Chris-duck
Policy Enforcement
So.. I assume I can skip the background crap, but I'm basically chronically suicidal, it takes approx one to two days alone before I start contemplating. It's been kind of okay so far cos I've been at work, but I've 2.5 weeks annual leave in a couple weeks and I've no idea how to deal with it.
Traditionally, my "nah f*ck dying" plan has involved shit like:
1. Clean the shithole flat, which with just me and no wee weirdos I have plenty of time to do
2. Find them somewhere stable to stay, they can't stay here cos risk and lack of babysitters when I'm at work cos social distancing, if they're okay in a couple weeks, they'd be okay. Stable may be a stretch, but doable not so much.
There's other reasons. But I'm worried I'll hit annual leave, and everything I'd do cos I finally have time to do it, also takes away the effort required pre acting. Like a lot of the time already I'm like "oh f*ck no, gotta clean bathroom first", not cos that's some absurd line, but cos I put it in my safety plan under the assumption that as a full time nurse with four kids I wouldn't ever find the time :laugh: Like shit that is in my safety plan that I gotta do first never seemed like it'd be *possible* to do first, but now it might be, cos I'm gonna have time and my flat and nothing else.
I'm not *planning* to act, but I'm actively *not* acting (If that makes any sense at all). But I dunno how to distract when I'm off, without fulfilling my whole pre-suicide-checklist. And it's complicated, cos I have these lists of shit I gotta do first, cos I don't really want to be alive, just responsibilities came around and shit happened. So I'm alive out of obligation (In my head), fill those obligations, I can die guilt free. I'm not sure I'm ambivalent on that, which is why (at the time) unrealistic set of demands pre-acting worked fine, now they're possible I'm like huh k, what now.
And I'm on a (what is actually seriously) a never ending waiting list for a T before people ask. Joined it last April, it f*cked up, and I got a letter saying it'd be a few months longer than expected.. n I already expected 18 months sooo.. Crisis teams exist, but if I see them, I'm taken off the trauma T list, and I've had a crap ton of therapy in the past 15 years, I don't think there's much a crisis team can offer in one session that makes it worth getting taken off a trauma T list I've already waited a year in. So essentially, I have no T, it's not by choice.
Traditionally, my "nah f*ck dying" plan has involved shit like:
1. Clean the shithole flat, which with just me and no wee weirdos I have plenty of time to do
2. Find them somewhere stable to stay, they can't stay here cos risk and lack of babysitters when I'm at work cos social distancing, if they're okay in a couple weeks, they'd be okay. Stable may be a stretch, but doable not so much.
There's other reasons. But I'm worried I'll hit annual leave, and everything I'd do cos I finally have time to do it, also takes away the effort required pre acting. Like a lot of the time already I'm like "oh f*ck no, gotta clean bathroom first", not cos that's some absurd line, but cos I put it in my safety plan under the assumption that as a full time nurse with four kids I wouldn't ever find the time :laugh: Like shit that is in my safety plan that I gotta do first never seemed like it'd be *possible* to do first, but now it might be, cos I'm gonna have time and my flat and nothing else.
I'm not *planning* to act, but I'm actively *not* acting (If that makes any sense at all). But I dunno how to distract when I'm off, without fulfilling my whole pre-suicide-checklist. And it's complicated, cos I have these lists of shit I gotta do first, cos I don't really want to be alive, just responsibilities came around and shit happened. So I'm alive out of obligation (In my head), fill those obligations, I can die guilt free. I'm not sure I'm ambivalent on that, which is why (at the time) unrealistic set of demands pre-acting worked fine, now they're possible I'm like huh k, what now.
And I'm on a (what is actually seriously) a never ending waiting list for a T before people ask. Joined it last April, it f*cked up, and I got a letter saying it'd be a few months longer than expected.. n I already expected 18 months sooo.. Crisis teams exist, but if I see them, I'm taken off the trauma T list, and I've had a crap ton of therapy in the past 15 years, I don't think there's much a crisis team can offer in one session that makes it worth getting taken off a trauma T list I've already waited a year in. So essentially, I have no T, it's not by choice.