Relationship My ptsd partner is pulling away....

[Butterflies2023]

ConfusedPartner,,,, you sound supportive, patient and understanding. Very mature. You value the person.

Unfortunately I agree with the many recommendations here on this post...give her time and space.
occasionally let her know “Hey I am thinking about you and hope you are well”... be brief. Does that sound okay?

It is difficult being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD.
Perhaps when or if the time comes both might consider on a proactive step ... mutually agreed upon time of being together and being apart. That might avoid hurt feelings or entangled feelings ... Both know when you will be together and when you will be apart and the reason why.

Thank you so much for your post - helps me understand the other person’s perspective

 

[Snowflakes]

@confusedpartner I can truly empathize with your feelings. I fought for 10 years with the belief that love could conquor all. At the end of the day, I finally learned that we do not have the right, let alone the ability, to change another person. We can only change ourselves. When I finally arrived at the point described by the post @EveHarrington wrote today, then I was able to “let go” as she walked out the door. My sufferer has returned home but it was her own doing, not mine. So today, I am still her supporter but she is the one going to therapy and learning how to manage her illness and not using PTSD as an excuse to mistreat me. For my part, I learned the idea of healthy boundaries.

Take care of you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The "move on" sentiment is common because it's realistic. Sometimes even if we love our partner with the fire of a thousand suns and do everything perfect we still need to move on... because if our partners aren't healthy enough for a relationship it will never work.

The "move on" is meant in kindness to the supporter. It's healthier emotionally to move on. We have examples of supporters on here who have been hanging on for months and months, even years waiting on people to come back to them. What kind of life is that?

 

[confusedpartner]

I can move on if that's what she wants but it seems impossible to move on if she doesn't want to break up. I want to be there for her and help her if I can. I can't imagine leaving the relationship like this.

 

[EveHarrington]

So you are willing to be strung along indefinitely? This is what I'm gathering from your last reply. It seems like you're saying that you are willing to sacrifice your own wants and needs and let her control the entire relationship without regard for your feelings. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think what I'm hearing is that she wants her own space, and she wants to continue the relationship. Can you let that happen and see if it works? You sound like a great partner and as a sufferer, I've been told "I will stick by you always" and then when I ask for space I am dumped. That feeds into my feelings of being not good enough. That is me. I hope you give her a chance, and then if it isn't working, decided what you want to do. This sounds like it has broken your heart, and @EveHarrington, has lots of good advice.

Speaking to people saying move on, when I feel like saying that, it is when I hate myself most, and think no one would ever want to be my friend or partner. I don't say it anymore, since I was wrong to say anything like it in the first place, but it is a reflection on me, not the other person.