychology. Five years ago when my Hep C was diagnosed she refused to even kiss me. In the last decade I have been regularly rejected/abandoned, over and over, gradually building to a breaking point. That breaking point happened early this year.
So, it seems clear and I match all the symptoms of suffering from PTSD of Abandonment. That makes far more sense to me now. I have been doing some reading and it looks like there may be a way out of it. I would be very interested to hear what those of you who have any familiarity with this have to say about appropriate treatment for it.
